All entries for November 2005
November 14, 2005
just a little note to let you guys know I won't be around for a little bit as I'm off on a bit of a trip tomorrow, and by the time I get back my username will have expired (Christing hell). Clearly I haven't been organised enough to join the WGA yet, but I will, and I'll be back, godammit!
November 12, 2005
Perplexed at an advert for a Philips MRI scanner (I mean, it's not exactly as if anybody's going to buy one, is it?) I have retired to my room, to blog. All is going sickeningly swimmingly for me right now; life is good if rather hectic, my job is cool, I'm in love, my favourite ever movie ('Rebecca') which I've been hunting for ages on DVD came free with the paper today (thank you very much), I'm going to New York next week, and things seem to be falling into place for the future. Much like the 'half-woman, half-skateboard' (see this week's edition of 'Pick Me Up') I do, it seems, have everything.
I feel compelled to write astonished-ed-ly about this website
I particularly enjoyed the 'job vacancies' section. Apparently, 'if you look like the sports commentator John Motson, we have work for you.' Such was my intrigue, in fact, that I have registered to 'find my double' on this website
I'll keep you guys posted. Anyway, if it all falls through, I can definitely get work as a Lord Lucan lookallike, or similar. Check some of these guys out and see if you can work out who in Christ they are supposed to be.
Apparently, this guy is a professional Peter Andre lookalike.
Yep, these guys are Ant and Dec.
This is supposed to be Leonardo DiCaprio, apparently.
This woman makes a living impersonating Tom Hanks.
I mean, okay. There are some resemblances. But these are professional lookalikes (why anyone would hire a lookalike in the first place is beyond me). According to the site, they have 'worked extensively throughout the UK and abroad, for clients such as McDonald's, One to One, Virgin, and Marks & Spencer'. Well, indeed. Have any of you guys ever seen a more rubbish lookalike, or been compared to someone totally ridiculous? Do let me know…
November 08, 2005
'Less debate, more whimsy and stories about chavs please', I hear you cry. Well, dearest reader, your wish is my command. Let's start off today's proceedings with a little word from me regarding…
Yes, that's right, the niplette. Innocently reading this month's issue of 'Cosmopolitan' (Random's, not mine), I happened upon an advertisement for this hideous product. If I may quote:
'Worn tucked into your bra day or night, the Niplette painlessly sucks your nipple out into a small thimble-shaped cup. Your skin tissue is gradually stretched and in one to three months of continuous wear, your nipple will stay permanently erect.'
This truly is a real product. I'm considering marketing my own '1984 version Niplette':
'Worn tucked into your bra day or night, the Niplette's army of flesh-eating rats painlessly munch away on your nipples from inside their small thimble-shaped cup. Your skin tissue is gradually consumed and in one to three months of continuous wear, you'll have absolutely no bastarding nipple left at all.'
I have to admit, the Niplette doesn't inspire me with much confidence.
November 07, 2005
November 01, 2005
Now then. Having just purchased this week's edition of 'Pick Me Up' magazine (price sixty pence) I feel that I must share with you, dearest reader, some of the choicest nuggests of wisdom gleaned from said publication. Not for 'Pick Me Up' the high-brow tips of 'Chat', no. Instead, this magazine concerns itself primarily with 'MORE REAL LIFE THAN EVER' – without, apparently, considering what a ludicrous and insubstantial basis for a magazine this is, indeed. I thought about writing a spoof entry on the idiocy of this publication, but in fact, the reality is stranger than any fiction. Now, this magazine's first mistake is its creation of a section entitled 'Come on IN!' (sic) in which can be seen the following items of journalistic wonder.
Emily, 19, from Reading says:
'My friend, Jen, 20, and I, went out for a meal and Jen decided to order a piece of banana cheesecake for her dessert. It was the biggest piece of cheesecake I have ever seen. Judging by the smile on Jen's ace, I'd say she was pretty chuffed, too!'
There follows an image of a girl staring at a slightly larger-than-average piece of cheesecake.
Yes, well done.
Kirsty, 24, from Market Harborough says:
'My nine-month old boxer dog, Tyson, loves helping with the gardening. I don't think Tyson has got to grips with the garden yet, but he's always happy to lend a paw!'
There follows an image of a dog standing in a garden.
Yes, well done
Kirsty, 20, from Glasgow says:
'This is my friend Holly, 20, and I camping out in T in the Park. As you can see, we stayed in five-star lodgings!'
There follows an image of two girls in a tent.
Yes, well done.
Susan, 24 from Staffs says:
'I think it's safe to say that my 2-year-old son, Darren, will definitely be following in his father's footsteps when he's older. In fact, looking at this picture, I think he's already there!'
There follows an image of a child in a rather large pair of shoes.
Yes, well done.
I'm sure you can imagine the rest. The magazine also contains a story about a boy being slapped by a fish, and an article which has put print to the following words:
'[My husband] was always doing extra hours, sorting out problems for the lads at work, and he was even helping the cleaner, Fanny, with some paperwork to stay in the country. She was Bolivian or something.'