February 25, 2005


right, no doubt i'm going to get in trouble for this. but it is based in generalisation, and it is the result of many months of meticulous research.

WHICH 'WARWICK' ARE YOU? Take this simple quiz to find out…

1. Let's start with an easy one. What are you wearing…RIGHT NOW?
A. Teflon trousers and hoodie emblazoned with my hilarious sports team nickname.
B. Black, black, black.
C. A kangaroo costume and a fez.
D. Hand-crafted Tibetanese clogs and a poncho woven from the hair of Butanese herdsmen.
E. A full-body piercing.

2. And what did you have for your dinner last night?
A. Lucozade, Hula Hoops and a Ginster's Slice.
B. Burgers and soap.
C. Alphabetti spaghetti and a j-cloth.
D. Foie gras.
E. Carling.

3. Okay, they're getting trickier now. Where do you get off the bus?
A. Gibbet Hill, after irritating all fellow passengers with discussion of pie / sandwiches / PET BEE.
B. I can't fit onto the bus because my hair is too tall.
C. I don't use the bus; I ride to campus on a child's unicycle.
D. Wherever it stops for a sufficient juncture to allow me to untangle myself from the moorings which I have rigged so that I can ride on top of the bus in a gesture of empathy for the Indian farmers I encountered on my gap year.
E. Fuck off, conformist.

4. What's your favourite bedtime ride?
A. 'The Economist', with 'Max Power' to get me through those lonely weekend nights.
B. 'How To Lose Friends and Alienate People.'
C. 'Sooty Goes to the Fair.'
D. The Communist Manifesto.
E. A Sadie Benning biography.

5. Which of these sentences are you must likely to utter?
A. 'To quote Union Policy 42b…'
B. 'Basically, I've got a lot of time for you. But you're a c*nt.'
C. 'Wacky wacky crazy bonkers!'
D. 'It's like one solitary tear…falling down the face of a young boy covered in soot.'
E. 'I SHALL NOT BE SILENCED…................'

6. Okay, here's a tricky one. How many mums have you tried it on with?
A. Hnnnnnh!
B. I've had everyone's mum, in the face. But I painted your arse on their faces first, so it was like I was doing you. Up the arse.
C. Ooh, matron!
D. My soul is too sensitive for the ravages of this cruel world.
E. Well, you've just opened a pandora's box of gender politics and ageism, innit?

7. What's your favourite hobby?
A. Table tennis.
B. Forming bands.
C. Painting faces onto vegetables.
D. Self-flagellation.
E. Picketing.

8. Would you like to get involved in student-written drama?
A. I'm a bit scared…
B. Basically, I'm too much of a mixture of the comic and the brutally real for people to truly understand. Basically.
C. Can I wear a dress?
D. I heard a nightingale last night. Was it you?
E. Can I menstruate?

9. What's in your CD player right now?
A. The latest record by Maroon 5.
B. The latest record by Sainsbury's Bio-Dome Experiment.
C. 'Thomas Goes to Town' as read by Floella Benjamin.
D. 'The Greatest Hits of Byron' sung by a choir of dolphins.
E. 'Sexless Demon and Scars' by Jack off Jill.

10. And finally…how are you feeling right now?
A. I am outraged and will soon be writing two letters of complaint to The Boar.
B. Conflicting.
C. Pitoon!
D. This new rape of my soul comes as no surprise.
E. Fuck you.

Mostly A's – You are WARWICK BEIGE. You meander around costcutter in a cream jumper and you sit in Top Banana every Monday like the sack of beige you are. Get out of town.
Mostly B's – You are WARWICK EMO. Shut up, emo, no one's interested. Get out of town.
Mostly C's – You are WARWICK IRONIC. Your wackiness hurts my eyes. Get out of town.
Mostly D's – You are WARWICK BOURGEOIS. You're not on your gap year any more, Bourg, and you can take off the 'Free Nelson Mandela' badge now. Get out of town.
Mostly E's – You are WARWICK PINK-HAIRED LESBIAN. Get out of town.

- 10 comments by 1 or more people Not publicly viewable

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  1. Just kidding? JUST KIDDING?!


    Seriously, Warwick, sort it out. This is a UNIVERSITY, for fuck's sake! Does no-one have anything interesting to say? Any talent? Any hint of a personality?

    – No?

    Didn't think so…

    25 Feb 2005, 13:03

  2. You may not already know this, but during the summer I like to smear my body in butter soured by the sun, and then bathe in Happy Shopper lemonade. I then let Highland puppies eat triple chocolate gateau from my navel, and then laugh as they die from chocolate poisoning. Greedy mutts.

    And 3B made me laugh for no logical reason.

    25 Feb 2005, 13:10

  3. … did I really post that?

    25 Feb 2005, 13:14

  4. unfortunately your quiz doesn't cater for people who

    1. are still in their pj's at this time of day
    2. survive on toast
    3. live on campus, thus don't take the bus
    4. read blogs before bedtime
    5. don't speak
    6. are not sexually interested in middle-aged women
    7. feel the internet is their only hobby
    8. have enough self-written drama called (no-)life
    9. listen to whatever their random playlist makes them listen to
    10. are constantly tired.

    25 Feb 2005, 13:53

  5. uh oh!
    according to my own quiz, i am warwick bourgeois. according to carter's, i'm warwick ironic.
    oh dear! i'm such a bastard.

    25 Feb 2005, 14:38

  6. I'm a pink haired lesbian. And in the quiz.

    26 Feb 2005, 11:30

  7. I won, where's my prize?

    26 Feb 2005, 15:03

  8. I have pink hair but scored more as a Warwick Borgeois. I also have a fez like any decent Warwick Ironic. However, I think it's far more appropriate wear for a Warwick Borgeois.

    01 Mar 2005, 15:25

  9. adrienne – that's a good point. the fez does indeed remind me of my…


    02 Mar 2005, 11:52

  10. That was cool

    06 Mar 2005, 16:36

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