All entries for April 2005

April 15, 2005

it's what we're all thinking

catherine zeta jones, eh?

but then again… what about salma hayek?

April 14, 2005

on a completely different note…

Follow-up to obscene paranoia from Talking Behind the Psychic's Back

on a completely different note, i think i'll start a mariachi band.
who's with me?

obscene paranoia

alrite everyone, it seems i have been uncharacteristically over-paranoid this week. this is entirely my own fault and has probably been generated by a superfluous consumption of illegal substances…
drugs are bad, kids.

to everyone still fighting the beige fight…ssssh. no more freedom of speech to you.
to everyone i've not really offended…thanks for not really being offended by me. my angst and anger are intended for comedic purposes only.
to gordon random…you are an absolute loon. i think you need to go into some kind of blog rehab. what do you want?
to moi…i am slightly perplexed by your simultaneous derision and marriage proposal. i think you may turn out to be another non-committal gordon random type. what do you want?
to everyone else…thanks for sticking with me. comedy posts will come soon, promise!

April 13, 2005


Writing about web page

have i offended EVERYONE?

the absurdity of these things has just struck me…

…the pretensions of that rubbishy coffee shop in humanities at being a colonial malaysian restaurant. holly cruise, is this your doing?

…the huge difficulty which i face every time i try and commit the character '&' to paper.

eim's art school: LESSON FOUR

lesson four will be centred mostly around the suckitude of claude monet.

monet's paintings look variously like my own vision of the world during a particularly severe migraine…

…and like a big old pile of puke…

tonight's homework is to determine which painting makes you feel more nauseous – monet's 'waterlilies' or van gogh's 'sunflowers.'

and now for something completely different

now, new topics are needed. i can't talk about revising for exams as i don't have any, which makes me feel like this…

…i can't talk about contemporary politics because i just don't have enough brains left over from my ridiculously intense dissertation.
so, instead, i think this blog should go back to fulfilling its old remit of light entertainment – and therefore i'd like to propose the new poll:


that's right, comment with your stupid quotes and the most nonsensical one will no doubt win some sort of prize.
come on kids!

once more into the fray…

Writing about web page every single blog in the world

okay, i know i said yesterday that i wasn't going to talk about this any more. but since then, it's become apparent that this debate is still raging, and my name is being bandied about a lot, being put into tandem with fascism in one article – the delicious irony (oh! oh!) of which is not lost on me as i have stood throughout this whole affair for freedom of speech, but the general misplaced outrage of which surprises me not at all.
in summary, then… i'm not chris carter and i tend towards a more democratic world view. the 'beige' debate is not one centring around different types of student; it's a more expansive bemoaning of the willingness of some people to fit into stereotypes – be they middle-class economics beigeniks or fauxhemian coffee-drinkers pretending they've read hegel. the levels of aggravation which these people inspire can only be compared to those associated with a sharp and pointy turd. i would not deign to criticise groups of people for their religion, or which course they study, or whatever. what does worry me is the potential of a situation in which a great deal of us are willing to conform to these stereotypes. when i'm on the bus listening to people talk about ginster's slices and KPMG i have huxley-esque visions of a terrifying faceless society. what i think we must rail against is the dragging of this supposedly liberal university into somewhere just right of the middle. that's what i mean by beige and that's what frightens me.

anyway, hopefully i've made some sort of lucid point here without aggravating anyone. but if i've offended you, why not unleash a barrage of criticism? for those of you spluttering in wordless outrage, i've written a few samples which you can copy and paste into the comments box.

"I am deeply offended by your continuous criticism of computer science students, even though you have not mentioned computer science students in this post or in fact at all."

"I am proud to be a Christian and I am deeply offended that you are suggesting that I give up my faith to conform to your dystopian leftist vision of the world."

"I am the President of the Warwick Sharp and Pointy Turd society and I am deeply offended by your derogatory comments about sharp and pointy turds. I myself was raised by a family of such turds and can only speak highly of them."

"Take the last train to Clarkesville and I'll meet you at the station."

"I am the President of the Warwick Society for Missing The Point and I would like to invite you to our next social."

"Shouldn't you be smoking pot somewhere in Nazi Germany, you hippy bastard?"

"I am the President of the Warwick Kablerkistan Society and I am deeply offended by your derogatory comments about the peace-loving Kablerkistan people. I have taken out a fatwa on your life and on those of all of your descendants."

"It's good to see that the beatnik spirit is still alive and kicking at Warwick. Ladies and gentlemen, your university's very own Jack Kerouac. Pity all these red scum are too lazy to do anything other than complain about something they can't really change."

"If I could only have predicted the offence I would have felt upon reading your comments, I would have travelled back in time and aborted myself in the womb."

as i am evidently descending into madness, let's hope that will be the end of that.
now can't we all just get along?

April 12, 2005

eim's art school: LESSON THREE

alrite, pupils, i hope you're sitting comfortably. today's art lesson will be on wassily kandinsky. now, kandinsky really sucks balls, and his paintings should be exhibited nowhere other than pizza hut. look at one of them for just a moment:

do you see that it sucks? good. your homework is to try and tell the difference between kandinsky and his equally sucky counterpart miro:

what a mess!

good luck with that.
holly cruise, i await your reponse!

as an afterthought…the final afterthought…

Follow-up to WARWICK INSULT–ATHON: no more problems from Talking Behind the Psychic's Back

…a premature trackback. this insult-athon might not be enough for everyone. now, i live with chris carter, and every day he tells me that i have a stupid haircut and i'm wearing a bad jumper. i respond by screaming in his face until he starts to cry. perhaps the alkaline solution to all this vitriol would be to run up to him and scream in his face if you see him on campus. soon, everyone will be screaming at him, and he'll either have a nervous breakdown or issue a formal apology. then he should accept a public spanking in the piazza from david vanderlinde whilst an effigy of michael stipe burns in the background and we all dance around him singing 'randy scouse git' by the monkees, thus:

"Why don't you cut your hair?!
Why don't you live up there?!
Why don't you do what I do, see what I feel when I care?!

Why don't you be like me?!
Why don't you stop and see?!
Why don't you hate who I hate, kill who I kill to be free?!

Why don't you cut your hair?!
Why don't you live up there?!
Why don't you do what I do, see what I feel when I care?!

Ba be dee ba ba ba ba ba dee ba ba boo wah.
Ba be dee ba ba ba ba ba dee ba ba boo wah!"

anyway, there's not too much news with me to post about. my lovelife continues to dwindle in a horrible sort of a limbo state and i have too much work to do. on the plus side, i saw a car earlier with THREE 'baby on board' stickers on its back windscreen. and one of them was in french.

April 2005

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