All entries for February 2005

February 25, 2005


right, no doubt i'm going to get in trouble for this. but it is based in generalisation, and it is the result of many months of meticulous research.

WHICH 'WARWICK' ARE YOU? Take this simple quiz to find out…

1. Let's start with an easy one. What are you wearing…RIGHT NOW?
A. Teflon trousers and hoodie emblazoned with my hilarious sports team nickname.
B. Black, black, black.
C. A kangaroo costume and a fez.
D. Hand-crafted Tibetanese clogs and a poncho woven from the hair of Butanese herdsmen.
E. A full-body piercing.

2. And what did you have for your dinner last night?
A. Lucozade, Hula Hoops and a Ginster's Slice.
B. Burgers and soap.
C. Alphabetti spaghetti and a j-cloth.
D. Foie gras.
E. Carling.

3. Okay, they're getting trickier now. Where do you get off the bus?
A. Gibbet Hill, after irritating all fellow passengers with discussion of pie / sandwiches / PET BEE.
B. I can't fit onto the bus because my hair is too tall.
C. I don't use the bus; I ride to campus on a child's unicycle.
D. Wherever it stops for a sufficient juncture to allow me to untangle myself from the moorings which I have rigged so that I can ride on top of the bus in a gesture of empathy for the Indian farmers I encountered on my gap year.
E. Fuck off, conformist.

4. What's your favourite bedtime ride?
A. 'The Economist', with 'Max Power' to get me through those lonely weekend nights.
B. 'How To Lose Friends and Alienate People.'
C. 'Sooty Goes to the Fair.'
D. The Communist Manifesto.
E. A Sadie Benning biography.

5. Which of these sentences are you must likely to utter?
A. 'To quote Union Policy 42b…'
B. 'Basically, I've got a lot of time for you. But you're a c*nt.'
C. 'Wacky wacky crazy bonkers!'
D. 'It's like one solitary tear…falling down the face of a young boy covered in soot.'
E. 'I SHALL NOT BE SILENCED…................'

6. Okay, here's a tricky one. How many mums have you tried it on with?
A. Hnnnnnh!
B. I've had everyone's mum, in the face. But I painted your arse on their faces first, so it was like I was doing you. Up the arse.
C. Ooh, matron!
D. My soul is too sensitive for the ravages of this cruel world.
E. Well, you've just opened a pandora's box of gender politics and ageism, innit?

7. What's your favourite hobby?
A. Table tennis.
B. Forming bands.
C. Painting faces onto vegetables.
D. Self-flagellation.
E. Picketing.

8. Would you like to get involved in student-written drama?
A. I'm a bit scared…
B. Basically, I'm too much of a mixture of the comic and the brutally real for people to truly understand. Basically.
C. Can I wear a dress?
D. I heard a nightingale last night. Was it you?
E. Can I menstruate?

9. What's in your CD player right now?
A. The latest record by Maroon 5.
B. The latest record by Sainsbury's Bio-Dome Experiment.
C. 'Thomas Goes to Town' as read by Floella Benjamin.
D. 'The Greatest Hits of Byron' sung by a choir of dolphins.
E. 'Sexless Demon and Scars' by Jack off Jill.

10. And finally…how are you feeling right now?
A. I am outraged and will soon be writing two letters of complaint to The Boar.
B. Conflicting.
C. Pitoon!
D. This new rape of my soul comes as no surprise.
E. Fuck you.

Mostly A's – You are WARWICK BEIGE. You meander around costcutter in a cream jumper and you sit in Top Banana every Monday like the sack of beige you are. Get out of town.
Mostly B's – You are WARWICK EMO. Shut up, emo, no one's interested. Get out of town.
Mostly C's – You are WARWICK IRONIC. Your wackiness hurts my eyes. Get out of town.
Mostly D's – You are WARWICK BOURGEOIS. You're not on your gap year any more, Bourg, and you can take off the 'Free Nelson Mandela' badge now. Get out of town.
Mostly E's – You are WARWICK PINK-HAIRED LESBIAN. Get out of town.

February 18, 2005

Can I finish?

C…can i finish?

can i finish, please!

i'm finished.


is it some kind of cruel joke that i'm sitting in the resources room and unintentionally overhearing the smiths wail the following words..

"I am the son
And the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
Of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way?
I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does"

is this a joke?? IS IT? right, i'm going to stop now. too many lyrics for one day.


Well, I see you got your brand new leopard-skin pill-box hat
Yes, I see you got your brand new leopard-skin pill-box hat
Well, you must tell me, baby
How your head feels under somethin' like that
Under your brand new leopard-skin pill-box hat.

'Real Men Don't Use Porn'...reminder

well kids, DO NOT FORGET to come and watch this…

Rejection. Humiliation. Masturbation.

In Freshblood's controversial new black comedy Real Men Don't Use Porn, three characters enact a confused and cruel love triangle. Power games abound as a children's entertainer in clown make-up, his ex-girlfriend and an arrogant macho bastard try to work out just what sex, relationships and even love actually mean. Written by Chris Carter and directed by Eimear Ballard (the team behind this year's Panto), the performances are on Monday 21st and Tuesday 22nd February (Week 8) at 1pm in The Cooler.

Warning: This play contains scenes of an explicit sexual nature and should not be seen by anyone with their head stuck in the 1940s.

(nb. There will be a Warwick Anti-Sexism Society Q&A session with Carter and myself after the first performance on Monday for anyone who's interested).
Don't miss this one…

Imminent return

Writing about an entry you don't have permission to view

well, the wallpaper of the computer at which i'm sitting right now is informing me that reverend tom and the indiscretions will be performing next tuesday…so, surely that means that the return of mr steward is imminent?

Cheap thrills, in the back of my car, cheap thrills, how fun they are

There aren't any!
coming from ireland, it's about time i gave voice to some ire.

Come on!! GET ON WITH IT!!!

"It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife…and isn't it ironic?" once quoth whiney addict-face alanis morissette. well, how about flailing your arms about in the middle of a self-perpetuating circle of ridiculousness created by your own loserishness? that's pretty ironic. or how about doing exactly what you said you'd never do (again)? also ironic. meh. is it really true that the christian union is hosting a talk entitled 'what would god say to david blunkett?' either i am losing my mind, or the world is becoming increasingly bizarre. anyway, uncharacteristically, because i'm feeling a bit like a sponge soaked in angst, i'm going to hand over to hefner..

"No one called, no one wrote, no one phoned,
So no one knew that I was with her on my own.
She smoked in my bed cause she thought it would annoy me,
But I love to watch a girl smoke in my bed..

Lucky Strikes remind me of my friends out on the west coast,
Camel Lights remind me of my ex-girlfriend at Christmas time,
Marlboro Reds remind me of giving up in Berlin,
B&H remind me of not giving up but giving in…

How can she love me when she doesn't even love the cinema that I love?
What does she feel if she doesn't have the feeling that I have in my fingers?
This joy I have could lift this ceiling from its rafters but I'm not laughing.

We feel nothing, so we search for nothing, so we achieve nothing, love."

never a truer word spoken, mister hefner!

February 14, 2005


Aww look!
Look at them!

Ach. Look at them!!!!
They're class.
Valentine's day, schmalentine's day.

February 07, 2005

well now…

admittedly, i was feeling a bit melancholy when i last posted on here, and there's no point in that whatsoever, because there is nothing more dull than listening to someone whine on and on about nothing. so. from now on i will be talking positively about nothing in particular instead. such as…

that's correct. listen now.
19th feb is THE PARTY OF ALL PARTIES to celebrate the respective birthdays of barney, dave, and myself. it'll be upstairs in kelsey's and it'll be class, so come along, even if you only know me from reading my blog (unless you have developed an irrational hatred of me generated only by my whimsical words. god. i hope that's not true)
20th feb is MORE FRESHBLOOD MALARKY…erm…more details soon
21st and 22nd feb will be…the debut of REAL MEN DON'T USE PORN, in the cooler, probably at 2pm. if you go to one play this term, i don't blame you…i mean, go to that. GO TO IT.

that's about that really.
here's a picture of some chinese propaganda.

February 02, 2005


Follow-up to Nothing to declare from Talking Behind the Psychic's Back

having said that, this picture makes everything seem just that little bit better.

February 2005

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