You heard the birds sing, everything will be fine

Well well – I'm in the mood to write a little blog entry. How are you, blog and its readers? I am fine. Things in Bat Country are looking up as at last Random and I have escaped the bowge of student housing and signed for a proper, real–person flat near Jephson Gardens. And we were at the Summer Sundae weekend festival in Leicester which was amazing apart from Phil Jupitus standing behind us and singing along tunelessly and incessantly to Nouvelle Vague.

Right now I'm back in Ireland which should mean the return of some bloggish humour but instead generates something more along the lines of a desire for some kind of… catharsis (catharsis!!). But I know I can't start writing a cathartic (cathartic!!!) blog entry. Not after two years. But still, I must want to write something, as I'm missing 'Ted Bundy: Natural Porn Killer' to be up here typing. I'm taping it though, don't go crazy.

Anyway. I'm feeling kind of mellow at the moment, with just a bit of a sort of melancholic tinge, a bit Benjamin Braddock. Maybe that's what it feels like to grow up, or something. It's kind of nice but it also makes me feel a little estranged from my own brain which is variously crammed and empty. Maybe it's because I just trekked my way through Dante's 'Inferno' and it made me feel a little crazy. This is getting a bit too cathartic (cathartic!!) – I'd better write about something stupid.

Okay, so my most amazing internet discovery in most recent weeks – not my own discovery, but my appreciation of a mountain already climbed and flagged by Cathy – is that of the fucking ridiculous phenomenon of 'reborning'. For the uninitiated, 'reborning' is, apparently, "taking a doll, vinyl or other material, and totally recreating the doll into a lifelike baby. Reborning involves many steps to the care of the vinyl, from dyeing in some methods to oil painting, and tinting with various artist's pigments. Attention to every detail is of the utmost importance in recreating these ordinary play dolls to look and feel like a real live baby. Hair is added, new realistic eyes are added if applicable. A true Reborn will look like a real live baby when done properly.” Thanks for that, 'reborning' artist Dawn. Well, why anyone in their right mind would want to do this is another matter. It's incredibly tasteless, although I guess it does provide a necessary outlet for the Dahmer–style desires which probably do haunt the minds of 'rebirthers' (at least, I guess that's their name. Reborners? Stupid). I was hoping to provide a selection of the best 'reborning'–related quotes and photos, but instead I thought I'd have to give you a condensed step–by–step guide, plagiarised from a 'reborning' website (please don't sue me) without shame but with much dismay. Here goes:

STEP ONE: PURCHASE DOLL

Ain't she cute?

STEP TWO: REMOVE HEAD FROM DOLL

Woaurgh! That's a little drastic. Though it reminds me of something I once saw on 'I, Claudius'.

STEP THREE: REMOVE EYES

I'm sorry, I couldn't bring myself to post a photo of this.
Dawn's advice here: "Put the doll head into a pot of boiling water until soft, (you can also put them into the 150/175 degree oven - Place a thick pile of poly-fil on a cookie sheet. Place head on top of the poly-fil and gently place in a 250 degree oven for approximate 5-10 minutes) Then, just reach your hand into the inside of the head and poke the eyes out through the front. Note: Vinyl will be hot, but not hot enough to burn your skin."

Are we living in medieval Finland?!

STEP FOUR: APPLY PURPLE PAINT TO LIMBS

No, I don't know why…

STEP FIVE: REMOVE HAIR

And then… "Dip the head into a pot of boiling water with a
tbsp of baking soda for just a moment. This will remove any shiny areas
caused by the scrubbing." Good, good.

STEP SIX: BLUSH

Ah, baby's first makeover. I must say she looks delightful.

STEP SEVEN: MANICURE

Yes, you read it right.

STEP EIGHT: DRILL NOSTRILS

Why not? It worked okay for the Egyptians.

STEP NINE: ADD EYELASHES

I think this is the photo which I find most disturbing.

STEP TEN: ADD EYEBROWS

When will this madness cease?

STEP ELEVEN: ADD WIG

Wouargh!!!
Congratulations, you have 'rebirthed' some kind of mutant white Queen Latifah baby.

STEP TWELVE: FILL SEVERED HEAD AND LIMBS WITH PELLETS

I can think of no reasoning behind this other than that it is intended to give the doll a more 'realistic', baby–esque weight. Or just to further its indignity. My God.

STEP THIRTEEN: REATTACH BODY

…And dress the poor wretch in some clothes probably intended for the real–life baby you never had. Congratulations. You now own an unbelievably unrealistic doll which is a cruel parody of its former self, forced now into its last stages of indignity. Why the hell you didn't just buy a slightly more realistic doll in the first place will remain forever a mystery. Let's just re–examine Dawn's initial claim: "A true Reborn will look like a real live baby when done properly.”

Yes, very good.

: 17 Aug 2006 00:51 |  Comments (5) |  Report a problem