June 13, 2005

the most disgusting ornaments i have ever seen

having worked as a sleazy salesperson of 'luxury items' under the tutelage of a man named stanley knife (i kid you not) i know my tat very well indeed. that's why i've decided to share this horrible, grotesque collection of craperie with you all. can anyone come up with any ornaments grimmer than these?

this cat appears to be taking its last sips of stagnant water before finally expiring as a result of some pompeii-esque atrocity.

now, this is being marketed as 'santa claw ornament', leading me to deduce only that making a replica of father christmas from a lobster's leg is intended as a pun on the diminuitive 'claus'; however, this is deeply traumatic, for a series of reasons.

ah yes, madam, a wonderful choice. a replica voodoo face which will doubtless bring a pox on both your houses. just imagine your delight upon waking in the morning to find this sitting on your neck!

and my own personal favourite

i can't quite find the words to describe this, but it appears to be a delightful depiction of a vastly oversized spider upon which is delicately balanced a lilliputian house full of ghosts. DIVINE!

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  1. Carter

    Ballard owns all these items. In fact, she crafted them herself using her own fair hand, the slimy hypocrite.

    13 Jun 2005, 15:47

  2. Gordon R

    Oh god, oh god. Where did you find these things? Fit for Chesham is all I can say.
    Our next door neighbours back home have two stone cats on a seesaw, it's so horrible. I want to cry

    13 Jun 2005, 16:10

  3. Homer Simpson soap on a rope

    The poor bastard looks like he has Elephantitis for fuck's sake

    14 Jun 2005, 20:25

  4. Roisin

    That cat thing looks like it's been dredged up from the bottom of the sargasso sea, christ! I can only deduce that the artist ate that wax thing that Homer eats when he has the pyramid hallucination in the simpsons.

    I'll have to send you a picture of the ass-faced papier-mache rabbit from beside the till in TK Maxx I feel, it may complete the set.

    14 Jun 2005, 20:31

  5. Gordon R

    Oh we could just look at a picture of Eim's new shoes???

    14 Jun 2005, 21:21

  6. cathy – i knew you'd have some tat to contribute! sorry i got your message too late for top b the other day, but drop me a line if u wanna meet up in the next weekish!

    roisin – look at that crap. jesus wept.

    random – my new shoes are so fucking cool that you can't stand it!! THEY ARE SO FUCKING COOL!

    15 Jun 2005, 11:24

  7. Gordon R

    I could stand on them?

    15 Jun 2005, 11:54

  8. Cath

    I didnt just have tat- that tat was freshly bought from the cultural centre of Stratford!

    Dont worry about Top B, I, in my wisdom got plastered and ended up singing Tiny Dancer in Redfern, wouldn't have wanted to subject to you to it

    Will give u a buzz as soon as all this Final Fling nonsense is out of the way.

    15 Jun 2005, 13:21

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