August 09, 2005

the most grotesque blog entry ever written in general

Writing about web page

as a brief update I have been attempting to lure Eim out of her dissertation hell and back into a happier world where children are polite, neighbours are friendly and Carter laughs merrily in the background as a theme tune to our lives.

fat chance

having just 24 hours until Roisin and Dave of Belfast/Canley fame (such a cosmopolitan house) arrive back to rescue Eim and Carts from their despair I thought I should do my best to cheer Eim up. A task that befits someone's other half (and that apparently is me and not Carter).

living in this virtual world and having the my eyes glued to a computer screen when they are not attempting to pierce through Carter's skin in an attempt to see what he is really made from, my first port of call for Operation Cheer Up, was as you've all guessed google.

feelling all inspired i put in my request

"make you smile"

and cross my fingers for something inspiring and smile making.

what I then find myself confronted with is this absolute living hell that should be banned as it will give children nightmares

all set to the most bizarre tag line:

"Primitive Folk Art Dolls with a Touch of Whimsy"

please someone explain what a touch of whimsy is as it's beyond me and my IQ is around 155.

please just click on the intro and look at the awful, sad sad pictures.
sample of this whimsical delight we have

Strawberry Sallie

Sallie is made from aged fabrics. She has been out in the fields picking strawberries and her basket is full.

and here's a close up…....

then to be sure you haven't missed the delicacy of these creations, another close up

Strawberry Sallie's hair is hand-dyed wool and her eyes are antique shoe buttons

hmm quite

and Sallie's best friend here is Prairie Girl

not quite Little House on the Prairie, rather Button Face (close relative of Leather Face) attacks poor Sailor Doll and attempts to stab him with her pointy feet whilst hiding behind her immense sized nun-type cowl.

now if Sallie didn't put the jeepers up you check these one's out – a delightful collection for you to make from an original pattern and distribute as presents for Christmas/Thanksgiving. These are what I call "The Hanging Collection"

this is Cassie, such a sweet name, just look at her face

an old fashion pumpkin to be sure, one that seems to be hanging from his neck!!!!!!

now we have what I term the "Disturbing Countryside Collection"

this delightful lady is rightly called old hag

this wee chap is called Percival and although he's a bit fuzzy I think he's holding the Grim Reaper's sythe

again slightly fuzzy but the title of this fellow is too much candy corn. God in heaven knows why.

and finally…


who is riding a cockrel instead of a reindeer. This is clearly what happens at Christmas in middle America.

if you are tempted to check out this website then take note of the Blair Witch style star that follows your mouse around and also that 'no right click functions' are allowed. The owner is that scared of people copying these delightful, whimsical pictures from their twisted and warped website.

another horrifice website that will make you gasp and probably quiver under the bedclothes is


this must end.


Eimear Ballard Esq has been interned in the local asylum after suffering contorted nightmares of small people with no eyes and pins for fingers.
Visiting hours are Wednesdays and Saturdays 1500 – 1900. Please bring lithium.

Gordon R

- 13 comments by 1 or more people Not publicly viewable

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  1. My god… Seeing those delightful festive pictures at the top of Recent Entries has been too much for my poor little soul to cope with. I'm going to have nightmares tonight…

    09 Aug 2005, 21:00

  2. Roisin

    Blair Witch!

    God. Random, I've tried to find you our child of prague statues to bring back for you but they have mysteriously absconded – I think maybe they have been recalled by the Holy Shop, so I'll draw you a picture instead, I think :)

    Those are honestly the most hideous things I've seen in ages, and I've been in northern ireland since the end of June, bleak!

    09 Aug 2005, 21:13

  3. Roisin

    Also, please look at recent entries in the adventures of Sugarbush Squirrel link

    The squirrel is now pictured defusing suspect pacakges in London!

    09 Aug 2005, 21:14

  4. Gordon R

    gasp! No Child of Prague, Roisin??? Oh well, maybe there's been a sudden rush of deman on them. Just in time for …..Halloween??? A picture will do just fine. Can you draw in 3D??

    10 Aug 2005, 10:59

  5. As usual the tat you find makes me laugh and cry at the same time, which usually results in some weird wheezing. Not very attractive.

    10 Aug 2005, 16:03

  6. Gordon R

    Cathy – those pics were especially for you! We knew you would appreciate them. wait for the follow up entry – coming soon!!!

    10 Aug 2005, 16:10

  7. dont make me wait!!!

    does it involve the pope??

    10 Aug 2005, 16:21

  8. Gordon R

    Don't blaspheme!!! The pope is absent these days, he has been usurped by the Child of Prague. believe me – when the entry comes you will all be praying to some form of god. Something to deliver you from all that is evil from middle America.

    10 Aug 2005, 16:30

  9. Argh! You're all as bad as each other.

    My poor brain…

    10 Aug 2005, 18:00

  10. And I can't help but notice that, despite it being her blog, Eim has had precisely nothing to do with this, she neither wrote it nor has commented. Hahaha, party!

    10 Aug 2005, 18:01

  11. Lets face it, we're all just figments of her dissertation-addled brain anyway

    10 Aug 2005, 20:25

  12. cruise – good point. much like doctor frankenstein, my own creations have come back to haunt me, seeking tenfold revenge for the obscenities committed upon their persons. in fact, just like doctor frankenstein. those who comment on my blog are, truly, the modern prometheus. passing the baton to GR for a little bit whilst i succumb to hair-tearing dissertation madness, the quality and quantity of my posts is decreasing in proportion to my psychosomatic condition.


    11 Aug 2005, 14:38

  13. I think you should start putting a by-line on the name of the entry so I don't get easily confused

    Need paracetamol

    12 Aug 2005, 14:23

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