March 28, 2005

kinder chocolate rant

Follow-up to more nonsense from Talking Behind the Psychic's Back

How sexually perverted are you?

Very Dirty Perv

You are a very seedy, horrible little person arnt you? I bet that turns you on.

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'pull my toes!' my mother keeps shouting. 'pull my toes!'

well now, i'm waiting for my hair dye to work (oh, goodness!) and i can't really do anything more constructive than blog, so that's what i'm doing. now, i feel that i must speak about this atrocious kinder chocolate advert with the hippo in it. in this ad, a family are visiting a museum, much to the chagrin of the two children, who are deeply bored by the whole experience and by their father's droning on about the fifteen century. what next? i hear you cry. well, dearest reader, do not fear. in a burst of postmodern, hallucinogenic hypercolour, a giant blue hippo appears and offers sweets to this collection of workshy spicks. the inane mutterings of this fantastised, psychadelic semi-amphibious mammal are much more interesting than that dull german man's rant about a bunch of old dead crap, you say. and you may very well be right. but still, this advert does make me feel…well, quite sad, not to mention deeply irritated, not a little bit angry, and faintly nauseous. anyway, in a bid to find pictures of this piece of crap advert to display to you, i have come upon some rather disturbing weblinks.

This website is a particularly upsetting photograph gallery of some of these horrible 'happy hippo' sweets at various stages during the eating process. the whimsical tone of the final photograph, displaying merely an empty packet of sweets, is of particular poignance.

This site also belongs to a fan of this ludicrous confectionery. "A smooth and rich Hazelnut Cream filling (impossible to describe!) inside a light and crisp wafer dipped in a fine Milk Chocolate and drizzled with a small amount of bitter-sweet chocolate for decoration. You won't believe the taste of this delicacy. Crispy on the outside, smooth and creamy on the inside. If they gave out Oscar's for chocolates, we think this one would take the award! Extremely fragile and sensitive to heat" it witters, senselessly.

But this one has got to be my favourite. as if this could be in any way necessary, this site offers the option of purchasing happy fucking hippo sweets from around the globe. salivating over the prospect, it dribbles out this magnificent phrase: "Completely without chocolate she offers with her fine filling from milk cream and hazelnut cream as well as meringue splinters a special taste experience for ng and old person."

if they gave out oscars for chocolates, this one would take the award.
rubbish advert, though.

anyway, i've learned some new things about myself today. such as these.

Who are you in America?


You have lots of money but hord it all. Cheep jew...

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this is upsetting for a series of reasons…

What are you?


You're a clever, self-obsessed supreme being. You are probably going to have lots of weirdly-named children like Harangue, and Viddidunk.

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…as is this.

What is your level of maturity?


Your Grade: C.
You are getting the idea!

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this is less upsetting, because it doesn't really mean anything.

How well do you know Sarah Bear

How well do you know Sarah Bear

self explanitory.

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who in the name of sin is sarah bear?

Are you a figment of my imagination?


Yes you are and i knew it!

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argh! enough!

- 18 comments by 1 or more people Not publicly viewable

[Skip to the latest comment]
  1. Roisin

    Apparently I am a legal mexican. and I smell.

    28 Mar 2005, 13:47

  2. Yeah, me too. Rumbled.

    28 Mar 2005, 14:02

  3. Just done a Simpsons personality test. You'll never guess which character I came up as…


    Thought you'd get a kick out of that!

    29 Mar 2005, 11:39

  4. Raaaandom

    STOP!! The schmulzy choccie-wokkie adverts are killing me! More comical posts please. Just what I need after returning from the depths of the countryside dancing the Gay Gordon with a nice young man called Paul with strangely soft hands. And it's a definite antidote after having to then hot foot it to London to swig drinks with the likes of Zacheray Thackeray, Amanda Commander and Tiggy Courgette du Mond. I tried not to snort and guffaw too much but sometimes I just couldn't help myself. What ho! Must go! Ok, more posts please!!

    29 Mar 2005, 14:44

  5. Roisin

    Carter, that is quite disturbingly accurate, although they may have underestimated the amount of misanthropy coursing through your veins. I must find out which simpson I am, although I am quite worried I may find I am Lisa Simpson, which would be horrible.

    29 Mar 2005, 20:34

  6. random – the most recent 'comedy' post is just for you. can i deduct from your dancing of the gay gordon with a serpentine man named paul that you're female? or am i making too many assumptions based on my societal conditioning in matters of gender? i hope i wouldn't do that. i could make a joke about the gay gordon but that would be too grim.

    29 Mar 2005, 22:28

  7. Gordon Random

    I guess the anonymity of blogs means that you have to consider the possibility that I am a) actually called Gordon and b) I am a happy jovival kind of person.

    Comedy kite flying post + dry museli + fluffly cat sitting on me = choking fit + one squashed cat

    30 Mar 2005, 12:03

  8. apologies for my assumptions, gordon random. glad you liked the comedy kite post though. the anonymity of blogs is a given, i suppose, although i do like to imagine the person i'm pseudo-talking to. so i'd like you to answer the following questions, should u feel so inclined:
    – do you have a face?
    – is it a face softly moulded from the downy fur of virgin marmosets, or is it a face roughly hewn from stone?
    – are you wearing a hat?
    – how do you feel about students wearing che guevara teeshirts?
    – how do you feel about students wearing all-beige ensembles?
    – how do you feel about students who can't stand either of these things?
    and most importantly…
    – do you like bossa nova music?

    31 Mar 2005, 00:48

  9. Gordon Ra

    In answer, but not necessarily in truth

    I do have a face. And hopefully not two of them as that's just plainly not nice

    Ring tailed lemur would be more appropriate for this answer. With a slightly startled expression

    I am not wearing a hat. The last hat I wore was, I think, a plastic shower cap as I stood outside the front door wearing a leopard print skirt, holding a mop (self-entertainment and attention seeking)

    Che on a t shirt? That's one for your dog. The first Marxist rebel dog. For students – only if they really understand the tacky kitsch of it (although I do have a post card of El Che on my door, bought at the same time as an Elvis lives mug and a Wonder Woman glass – more tacky kitsch!!)

    All beige?? Only if they belong to a mind sapping cult who will fleece them for all their money and probably sexual favours

    Unite students!! And rise up against the beige! Ban it to the hidden banished backwards backgrounds.

    Bossa nova??? Sorry can't help there. But give me some Punta Rebels!!! ha!

    Does this help??

    31 Mar 2005, 14:02

  10. somewhat.
    no seriously now…what?
    what's your name!

    31 Mar 2005, 19:57

  11. sorry. but i can't call you 'random'!

    01 Apr 2005, 00:19

  12. Gordon

    You may call me Gordon

    02 Apr 2005, 14:36

  13. is your name actually gordon?
    don't be shy, i've revealed enough of my innermost angst on here…

    02 Apr 2005, 20:05

  14. Gordon

    Angst??? I can do angst too. But my fingers are too cold to type after sitting in my garden trying to pretent it's summer and I think wine has gone to my head. How about next blog: 5 things to do if you've nothing to do in Leam. (now I'm back from driving through the Chiltern countryside in my recreational ve-hic-le).

    Sorry – don't mean to gatecrash you're blog. If I had my own my identity would be discovered. Which might disappoint.

    02 Apr 2005, 20:12

  15. hey, gatecrashing my blog is more than fine, that's what it's here for! i'm just a curious type and am wondering if i've met you in the world of physical reality. five things to do in leam…hmmm…here are my choices:
    1. feed the ducks in the park (not particularly rock and / or roll but very satisfying, jephson gardens is ace in the sunshine) and afterwards go to the pump rooms museum…its collection is so arbitrarily disorganised that it's pretty interesting…
    2. take some photos of the sunset / sunrise around the railway station area; for some reason, the sky gets really beautiful there…
    3. go to 'the debonair' pub just off brunswick street – especially on a friday for the karaoke night…
    4… then continue your pub crawl of grim by visiting 'the sun in splendour', 'the royal exchange' and 'the jet'
    5. er…do some arts and crafts?…

    02 Apr 2005, 20:31

  16. Gordon

    yes! And compose a blues song in your garden on sex education. Well that's what I just did now I'm going out into the REAL world

    02 Apr 2005, 20:43

  17. well, now it's really not sunny enough to be in your garden. you should be living it up in the learning grid, just like me, woohoo! how was chiltern?

    02 Apr 2005, 20:44

  18. Gordon Random

    Learning grid? I think I prefer my garden. Where it is sunny as it's in…...south of France. See – I am Nomad Gordon, wandering through Europe with my performing circus troupe of ring tailed lemur.

    03 Apr 2005, 01:56

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