All entries for October 2005

October 31, 2005

I just castled your pawn like you wouldn't believe

Well now – this is faintly distressing….

What the – wait now – who? – wha- was that? – who? was that – the carpenters?!

GUH!


Assumptions about Human Beings in Social Sciences

Follow-up to More stupid tips from Talking Behind the Psychic's Back

this stupid tip really is a very stupid tip, well actually not stupid as it would potentially work, but who would want to do the following….........?

Fill a thermos flask with hot water. Put in some frankfurters and you'll have hot hotdogs ready to eat on a picnic or at any other time when you just fancy a snack

or words to that effect, but you get the rather boiking picture, non?

GR


October 28, 2005

Pregnant teen confronts mum

This is my life rated, apparently.

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:
7.1
Mind:
6.4
Body:
6.8
Spirit:
8.2
Friends/Family:
5.9
Love:
7.7
Finance:
6.9
Take the Rate My Life Quiz


look at these goons


More stupid tips

Follow-up to my family has always been in meat from Talking Behind the Psychic's Back

good work, gordon. Don't forget this latest gem:

"To avoid dust collecting on sandwich containers or other small kitchen items, simply cover them with shower caps."

Fine, if you want your house to look like somewhere Ed Gein would have come for dinner. You could always just try dusting. Or generally just not being such a scabby bastard.

Can anyone come up with any tips stupider than these?


my family has always been in meat

For your delectation we have here a sample of worthy and most useful snippets of advice that are instantly implementable, easy to follow and will change your life for ever, all from the high-class reading matter of Chat Magazine.

"Fed up with birds pecking at your lawn? Simply cover your lawn with bedsheets weighed down with bricks"

Your lawn will simply disappear and become a bedsheet.

"To avoid eating too much, put your knife and fork down between each mouthful"

Or you could simply have 6 burgers instead of the usual 10.

"I love collecting ornaments but didn't have a suitable shelf upon which to display them. Whilst out at the skip one day my husband noticed an old fridge. He brought it home. Removed the door and fixed it to our wall. The shelves are a perfect way to display our ornaments"

You are an idiot.

"My daughter is too small to reach the table in our caravan. So we sat her up on one of the cushions. Loads of friends have commented on our innovative idea!"

You and your friends are idiots.

"Fed up with suffering from grey hairs? Simply use a black marker pen to colour them in!"

Particularly useful if you are a redhead.

"I wanted to cook my husband a romantic dinner but soon realized we were out of gold candle holders. I spray painted two old beer bottles though and got the same effect for half the price!"

How romantic

"Take the page from the travel agent's brochure before you go. That way, if it's not what you were promised when you get there it's easier to complain"

"My son wanted some exciting new wallpaper for his room but I couldn't afford any. Instead I collected old Tesco and Asda bags and sellotaped them to his walls. Same effect for half the price!"

"I decided to convince my neighbours that my cat was a racing cat by giving her a little pair of goggles and scarf and chasing her round the garden"

"Can't find trousers long enough? Just cut your feet off and get the same effect for half the price!"

"Can't afford your Christmas shopping this year? Just steal it instead!"

"Two of my favourite foods are cheese and bread. One day I decided to put the two together and form an exciting creation, something I like to call a sandwich. Why don't you try it yourself?"

"Fed up of watching old re-runs of Perry Mason all day? Why not get a job?"

"Can't be bothered to get a job or just decided work's not for you? Why not just fall over some loose paving stones and claim instead?"

And my personal favourite is….............

"If you get some biro ink on your hands, try washing it off with a little soap"

Washing hands with soap might be quite revolutionary for some readers after all.


October 26, 2005

We smoked the last one an hour ago

Well now!
Not much blogging from me as late, no. This is largely due to the fact that I have spent most of the last week interminably driving back and forth betwixt Leamington and Canley, ferrying Gordon Random about to the soundtrack of the Walker Brothers. Nevertheless, here I am. All is well, the depressive state of unemployment into which I was threatening to sink having quit my appallling job at OCSET has been ended –

that's right, kids. someone employed me

– and as of the 31st of October I will be gainfully employed at…
wait for it…
FOPP!
I'm really excited about this and can't wait to get started, so I hope all you blogging kids will be sure to buy your Christmas presents from me over the next months. It'll also give me a nice chance to keep in the Leamington loop, bumping into Holly Cruise in Tesco and hopefully staying over at Random's ridiculously lavish pad every so often, yes? In other news, Carter and I have just finished this year's panto, which I very much hope you guys will attend – especially as Warwick Blogs themselves do not escape the lashing of our forked and satirical tongues, oh no. Auditions are tomorrow and friday at 4.30 onwards in Union North if any of you kids fancy coming along. The show will be on in week 10 – more details soon.

That's right – CHRISTMAS PANTO. you heard it.


October 17, 2005

I really do feel that I must comment upon…

…the absolute cynicism of TV talk shows. Having recently opened my blurry eyes to see the spectacle of 'The Jeremy Kyle Show' unfolding before me at the pad of one Gordon Random, I was sufficiently appalled to rouse myself from my stupor and come straight upstairs to write this. Now, the premise of today's show was that guests would give out appeals for lost members of their families in the hope that, like every other citizen of Great Britannia, these people would be sufficiently unemployed to be watching this atrocious show. The guests were, of course, egged on during this entire sorry affair by the astonishingly egregious chat show host, quite clearly a graduate from the Warwick Business School (sorry) or similar. Now, I haven't seen as many chat shows in my time as, I'd imagine, have the good citizens of Jeremy Kyleland. Nevertheless, even I am aware that there is simply no such thing as a show with the premise that guests will appear, give appeals, and then disappear. It would make the presenter look stupid, it would not take up a fifteen or thirty minute slot and it would, quite simply, be Bad Television. Why, then, do guest, presenter and audience alike appear astonished when out slouches the familial deserter from backstage, as predictable as a Michael Bay movie? To illustrate with an example…

Jeremy Kyle: 'Let's welcome Shareen* and Danyeen* to the show. They haven't seen their brother Kyneen* for over fifteen years.'
Shareen: 'Well, Kyneen disappeared and you know how it is, we just lost his phone number and then, you know how it is, fifteen years was gone.'
JK: 'And you're here today to make an appeal to try and find Kyneen. Well, why don't you start by looking into that camera over there and saying what you want to say.'
Danyeen: 'Kyneen, if you're out there, I just want-'
JK: 'In fact, don't bother about all that, because we've found him, ladies and gentlemen!'

(applause)

Shareen: 'Oh my god! I never would have guessed!'
JK: 'Yes, that's right, we found him. It took a huge team of ITV1 researchers but we've done it. Live by satellite linkup from Australia, it's Kyneen!'

Kyneen now appears on a video screen wearing a cork hat and sitting in front of what seems to be a backdrop of Sydney. He talks in a rather unlikely Australian accent

Kyneen: 'Mornin, cobblers!'
Shareen: 'Oh my god!'
JK: 'Just say what you want to say, Shareen.'
Shareen: 'Oh, Kyneen, I-'
JK: 'In fact, don't bother with all that, because he's not in Australia at all! In fact, he's never even been to Australia! He lives ten minutes down the road from you. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Kyneen!'

And so on and so forth, as Shareen and Danyeen look close to a nervous breakdown. I don't know what can be done about all this but some action must be taken to stop our television screens being filled with such absolute tish and fipsy. Therefore, I suggest…

A CAMPAIGN AGAINST TELEVISUAL PAP

more of which later.

*names may well be made up. All else is painfully true.


October 14, 2005

SMASH HITS STYLE EXTRA EIM GOSSIP FACTS INFO POSTERS!!!

Writing about an entry you don't have permission to view

Right, Canley Library is yielding less fruit than I had anticipated, so…

A AREA CODE YOU ARE IN RIGHT NOW:
CV4. That's Canley.

B- BIRTHDAY:
Remember, remember, the 5th of February!

C- CURRENT CRUSH:
Er…um…
hmm…
ah…
i think I have to put…
Gordon Random?
Christ that's weird!

D- FAVOURITE DRINK:
My favourite drink is a MOCHA FRAPPUCINO FROM STARBUCKS THANK YOU VERY MUCH only because I get to watch horrible sloans spooning 'babychinos' to their children as I drink it in wordless astonishment.

E- LAST THING EATEN:
My lunch! Waffles.

F- FAVORITE FOOD:
Pizza pizza pizza yum

G- WHAT GRADE ARE YOU IN:
Hmm, good question. If I continue to study next year, I may call this my sabbatical year, or something similar. As it is, three years undergrad + one year postgrad = disgruntled unemployed Eim.

H- CURRENTLY HATE:
Panicking about the future.

I- I THINK:
That everything will probably turn out just fine.

J- CURRENT JOB:
NONE! For the first time in my life, I can say that I am UTTERLY UNEMPLOYED. I'm not a student, I'm not anything. Nevertheless, I am, of course, employed in THE WAYS OF LOVE.

K- ANY KIDS:
Not today, I'm trying to cut down

L- I LOVE:
Friends friends friends yes yes yes and family
films, watching the autumn leaves falling (well it's true), laughing like a lunatic
er…Gordon?

M- FAVORITE MOVIE:
My favourite of all time remains Hitchcock's 'Rebecca'. Also in my top few are 'The Wicker Man', 'Don't Look Now' and 'The Dreamers'. And looking forward to watching 'Tarnation' later. I love movies.

N- YOUR PHONE NUMBER:
Now, look what happened to me the last time I gave that out on here…

O- OVER OR UNDER:
Que? Both!

P- FAVORITE PERFUME/COLOGNE:
I like 'Si' by Cerruti but it makes me feel a bit maudlin. So I'll say 'Le Male' by Gaultier because WHAT COULD MAKE ME FEEL MORE MANLY THAN LE MALE?

Q- ANY LITTLE QUIRKS ABOUT YOURSELF?:
Hmm. I look very Oriental in the mornings. My existence bewilders some people. I eat all the yoghurt before I eat the crunchy bits in the little side pocket.

R- LAST ROAD TRIP:
Leamington-Coventry-Leamington-Coventry-Leamington-Coventry…
Little Fitz the Fiesta is bearing up reasonably well under the strain, and I can now do this drive on absolute auto-pilot. Or auto-driver, if you will. Last drive I think I did to anywhere else was to the 'Coventry Hill Hotel'. Reasoning, as we did, that driving towards the hotel would be our best bet, how we laughed as we watched it sail past on our right and got stuck on a mammoth Birmingham Road traffic jam until we eventually found a flyover, turned around and got stuck in the traffic jam on the other side of the road. Driving stresses me out a little.

S- DO YOU SMOKE?:
Well, no I don't. I smoke about five cigarettes a year.

T- FAVORITE TV SHOW:
Oh, I'm not too big into TV really. I quite enjoy awaking to the wise words of Jeremy Kyle and eating my dinner to the shrill soundtrack of 'Coronation Street'. Still love 'South Park' though, and 'Monty Python's Flying Circus' is my all-time favourite.

U- COLOR OF YOUR UNDERWEAR:
My underwear is covered in pictures of dancing burlesque-esque ladies and has 'LAS VEGAS LAS VEGAS LAS VEGAS' written all over it. Well, you did ask. Oh and in fact that leads me neatly on to…

V- LAST TIME YOU WERE IN VEGAS:
About four years ago, and it was completely awesome. I'll go back when I want to get married…

W- YOUR WISH:
For peace and happiness…yeah yeah yeah

X- X-RAYS TAKEN THIS YEAR:
I have only ever had two x-rays that I can remember, one of which occurred on new year's eve 2004 as doctors suspected that in fact MY LUNGS HAD COLLAPSED. False alarm, though. Never broken a bone either.

Y- NAME THAT STARTS WITH A Y:
Er…Ythomas? Yjohn. Yoshima!

Z- ZODIAC SIGN:
Aquarius, as in 'the age of'. Awesome!


Pandas on tour

Well, well, well. Not much blogging this week due to jobseeking business. Having quit my job at OCSET with a dramatic flourish after being threatened by a particularly irate customer, I am officially unemployed. Nevertheless, I remain optimistic that something will come up, sooner or later. Until then, I am embroiling myself within the thriving Canley community, having joined both the Library and the Medical Centre today. In fact, I'm quite enjoying the Canley library, where I am seated as I type, and I anticipate finding gainful employment in the near future. In fact…Anyone fancy giving me a job? I am friendly and generally optimistic, and I have a large face suitable for stopping holes in plumbing or in the sides of ships. My general bulky buffness prevents me from spindling up chimneys to clean them, but I have no qualms about sending Gordon Random / Carter up in my place. I have a strong and virile body useful in rescuing cats, old ladies and kites from trees, and I have that general olde worlde Irish charm so lacking in the contemporary workaday world. Anyone? No? Well then…Look at this very silly website instead, whilst I wring my hands in wordless panic.

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  • Lol..i absolutly agree with 'Sophie and Josh' Jeremy kyle is a complete BELL END he needs a huge SLA… by Maureen on this entry
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