All entries for March 2005

March 31, 2005

picture = words X 1000

Follow-up to 'titanic: the musical', and more from Talking Behind the Psychic's Back

after watching a documentary last night about northern irish people sleeping in bonfires, i'm afraid that i have got absolutely nothing more to say to northern ireland whatsoever. this expression will have to suffice.

eim's art school – LESSON ONE

that's right, dearest reader! over the next few weeks / until i get fed up / until i am threatened with legal action, i will be using my vastly educated mind to present you with a comprehensive understanding of ART in all of its multifarious forms. i'm going to start off with an easy lesson…

Lesson One: Determining the Difference between Magritte and Matisse

okay, i know that you've got them mixed up, and how embarrassing that can be at a dinner party! so i'm going to make it simple for you. magritte is the one who's a great painter, matisse really sucks. you got it? here are some sample pictures to illustrate..

Matisse: rubbish

Magritte: ace

Matisse: rubbish

Magritte: ace

you get it now, rube? ah? ah? you get it??

tune in next time to learn about the italian masters!

March 30, 2005

'titanic: the musical', and more

well now, all is grand here, and to the list of bizarre things i've seen in peoples' gardens this week i can add… ONE HERD OF ELEPHANTS. well, admittedly they weren't in someone's garden, but they were in a field. northern ireland really needs to sort that wild animals legislation business out. went to a really cool storytelling event in the ulster museum earlier which reaffirmed my faith in northern irish culture – although i have to add that the non-ironic titanic celebrations have hit a low which can only be described as overwhelmingly stupid with THIS offering…

jesus. anyway, in my attempt to avoid such nonsensical tat, all i can do, as a child of the twentieth century, is to watch television. therefore, last night, i had my debut viewing of 'marathon man', and a myriad of reactions to it. unfortunately, my brain cannot cope with any kind of spy / espionage / conspiracy theme in cinema. it's why i could never get on with james bond films. i also don't understand war movies…. i just can't tell who's on which side, and if there's any kind of double-crossing going on, i'm totally lost. i'm fully aware that i sound like an idiot, but it's true. so my reactions to 'marathon man' were something along these lines…..

guh…why did that old man just drive into a truck? what? diamonds? i don't understand. what's that got to do with roy scheider? whose side is he on? who's the japanese guy? i thought this was about nazis.

well, i still don't understand what's going on, and that fight scene was totally ridiculous. who's killing who now? i don't know. but i'm taking some small comfort in the fact that i'm sharing a haircut and a jumper collection with dustin hoffman, cos he's totally the man.

well, my lifelong icon laurence olivier just showed up, so it's going to get more clear i'm certain. no…he's just going to cut his hair into a frying pan. hmm. what? who killed who? is it safe? what? urgh…dental equipment…he's not really…urgh!!!

now i'm totally confused. all the people that i thought were dead weren't really dead. and is his girlfriend supposed to be a nazi or whatever? has EVERYONE betrayed everyone else??

that ending with the 'eat the diamonds' bit really sucked. i'm totally none the wiser, and fairly nonplussed.


Follow-up to and then i go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like 'fa blahhhh schwah' from Talking Behind the Psychic's Back

ha! a double bluff with extra irony please, because…

ooooh…that's a good one.
aaahhhh hah hah hah!

March 29, 2005

and then i go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like 'fa blahhhh schwah'

well now! today has been just grand. i'm about to go and watch 'open water', though i'm a bit apprehensive as roisin has told me that it's incredibly depressing. so we'll see about that. but nevertheless, talking of 'open water' (aah! ahh…link link!) i went on a bit of an excursion to the sea today and indulged in some…

yep, it's true. flying an imaginary kite is great fun and baffles passersby. why not give it a try at home? here are some pictures, to demonstrate…

fun for the whole family!

one of us, one of us…gibble gabble, gibble gabble…one of us, one of us

things which i have spotted in other peoples' gardens this week:
– innumerable fake palm trees
– a 6foot dalek
– a dog in an armchair
– a WOLF.
i've been trying to get a photo of the wolf but i haven't succeeded yet. i'll keep trying, though. it looks a bit like this, if you can imagine this tied up in a chav's garden.

carter, my mum's just asked if you are my boyfriend. jesus. can you imagine?
i've just seen 'goodbye lenin' for the second time and it is such an incredible, beautiful film…i very highly recommend it!

How insane are you?

Dangerously Insane!

I would image that most people try to avoid you at all costs. You think nothing of going on violent rampages or saying 'bleep' for absolutly no reason. You're a bloody maniac.

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is it any wonder, considering where i live?
well now, it's late march, and that can only mean one thing for belfast… it's time for the annual Titanic festival. with no hint of irony whatsoever, 'titanic: made in belfast' generates a week of festivities during which the northern irish capital celebrates one of history's biggest metaphors. great stuff! very well done, belfast!

March 28, 2005

kinder chocolate rant

Follow-up to more nonsense from Talking Behind the Psychic's Back

How sexually perverted are you?

Very Dirty Perv

You are a very seedy, horrible little person arnt you? I bet that turns you on.

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'pull my toes!' my mother keeps shouting. 'pull my toes!'

well now, i'm waiting for my hair dye to work (oh, goodness!) and i can't really do anything more constructive than blog, so that's what i'm doing. now, i feel that i must speak about this atrocious kinder chocolate advert with the hippo in it. in this ad, a family are visiting a museum, much to the chagrin of the two children, who are deeply bored by the whole experience and by their father's droning on about the fifteen century. what next? i hear you cry. well, dearest reader, do not fear. in a burst of postmodern, hallucinogenic hypercolour, a giant blue hippo appears and offers sweets to this collection of workshy spicks. the inane mutterings of this fantastised, psychadelic semi-amphibious mammal are much more interesting than that dull german man's rant about a bunch of old dead crap, you say. and you may very well be right. but still, this advert does make me feel…well, quite sad, not to mention deeply irritated, not a little bit angry, and faintly nauseous. anyway, in a bid to find pictures of this piece of crap advert to display to you, i have come upon some rather disturbing weblinks.

This website is a particularly upsetting photograph gallery of some of these horrible 'happy hippo' sweets at various stages during the eating process. the whimsical tone of the final photograph, displaying merely an empty packet of sweets, is of particular poignance.

This site also belongs to a fan of this ludicrous confectionery. "A smooth and rich Hazelnut Cream filling (impossible to describe!) inside a light and crisp wafer dipped in a fine Milk Chocolate and drizzled with a small amount of bitter-sweet chocolate for decoration. You won't believe the taste of this delicacy. Crispy on the outside, smooth and creamy on the inside. If they gave out Oscar's for chocolates, we think this one would take the award! Extremely fragile and sensitive to heat" it witters, senselessly.

But this one has got to be my favourite. as if this could be in any way necessary, this site offers the option of purchasing happy fucking hippo sweets from around the globe. salivating over the prospect, it dribbles out this magnificent phrase: "Completely without chocolate she offers with her fine filling from milk cream and hazelnut cream as well as meringue splinters a special taste experience for ng and old person."

if they gave out oscars for chocolates, this one would take the award.
rubbish advert, though.

anyway, i've learned some new things about myself today. such as these.

Who are you in America?


You have lots of money but hord it all. Cheep jew...

Personality Test Results

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this is upsetting for a series of reasons…

What are you?


You're a clever, self-obsessed supreme being. You are probably going to have lots of weirdly-named children like Harangue, and Viddidunk.

Personality Test Results

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…as is this.

What is your level of maturity?


Your Grade: C.
You are getting the idea!

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this is less upsetting, because it doesn't really mean anything.

How well do you know Sarah Bear

How well do you know Sarah Bear

self explanitory.

Personality Test Results

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who in the name of sin is sarah bear?

Are you a figment of my imagination?


Yes you are and i knew it!

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argh! enough!

March 27, 2005

more nonsense

home for easter eh?
bloody hell!
now, i'm not a discompassionate person, i hope. but i am more than a little bit bored of seeing headline news stories about gail porter's depression, for the sake of all things holy. apparently, 'porter has suffered from depression since the birth of her daughter Honey two years ago'. i'm sorry about that, and everything, but come on. surely this shouldn't be taking up so much space in the news. between her tears, porter managed to splutter out the following statement: "I fell apart. I took a couple of pills, then a couple more, then I poured a vodka and Diet Coke and another one and another one. "I don't know how many pills I took and I don't know why I felt so low but that's all part of the depression I suffer from…It was a cry for help, not an attempt to commit suicide, but it was stupid because I've got a beautiful baby.'' oh dear. maybe i'm a cynic hardened by years of media exposure in postmodern hyperspace, or something, but i just can't get on with the idea of people who are genuinely depressed talking about it like this to interviewers. anyway, i can't help but wonder how the outcome would have differed were porter's baby not beautiful at all, but instead looked a little bit like this.

hmmm. on reflection this post was quite simply a mouthpiece for that ugly baby photo. but look at it!!

no, really though. i love babies. look at how much.

March 26, 2005

what a deeply bizarre situation

so, now, i'm in a situation which is either something along the lines of 'we can work it out' by the beatles..
"Try to see it my way; do I have to keep on talking till I canít go on?... Life is very short, and thereís no time for fussing and fighting, my friend. I have always thought that itís a crime, so I will ask you once again…Try to see it my way, only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong…"

or maybe it's more 'most likely you go your way and i'll go mine' by bobby d…
"You say you told me that you wanna hold me, but you know you're not that strong… I just can't do what I done before, I just can't beg you any more… You say you got some other, other kinda lover, and yes, I believe you do! You say my kisses are not like his, but this time I'm not even gonna tell you why that is. I'm just gonna let you pass… yeah and I'll go last…"

or no, maybe it's more like 'sorry or please' by the kings of convenience…
"I don't normally beg for assistance, I rely on my own eyes to see. But right now they make no sense to me. Right now you make no sense to me."

or maybe it's more like 'cold man's nightmare' by cathy davey…
"It's a cold man's nightmare to be warm where she lays; and he's to go through fire to make sure that's where he stays…It's a cold man's fever to be loved in return; for every warm embrace, he acquires the taste for getting burned. Don't let me go, even if I said so, I'm always thinking of you…It's a warm girl's nightmare to have you by her side, For every look you give her sends a chill right down her spine. What will I do? Couldn't stop if I had to…"

what is actually is though…is 'flake' by jack johnson:
"I know she said it's alright, you can make it up next time. I know she knows it's not right, there ain't no use in lying. Maybe she thinks I know something, maybe…maybe she thinks its fine. Maybe she knows something I don't…I'm so, I'm so tired, I'm so tired of trying. It seems to me that maybe…well, it pretty much always means no. So don't tell me – you might just let it go. And often times we're lazy; it seems to stand in my way. Cos no one, no, not no one likes to be let down… I know that when she said she's gonna try, well, it might not work because of other ties, and I know she usually has some other ties, and I wouldn't want to break 'em, nah, I wouldn't want to break 'em, no. Maybe she'll help me to untie this but until then well, I'm gonna have to lie…"

in fact, i think it's most likely a 'hey baby' by dj otzi situation…
"Hey hey baby, ooh, aah, I wanna know if you'll be my girl."

jesus christ.
whichever way, i'll probably come out of it badly.

anyway, never mind all that. 'tish and fipsy', you're probably saying right now. and i agree with you. home is grand at the minute, it's so beautifully sunny over here right now, which is ace. my faith in northern ireland has been slightly restored since my flight over here (which ended with the plane skidding to a halt at a perfect 45 degree angle from the airport and knocking over one of those mobile staircase things) although i must share this incredible news with you… in its desire to be independent to varying degrees from both the united kingdom and the republic of ireland, ulster has its very own and rather bizarre legal system. i think that in most cases, it emulates the british system, but there are certain loopholes; for example, northern ireland's refusal to implement the legislation on wild animals which is probably in place throughout the rest of europe. henceforth, the people down the road from my gran have just bought a wolf, which sits in their front garden looking menacing and scares the piss out of me every time i walk past. mind you, that's not the weirdest thing i've seen in a neighbour's garden over the past few days. no no. that prize must go either to the dog in a sofa keeping watch over the street…or possibly to the 6foot dalek which is pointing its exterminator ray thing out at passersby. bangor? i love bangor!

March 25, 2005

at home…

okay, so now i'm at home and have the internet and a digital camera at my disposal, get ready for a vastly increased number of blog entries and cheesy pictures. to illustrate…
here's me and my lovely, lovely dog benji out for a walk! how C&A do we look?

holly, look now, wee puppies and wee ponies like these!

awk look at their wee faces!

anyway, it's been a grand day for me, very laid-back indeed. much time has been spent staring in bemusement whilst my gran laughs at 'the two ronnies' and clutching at my hair in abject terror at the thought of, firstly, 'strictly dance fever' as hosted by graham norton, and secondly, the GUINEA WORM which charles told me about earlier today. apparently, this worm grows to about a metre in length inside your stomach, and then bursts out of your foot. GUH!
also, some very amusing northern irish news comes in the shape of the following…

not content with performing the stupidest bank heist of all time by stealing millions in northern irish money (which can't be spent anywhere outside the province), crime has sunk to a new level of idiocy as a group of men from dundonald hijacked a JCB and attempted to steal AN ENTIRE BANK this morning.

let me please add that i absolutely DESPISE computers. i enjoy writing this blog and looking up ridiculous things on the net, but i HATE, HATE, HATE computers. attempting to use a design programme earlier today left me so stressed that i had to lie down in the dark tracing figure eights onto my left forearm. why do they have to be so absolutely impossible to understand? ah well…

finally, many thanks to roisin for spotting this incredible name in the latest issue of 'chat' magazine…
god in heaven.

March 2005

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