All entries for September 2005

September 30, 2005

switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight

'i want a photo of a funny grizzly bear' says konstantin. now, for a lesser blog than this, such a task would prove difficult. but for us, dear readers, nothing is impossible…

i'm so vain, i probably think this blog is about me

i love my blog for getting me through the traumatic experience of my first haircut in over four years. i think it looks silly though. that's why i'm so nonplussed.

it's stuff like this that keeps idiots like me entertained (requires shockwave)

an honest man doesn't really have the knack for this sort of thing

quel jour. firstly, i don't really look like that picture up there any more, cos i've had a ridiculous haircut. hopefully that's me done with visiting the hairdresser's for another four years, though! i had a wonderfully northern irish encounter today with a GP whose advice i sought regarding my ridiculous knee. it went something like this:

Me (entering surgery): 'Hello'
GP (very unfriendly): 'What is it?'

There follows a lengthy description of my housemaid's knee

GP: 'Right. Right. Right right right.'

Long pause

GP: 'And do you feel sick at all?'
Me: 'Not really, just the knee.'
GP: 'Well, you probably have an infection. All you can do now is wait until your knee gets really swollen and painful, and you feel terrible, and then go to Casualty.'
Me: 'Oh.'
GP: 'I'll write you a prescription anyway.'
Me: 'Please don't let it be for ibuprofen.'

GP hands me a prescription for ibuprofen

Grr! nevertheless, all is well. i'm feeling quite strange with my short hair but i'll get used to it soon no doubt. an evening of DVDs and of knee-elevation awaits!

there are over 50 calls in the last three months to a robert whiting

Fridge poetry:
where there is a distinct lack of any sophisticated words or any that end in "ed"

Now if I was an angst filled 15-year old who liked James Blunt I would write something like this

drum roll please, nervous cough

Poetry Emotion: Angst

Intoxicated with cruel malice
Pardon the rift that strikes through
And makes my mind speak fatigued & absent
woven together into a fragile wisp of sorrow
I embrace the dust of you

don't laugh, I mean every word of it

if you laugh I will cry and weep into my pillow, and beat my breast and tear my hair

And good old images to be found on the internet came up with this extraordinary whimsy under the search "Angst"

very, very scary.


what cereal box did that come from?

reading about roisin's plan to donate the wonderful prize of a half-knitted scarf to mad old random, i was reminded of my inital plan to mark the obtaining of my 2000th comment by, well, something or other. unbeknownst to me, however, this landmark has come and gone, and the comment mark stands somewhere around 2050-something. therefore, i intend to celebrate receiving my 2068th comment, and the person who donates this will be rewarded with a very special prize*

*prize may not be very special

but what about BABY?

well now, well now, much news!
firstly, i've copied some CSS from natalie jazzed up my blog a little (sorry natalie, i totally ripped you off) which is quite exciting. hope it's still easy to navigate. gordon random, you mad old coot my sweet darling, your entries are tagged so that the blog will make a bit more sense – just tag them yourself when you write a new one.
secondly, here's my news! i've just returned from an awesome trip to dublin which encompassed the usual ratio of shopping and eating pizza to culture and being knocked over by mad people. i had a very cool time and was able to meet this rather nifty tiger-ish type:

also, however, i have fallen under the curse of sudoku, which is the current craze of my parents and, so it seems, THE ENTIRE WORLD. leaping onto the bandwagon a little too late is always painful, and my brain is only just starting to cope with this madness, as you can see:

warning: attempting sudoku puzzles may cause a small irish man to grow from the top of one's head

anyway, more news tomorrow!

September 29, 2005

the sugababes: the worst band in the world, ever?

okay, this might be a bit out of character for this generally self-whimsying blog, but i feel that it is my duty to write an entry regarding the utter, total, mind-boggling rubbishness of the sugababes. obviously, this atrocious band has managed to brainwash millions into buying some of the worst music yet recorded, despite clearly being a bunch of talentless, unattractive morons. especially that one who looks like she's not quite done yet and needs to go back in for a few more minutes. to illustrate, let me quote some of their more choice lyrics for you, dearest reader.

firstly, their new release 'push the button'. not only does this unfortunate song contain a rhythm reminiscent of a nuclear activator somewhere outside chernobyl, if a little more droning, it also boasts one of the most genuinely terrible videos i have ever seen. some lyrics:

'If you're ready for me boy
You'd better push the button and let me know
Before I get the wrong idea and go
You're gonna miss the freak that I control

I'm busy showing him what he's been missing
I'm kind of showing off for his full attention
My sexy ass has got him in the new dimension
I'm ready to do something to relieve this mission.'

not only are these arhythmical, they are also rubbish.

next, the band's anthem of modern female emancipation, 'hole in the head'. i consider this to be the most excruciating of the band's releases to date, but they may yet surprise me.

'Breaking off the bun
A brand new day has just begun
Just because you made me go "ooh"
Doesn't mean I'll put up with you
Don't you dare turn back
Can't u see I wont take that?
I ain't crying not over you
Better for your head up like I told you.'


finally, however, the band's most outlandishly terrible lyrics are, surely, found in their recent song 'in the middle'. for those of you fortunate enough to be unfamiliar with this record, it's that really, really, really shit one that you hate. reading like they were penned by lewis carroll on crack, these words do not make any more sense than does the music to which they were set. i feel that i must quote them (almost) in their entirety to give justice to just how shit they truly are.

'I'm caught up in the middle
Jumping through the riddle
I'm falling just a little tonight (uh uh)
Cos everybody's making trouble
Someone's burst their bubble
But we'll be getting by alright (uh uh uh)

I'm caught up in the middle
Jumping through the riddle
I'm falling just a little tonight (uh uh)
Cos everybody's making trouble
Someone's burst their bubble
But we'll be getting by alright (uh uh uh)

Sooner or later this drunken elevator
Is gonna stop where I'm supposed to be
It's ten past eleven, I'm half way up to heaven
But I'm stuck in reality

Life's kind of funny
Not in it for the money
But I know that I've gotta pay
Love's gonna getcha
But only when I letcha
And I don't wanna turn away

Why can't the boys be the toys
That the girls want the boys to be
And why can't the girls see the world
That the boys want the girls to see, yeah

Midnight is on the low
No front just sing the flow
We're speaking all in code
To get to the place we know
Sweat is running down my back
I'm wearing leather, black
Falling into a trap
There is no turning back

I got my ladies with me
Fellas get cool and freaky
But we've gotta keep him tame
Cos we don't wanna play that game

Everybody from the block
Needs to be feeling nice
It ain't no weakest party
But get up enjoy the ride
What you see and what you hear
Can never be exposed
Acting out of character
Is everything we know

I know it's kind of tender
My body's tired
It's freaky but I'm ready for this bumpy ride
Everybody's tripping
It's all insane
But the voices in my head are saying it's ok

Trying to slow it down
I race against the rush
Gotta keep it cool to avoid the crush
Adrenaline is spinnin' and it's starting to show
That I've moved it on 'Coz I've changed the flow

But we'll be getting by alright (uh uh uh)
But we'll be getting by alright (uh uh uh).'

if it wasn't for the crazy frog, this band would be the musical equivalent of sweety the chick. an appeal to 'fans' everywhere: stop buying this. it's bilge.

September 27, 2005

do you want them to have to soufflé every meal and croissant?

this made me laugh

At 0945 yesterday morning a major earthquake measuring 4.5 on the Richter scale epicentered on greater Belfast. The earthquake decimated the area, causing an estimated £30 million of damage, with the exception of Sandy Row and Ardoyne where approximately £375,000 of improvements were made. Untold damage and distress was caused with many woken before their Giros arrived. Several priceless collections of mementos from Turkey and the Spanish Costas were damaged and three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed.Victims can be seen wandering aimlessly amidst the wreckage muttering "wha?". Thousands are confused that something other than political madness has shaken Belfast. One survivor Tracey-Anne Johnston, a 17-year-old mother of three told us "I near crapped meself. Our Shania-Fairybell came gurning into my room this morning. My youngest two, Britney and Justin slept through it, so they did. I was still shaking watching Trisha – like. " Apparently in the West of the city joyriding and looting carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Buckfast into the area to help with the stricken masses. Rescue workers still searching through the rubble have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke and Ratners.
HOW YOU CAN HELP:- Clothing is most sought after –
Items required include….... Sovereign rings, Baseball caps, White Socks,
Tesco 2 stripe trainers, Track Suits, Chunky Gold Chains
FOOD PARCELS ARE ALSO URGENTLY REQUIRED - Required foodstuffs include…Buckfast, Frozen Burgers, Buckfast, Lard, Buckfast, Deep fried Mars Bars, Tayto Cheese 'n onion, Buckfast
25p will buy a biro pen to fill in a spurious claim form
£1.95 will buy an All-Day Ulsterbus ticket to enable victims to travel from the Bru to Post Office to McDonalds to the Offys
£10 will take a family to Antrim for the day where the children can sniff glue and skin-up amongst the national collection of stinging nettles
£15 will buy chips and an E for a family of 4.

Please send your credit card number and sample signature now.


September 26, 2005

in case of an emergency the ship can be piloted from the gunnery nose

well now, this is just an old picture i found of bangor west railway station last christmas. if anyone else recognises this plaintive view i would be very interested to hear from them!

September 2005

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