All entries for June 2005
June 23, 2005
the sun is making me smile and WSAF is awesome.
what is the reason, i hear you cry, for my awareness that my heart is beating overly quickly and for the fact that i will probably need to go outside soon and start a dangerous new habit by smoking a box of cuban cigars?
the reason, you hear me reply, is warwick bastard parking.
now, what is the need for several spaces to be cordoned off without apparent reason – for example, the entire health centre road, which will doubtless be of wonderful help to those attempting to move their stuff out of halls? what is the need for the sports centre car park to be constantly populated by a drone army of girls with stupid mullets, senselessly walking up and down dangling keys but never reaching a car? what is the need for the man who finally, reluctantly agrees that i can have the space which he is about to vacate - how kind - to then proceed to lean idly against his car wearing his stupid fucking raybans and shouting into his stupid mobile fucking phone about how much petrol his BMfuckingW is eating up as he drives endlessly back and forth between the squash courts and his home, which is probably in tocil anyway, the lazy bastard. and what is the need for my car, in absence of the power steering promised to me by honest fucking gary, yes guv it's got power steering no problem guv, to be about as easy to fit into one of those pissy sports centre car parking spaces as the exxon fucking valdez?
cous cous mcnab was walking his pet mouse one day. he stumbled upon a load of really grim bin bags that smelled like piss, and he could hear a baby crying somewhere in the distance. 'that's so leamington', he thought to himself, happily. then, all of a sudden, cous cous mcnab found himself a really hot girlfriend, and they went to watch 'sin city' together which was totally awesome.
you get me, rube? ah? ah?
COUS COUS MCNAB!
June 22, 2005
June 21, 2005
One small toe wanted as replacement.
Size: medium, preferably for right foot but not fussy
Job description: general foot duties; walking (yes please), balancing (would be improvement), dancing (definitely to improve current condition), possible sucking (of toe not by toe), peeling bananas.
Uniform: assorted trainers (large size), occassional sandals (ditto), flip-flops forbidden (due to nauseating discomfort)
Must be in good condition, 50,000 miles on the clock acceptable, careful previous owner requisite.
No fungal infections
Foot fetishists need not apply
New owner to promise tender loving care, daily washing and anti-bacterial treatments, will provide foot/toe massages on special occassions (birthdays, Christmas, Hanukkah, St Peter's Day).
Price: negotiable, but limited to 50p and one old Jelly Bean.
June 20, 2005
what a busy few days. first there was ben folds on friday night which was unbelievably, phenomenally, wordlessly amazing. then straight over to tocil to start planning our contribution to the warwick shootout and for me to attempt to calm some screaming harridan who would do little but interminably repeat the phrase 'my boyfriend's gone for a walk! he has hay fever! HE MIGHT BE DEAD!' and appear at regular events right in front of my face, silently screaming in super mega ultra close-up. after a ridiculous day in the sun, we finished our movie and went home knackered and sunburnt but happy! yesterday was the shootout reception and then the leamington peace festival… the atmosphere has been ace over the last few days and i'm looking forward to the big easy today! all is fantastic!
oh…i forgot to tell a joke. er…
What's green and runs around a field?
June 17, 2005
CATPRIN, a tailor for cats. Ever imagined dressing up your lovely cat into a fabulous beauty? You don't have to dress her everyday, in fact she might not feel comfortable with a dress on for days. Just dress her up only on special occasions like her birthday, takes a photo and that should leave you lots of memories and fantasies.
all is grand here and i'm very much enjoying the sun. after spending yesterday in birmingham with the ever-awesome shall, i returned to chesham to find a tell-tale crust of bread on the doorstep... that's right, he's back. anyway, enough of that, before i am sued for libel. tonight i'll be going to see ben folds (so excited!!) and then participating in the shootout which should be awesome. now, i must tell you all (but especially roisin, cos you'll love this) about this unbelievable website.
CATPRIN is the website of a japanese company which makes clothes for cats. i kid you not. this is even worse than sugar bush, the
latino porn star performing squirrel. my favourite so far is 'the dress for all innocent, graceful lady cat' – look at how much this graceful lady cat is enjoying her dress!
i will kill you all... i will kill you all
June 13, 2005
in case anyone actually cares about who writes this bilge…
okay, i'm doing this, but it's okay, because i'm doing it in a postmodern, ironic way. okay?
Ten Random Things About Me
1) if i wasn't a student i'd be a professional showjumper
2) i play the clarinet and saxophone
3) i've never broken a bone (though i have sprained my ankle)
4) my eyes are different shapes and my jaw is an inch out of line
5) i've dyed my hair for five years and i don't know what colour it really is
6) my favourite movie is hitchcock's 'rebecca'
7) i cry at really stupid crap, like 'the animals of farthing wood'
8) i was a vegan for two years, but i missed pizza (i'm now a vegetarian)
9) i love performing, but i get horrible stage fright
10) i can't control my reaction to the cuteness of wee puppies and kittens
Nine Ways to Win My Heart
1) be yourself
2) make me laugh
3) be spontaneous
4) be positive
5) have a genuine smile
6) surprise me, in good ways
7) be able to see the funny side of things
8) laugh at tat
9) rub the back of my neck when you hug me
Eight Things I Want To Do Before I die
1) see more of the world
2) be famous
3) have a job which i love
4) continue having a great family and great friends
5) pass my fucking driving test, for christ's sake
6) conquer my fear of heights by jumping off something tall
7) travel across america with someone i love
8) have a house full of wee puppies
Seven Ways To Annoy Me
1) make dismissive, snap judgements
2) have bad manners and display other signs of ignorance
3) be overly loud without reason
4) be offensive on purpose
5) be self-centred
6) be pretentious or otherwise ingenuine
7) talk in the cinema. christ!
Six Things I Believe In
5) er…brazilian music?
6) that things will work themselves out
Five Things I'm Afraid Of
1) spiders!!! JESUS!
5) Q-tips. god, i hate those.
Four Favourite Items In My Room:
Three Things I Do Everyday
1) have one of those unique chesham showers which feel suspiciously like being pissed upon from a great height by a mexican bandito
2) go for a stroll
3) gape in astonishment at moving images
Two Things I Want To Do Right Now
1) have my dissertation finished!
2) sit out in the sun
One Person I Wish I Could See Right Now
having worked as a sleazy salesperson of 'luxury items' under the tutelage of a man named stanley knife (i kid you not) i know my tat very well indeed. that's why i've decided to share this horrible, grotesque collection of craperie with you all. can anyone come up with any ornaments grimmer than these?
this cat appears to be taking its last sips of stagnant water before finally expiring as a result of some pompeii-esque atrocity.
now, this is being marketed as 'santa claw ornament', leading me to deduce only that making a replica of father christmas from a lobster's leg is intended as a pun on the diminuitive 'claus'; however, this is deeply traumatic, for a series of reasons.
ah yes, madam, a wonderful choice. a replica voodoo face which will doubtless bring a pox on both your houses. just imagine your delight upon waking in the morning to find this sitting on your neck!
and my own personal favourite…
i can't quite find the words to describe this, but it appears to be a delightful depiction of a vastly oversized spider upon which is delicately balanced a lilliputian house full of ghosts. DIVINE!
sits back with a look of wry amusement at the chav argument which seems to have developed in my absence
well now, well now, what a collection of days! i haven't been on campus for a little while due to being on 'research leave' (yeah whatever) which has enabled me to do a great amount of lying around and watching 'family guy'. despite this apparent apathy, i'm now feeling tired enough to have problems using my left hand. but no matter – push on, push on! this weekend was grand enough – recently-departed housemate dave felt the magnetism of chesham sufficiently to return for a visit, which was ace. unfortunately, seeing a collection of all of my least favourite people in one room on saturday night was less ace, and inspired feelings of gerbil-murdering rage which were tempered somewhat by the presence of the ever-intriguing miss random and by yet more overheard strains of leamington's apparent anthem, 'the wild rover'. it was proven during last night's game of gin rummy that i am incapable of lying (try me), i still can't open the driver door of my car – but bread stocks remain unusually high, so chesham is a mixed blessing.
random, i told you i'd find you a picture of a hamster in a towel, and i wasn't lying.