April 06, 2005

newly–achieved ministry

well now everyone, i am now an ordained minister of the universal life church, california. unfortunately i didn't get a certificate, but here's the text of the email i received, so you'll just have to believe me:

This is to confirm that

EIMEAR BALLARD
49 CHESHAM STREET
LEAMINGTON SPA
WARWICKSHIRE COVENTRY CV31 1JS UK

has been ordained as a minister of the Universal Life Church, Modesto, California.

Date of Ordination: 4/5/2005

by Kevin Andrews, Pastor

apparently, i am now authorized by the church to perform the rites and ceremonies of the church (except circumcision), including weddings, funerals, baptisms and blessings and i am committed to always do the right thing.

what more can i say?


- 16 comments by 1 or more people Not publicly viewable

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  1. I'll have two baptisms, a confirmation and a regular coke please. No salt or vinegar.

    06 Apr 2005, 19:14

  2. Does this mean that you're excempt from jury duty, and can sign the back of people's passport photos/act as a character witness for getting a gun licence?

    06 Apr 2005, 19:50

  3. Bashmore

    When's the first mass suicide pencilled in for?

    06 Apr 2005, 20:24

  4. Gordon

    The worrying thing is that 'they' know where you live. Watch for all of society's mis-fits, loners and outcasts turning up on your door for advice, guidance and consolation. Mind you, you already live with one of life's great mis-fits.

    Glad you liked the poem, I shall pass that on to the lemurs.

    06 Apr 2005, 22:26

  5. I haven't read about it, but isn't the Church of Universal Life actually more philosophy than religion based? Either way, I find it hilarious that you are now a church minister, I'd like to marry my dog please.

    07 Apr 2005, 15:09

  6. Gordon R

    Although I offered myself for elopment with Mr Carter on that "oh so famous blog" that was posted yesterday, myself, and the lemurs, still retain a loyalty to you.

    Two's company, three's an uncomfortable bike ride – but not entirely impossible.

    08 Apr 2005, 01:44

  7. David Treharne

    Hello there the right reverend Emer Ballard (no surrender) mate have found what just undoubtedly the funniest Website in the world you will be in hysterics when you see this – link
    I need say no more! (never, never, never, never!)

    08 Apr 2005, 13:31

  8. holly – any time. but don't book me for any circumcisions, cos i'm not allowed to do them yet.
    michael – i hope so!!!
    ben – i expect that my ministry will turn into a frightening cult at any moment…i'm thinking of advocating a return to victorian values. hopefully the paranoia and self-loathing which this will engender among my followers will exempt me from blame should any such event occur as a…er…mass suicide (cough)
    shall – yes you may marry your dog! lord be praised!
    gordon random – society's misfits already turn up on my door, and i already let them in – much to carter's chagrin. my latest encounter was with a lucky charm-selling cornish woman dressed entirely in black, with whom i had a long and deeply disturbing conversation. i'm glad your loyalties are still primarily with me, though of course you can have the odd dalliance with carter as well. three is, by no means, impossible. but does that mean i'm getting first call on the elopement front?
    david – that is just…there are no words!!! 'you could say, mr paisley, that 'rome wasn't built in a day', after all!' … 'IT SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN BUILT AT ALL!'

    09 Apr 2005, 00:10

  9. Gordon R

    First come, first served. Roll up for your place on Gordon's elopment boat extraordinaire.
    (luxury tickets still available – ohhh I'm such a tease!)

    09 Apr 2005, 02:13

  10. Gordon R

    EIMEAR EIMEAR!!!!

    You missed our chance encounter yesterday! There were you and Carter standing OPPOSITE me in Fopp and then you followed me into Tesco. Until the next time, until the next time…...

    10 Apr 2005, 10:35

  11. gordon, gordon, gordon.
    that is too much…u should have come right up and introduced yourself! however, if that's not how you get your kicks, who am i to complain?

    who are you?!

    11 Apr 2005, 11:54

  12. and are you more or less tempted to elope with me now?

    11 Apr 2005, 11:55

  13. Gordon R

    Kicks? Was that a donkey reference??

    I nearly went and talked to Carter but that's because he had such a perplexed look on his face I thought he was lost and needed help – ahhh bless.

    We'll have to wait for the next episode of "The Chance Encounter".
    (elopment's still on but I think my passport needs renewing)

    11 Apr 2005, 18:43

  14. Moi Again

    Marry me! but is it wise to give all and sundry your address. Do you always do the right thing is the question?

    11 Apr 2005, 22:21

  15. 'moi'...

    not another gordon-esque elusive character. are you the 'moi' that comes from bangor?
    to be honest, your messages are confusing. 'get a life' and 'marry me' all at once?
    i always, always, always do the right thing. and get on the bus.

    12 Apr 2005, 11:28

  16. moi

    I'm from bangor yes but don't live there now. U lot need to get a life, one between you would do, but the marriage proposal still stands. Sad students. And I never ever do the right thing!

    13 Apr 2005, 22:40


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