October 17, 2005

I really do feel that I must comment upon…

…the absolute cynicism of TV talk shows. Having recently opened my blurry eyes to see the spectacle of 'The Jeremy Kyle Show' unfolding before me at the pad of one Gordon Random, I was sufficiently appalled to rouse myself from my stupor and come straight upstairs to write this. Now, the premise of today's show was that guests would give out appeals for lost members of their families in the hope that, like every other citizen of Great Britannia, these people would be sufficiently unemployed to be watching this atrocious show. The guests were, of course, egged on during this entire sorry affair by the astonishingly egregious chat show host, quite clearly a graduate from the Warwick Business School (sorry) or similar. Now, I haven't seen as many chat shows in my time as, I'd imagine, have the good citizens of Jeremy Kyleland. Nevertheless, even I am aware that there is simply no such thing as a show with the premise that guests will appear, give appeals, and then disappear. It would make the presenter look stupid, it would not take up a fifteen or thirty minute slot and it would, quite simply, be Bad Television. Why, then, do guest, presenter and audience alike appear astonished when out slouches the familial deserter from backstage, as predictable as a Michael Bay movie? To illustrate with an example…

Jeremy Kyle: 'Let's welcome Shareen* and Danyeen* to the show. They haven't seen their brother Kyneen* for over fifteen years.'
Shareen: 'Well, Kyneen disappeared and you know how it is, we just lost his phone number and then, you know how it is, fifteen years was gone.'
JK: 'And you're here today to make an appeal to try and find Kyneen. Well, why don't you start by looking into that camera over there and saying what you want to say.'
Danyeen: 'Kyneen, if you're out there, I just want-'
JK: 'In fact, don't bother about all that, because we've found him, ladies and gentlemen!'


Shareen: 'Oh my god! I never would have guessed!'
JK: 'Yes, that's right, we found him. It took a huge team of ITV1 researchers but we've done it. Live by satellite linkup from Australia, it's Kyneen!'

Kyneen now appears on a video screen wearing a cork hat and sitting in front of what seems to be a backdrop of Sydney. He talks in a rather unlikely Australian accent

Kyneen: 'Mornin, cobblers!'
Shareen: 'Oh my god!'
JK: 'Just say what you want to say, Shareen.'
Shareen: 'Oh, Kyneen, I-'
JK: 'In fact, don't bother with all that, because he's not in Australia at all! In fact, he's never even been to Australia! He lives ten minutes down the road from you. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Kyneen!'

And so on and so forth, as Shareen and Danyeen look close to a nervous breakdown. I don't know what can be done about all this but some action must be taken to stop our television screens being filled with such absolute tish and fipsy. Therefore, I suggest…


more of which later.

*names may well be made up. All else is painfully true.

- 36 comments by 1 or more people Not publicly viewable

[Skip to the latest comment]
  1. Gordon R

    I can't wait to have my own show. But I won't bother with all that faux-emotion crap I'll just come right out and hit my guests as that's obviously what Jeremy wants to be doing.He's itching to give most of them a clip round the ear but comes out with stuff like "you are obviously an intelligent, beautiful young girl, who has a lot of anger inside her and just wants to reach out and tell her mother she loves her." Don't forget the all redeeming lines of "my bloke's ok, he might hit me but he's not been in prison" yet

    17 Oct 2005, 11:01

  2. Random, I can so see that. The tag line could be Random hits you, where it hurts Heh, that would be awesome.

    If I had my own tv show I would use it for completely evil ends, it would be to humiliate the many appalling people I've met in my life. It would be like "Show One: Why Blonde Vicki is an Appalling Bint'

    21 Oct 2005, 13:14

  3. Kevin H

    I really do despair at Jeremy Kyle. He is absolutely terrible. I thought Trisha couldn't drag entertainment any lower, but after an altercation between the talk show diva and ITV resulting in a defection to Channel 5 along came Jeremy Kyle, a talentless individual who has taken entertainment directly into the gutter. He exploits vulnerable guests, whose predicament is often a failing of our society, purely for ratings by mercilessly berating them followed by some pointless comment such as “look mate! I know where you are coming from; my brother was a drug addict!!” That’s all very well and good, but your personal experience with your brother’s drug problem is not applicable to all social issues. In other words, Jeremy is a very long way from being experienced enough to deal with these sorts of issues, about a whole country mile away.

    Here’s another example of Jeremy’s shameless campaign to exploit people under the pretext of helping society. A family of 15 children with another on the way were shamed and dubbed by the tabloids as benefit cheats were invited onto to the show. Why were they invited? Jeremy’s justification: “A chance for them to tell their side of the story”. That’s baloney, if you asked me! They were invited to be fed into the jaws of the benefit cheat haters. It is clear to me that the father is NOT a benefit cheater. He had been working for 12 years before he stopped a year ago to help his pregnant wife with the kids. Now, I do question the number of children given their financial circumstances, but who are we to judge when there are thousands of children without parents or are being abused on a daily basis in dysfunctional families? Here we have parents who are trying their best to manage in an extreme situation. Despite the family doctor’s serious concerns of the mother’s health and sternly advised against another pregnancy, she falls pregnant yet again. Perhaps she has a deep psychological need to have babies, which would suggest that she’s not trying to cheat the system, but may have psychological problem. However, rather than trying to pursue the genuine root cause, Jeremy simply backed the tabloids. I am proud to live in a society where our system, although not perfect, has a safety net for such individuals without which surely the kids of this family would suffer greatly.

    If we are to have these awful talk shows, then let’s have a qualified social worker who can really cut through the social mist and help those trying to find their way through life. ITV, dump Jeremy Kyle NOW!!!! Find somebody with genuine compassion and wisdom. I hate to say this, but Trisha is so much better than Jeremy, shame she works on a channel with the coverage of a bike shed.



    30 Dec 2005, 14:07

  4. Emma

    i think jeremy is harsh but true and that even though he has a go at people quite often some of the things he says are really true. give him some respect people because if he was really that outrageous he would have been kicked off the air and itv would of sacked hhim.

    06 Mar 2006, 10:41

  5. w h bonney

    I personally think jeremy kyle is an absolute bum hole, i mean fair enough
    most of the time he is right with what he says, but there is no need for the
    arrogance and sarcasm that he dishes out.
    Personaly i would just have to smack him in the mouth, lol.
    The best talk show host was kilroy silk, but they axed him for stating the truth, and lets face is todays terestrial tv is an absolute disgrace.

    Bring back the A team …..full time….................woo hoo!!!!

    06 Apr 2006, 10:22

  6. heather

    I am shocked that this creepy man ever made it on to terrrestrial tv. He really does make Trisha look like a professional as regards to people, their problems and how best to guide them. Unlike Trisha he does not have any qualifications in this arena and i think it shows. Jeremy Kreep does his best to humiliate guests on his show. He gives them false promises of ongoing help and proceeds to act like some sort of God, handing out judgements and pretending to solve drug, alcohol and relationship problems. The trouble is, this man is very strange and seems to strive on shouting at people and making them feel worse. Notice that he does not shout at attractive women and he shortens their name or calls them babe. I find this quite creepy. Enemy Kyle also uses cliches constantly- Never trust a man that always says ' I'm just being honest'. The biggest problem with him is that he is letting his ego take over the show. I find it uncomfortable to watch his smugness and I'm better than you attitude. He loks into the audiance and makes faces as people speak. He jumps up and down like Rumpilstilskins demented brother and it is very very weird. Jeremy Vile needs to be banished to Radio Land forever before I go on forever…. please there must be people out there that can see what I see. Do not fall under the spell of the Jeremy Kyle.

    09 Apr 2006, 02:32

  7. Guiseppe

    I agree with you 100% Heather. But to me it's a show I love to hate. I always shout at the TV when I watch it and I can't believe some of the stuff he does. It annoys me when he shortens people's names. He doesn't have a clue about what he's on about, he gives advice that most people with common sense could give but that however is not professional, so what is he doing in this position? He once commended a woman that cheated on her boyfriend because she was charismatic and the audience liked her… how would the man feel like when they are cheering her on? He's a disgrace. I'm just waiting for the day when someone steps up to him – I know I'd love to hurt him.

    11 May 2006, 13:46

  8. Jeremy Kyle

    MUNTERS! if you hate my show so much why are you spending your time leaving a comment about how much you hate me on this site. your sad, your pathetic, your childless…and your so not ever welcome on my show..piggies. You see my name JEZZA KYLE ITS THE JEREMY KYLE SHOW MY NAME MY SHOW YOU LISTEN TO ME!!!!! burn in hell ♥

    22 Jun 2006, 13:52

  9. jeremy kyle

    youre bang out of order

    22 Jun 2006, 13:53

  10. luke doyles

    Jeremy kyle is a complete arrogant twat, i hate how hes like ooo my show my rules. He always uses the line “this is not your show its the Jeremy Kyle show.” I wish you were dead you ugly cold blooded dickhead a fucking 2 year old could do a better job than you. haha funny that your ex wife cheated on you i should buy her a drink.do yourself a favour and stop embarassin urself

    07 Sep 2006, 17:36

  11. luke doyles

    by the way you need a big black dick to teach u a lesson

    07 Sep 2006, 18:25

  12. Tricia

    Hi, like most of you guys I HATE Jeremy Vile too… I would like very much to stand on his neck and watch his evil wee twisted face turn a lovely shade of blue… never know.. maybe one day I’ll get the chance! Ever noticed how he’ll pick on one of the guests and if they stand up to him he’ll change direction and pick on the other more vulnerable one? Who is he? WHO IS HE? (my best Nikki impression) In all honesty who does he think he is? He is a no one… anyone have any idea why radio sacked him?? My curious mind would lurrrve to know


    13 Jan 2007, 18:41

  13. Rick Salto

    You need to see comedian Wes Leonard if you get the chance. He does a great skit on the Jeremy Kyle show, esp. what his misses must be like to put up with someone who is “Mr.Perfect”.

    16 Mar 2007, 12:50

  14. david hartshorn

    i HATE jeramy kyle he is such an arrogant F*K i just want to go on the show and beat him around the head with one of those seats he sets out for you, every time i watch his show i get so angry, why doesnt someone just stand up and beat the living s*t out of him until he cannot take another breath.

    02 Apr 2007, 18:11

  15. SnakeCharmeR

    Jeremy Kyle is a total twat, with the i.q. of a house brick. He hasnt a clue what he is talking about. I wish someone would get up and beat the living shit out of him for talking ( sorry shouting ) to people the way he does.
    I would love to see the smug, self centered bastard get a smack in the head.

    17 Apr 2007, 10:23

  16. kraftwerk

    Vile has had his ITV contract renewed the powers that be must think joe public needs a self centred prick that sings the same drivel every time he opens his clap trap who is this program aimed at?

    18 Apr 2007, 10:07

  17. saz

    i love jeremey kyle show..but i often wonder as he has such a moral high ground how is home life is it must be something like what resembles the brady bunch…wow i want to marry him ; )

    24 Apr 2007, 12:52

  18. saz

    jeremy if you ever see this ignore these ppl i love your show its fab you tell people straight i mean whats the point in goin on a show like tricia..wen she pussyfoots about doesnt tell people how it is etc they just leave the same way in theyre minds but on urs i bet they really see where they go wrong and its good tv too.I LOVE YA SHOW AND THATS WHY YOU HAVE SO MANY VIEWERS AND RATINGS COS ITS THE BOLLOCKS.

    24 Apr 2007, 13:01

  19. David Hartshorn

    hey saz wake up, wot the f*k are you talkin about jeramy vile is a utter dickf*k he wants poisoning with sionide the only thing he does with me and thats leads me to the kitchen draw to fetch the biggest knife i can find to slash my wrists, id like to chain him to a metal bed hooked up to high voltage while gouging his eyes out with a hot needle. thanks for your time

    07 May 2007, 20:58

  20. Kelly Osbourne's Gimp

    I should be fair that Mr Kyle is a nasty, feculent, venomous little bully. Whilst I have no love for his guests, I don’t see why he bullies them so viciously and treats them with contempt bordering (in my opinion) on sheer hatred.

    I can only wait for the day when one of his guests doesn’t take too kindly to being talked down to like that and give Mr Kyle the thorough beating that he so richly deserves.

    Let’s hope his talk show gets cancelled and the rest of the UK see him for the snide, cowardly bully that he is.

    - That’s just my opinion. :)

    - Mike

    14 May 2007, 14:31

  21. janet

    Right, I have read the rubbish written by the ignorant morons who slag Jezza off and threaten criminal thuggery against him.
    Jeremy Kyle has no need of professional qualifications because there is a team of skilled professionals working backstage to give sound advice and counselling to those guests who need it.
    He is a genuine, caring guy whose motive is to help the guests by offering advice
    and he sometimes has to raise his voice to get the message through.
    So if you are one of the stupid idiots who don’t get it, there is a simple solution, STOP WATCHING AND SWITCH OVER TO ANOTHER PROGRAMME.

    16 May 2007, 23:49

  22. janet

    David Hartshorn, you are vile and I fervently hope that one day soon someone will do to you the things you have wished for Jezza, because you don’t deserve to live.
    You are disgusting scum.

    16 May 2007, 23:58

  23. SJ

    Jeremy kyle is a right nobber intent on being as patronising as he possibly can be. I feel that he enjoys the show maybe too much because the fact that he is on tv with such idiots makes him appear remarkably clever in comparison. I’d love to see the day someone with some wit got dumped on the show. They probably wouldn’t show it though cause jeremy kyles comebacks consist of screwing up his face and trying too look a little to intense about a situation he knows no one gives a toss about. Funny show with thick contestants and thick host lol

    01 Jun 2007, 10:09

  24. Portia

    Okay kids…
    David Hartshorn, I agree with you, however I do think you sound slightly suicidal Lol..! But good points and when you finally get to do that to Jeremy Vile let me know! :D
    Janet.. a couple of words for you.. SHUT UP !! You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, you and Jeremy would be the perfect couple.. you both have some sort of dillusional affliction which makes you think you’re better than everyone else… you are outruled by the haters of Jeremy Kyle and therefore we win..! Haha LOOOSERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
    Thanku for reading.. Love You All xxx

    06 Jun 2007, 10:14

  25. Kelly Osbourne's Gimp

    That’s the funny thing with the Jeremy Kyle show – it’s car crash telly. You know you should look away, you want to look away – but you can’t help rubbernecking.

    But if he’s such a lovely caring bloke, why invite those “God Hates Fags” ultra conservative Christian on his show a while ago? (They were featured in Louis Theroux or Panorama or something…)

    I don’t think Mr Kyle had thought of trying to show these people the error of their ways. Personally, I think he was just after sensationalism and a tabloid frenzy so everyone will talk about his show.

    As a sidenote, I thought the Christians came off as more loving and tolerant than Mr Kyle did. At least the Christians loved the 80 or so people in thier church. Whereas, Mr Kyle only seems to love himself – I bet he couldn’t love or even like 80 other people.

    Oh well, must be off so I can go out to the library.

    07 Jun 2007, 15:47

  26. David Hartshorn

    Janet, you are right, the things I said were vile but I don’t mean them any less. I am not disgusting scum at all, I’m a very loving person, just not to people I dislike. Who are you to tell me I don’t deserve to live? lol. Are you Jezza’s wife by any chance?

    Portia – Glad someone agrees with me and you’re right, I am suicidal when I watch Jeremy Vile.

    08 Jun 2007, 14:48

  27. Ann

    Having read all your views i wonder if you all realize that there is an on off switch on your televisions Oh i forgot a remote control to “switch over” and lets face it the folk that go onto the show must like airing there lives in front of millions!! and lets face it would you!!!!!

    12 Jun 2007, 16:11

  28. Kelly Osbourne's Gimp

    Funny you mention the ‘off switch’ there. It’s a button I frequently use when Jeremy’s on. Failing that, I’m asleep. (Well it is 4am.)

    But it still doesn’t stop me from loathing Mr Kyle. :D

    15 Jun 2007, 16:06

  29. Jordan T






    29 Jun 2007, 11:28

  30. sonia murdoch

    my son orion was tooken away from me on 20th july 2007.By sac
    ial worker yvonne samuels her address is Rees house,2-4 morland
    road,cro 6NA contact o2o8-239-4379.she sent 5 police to break down my
    down by door.she told croydon court. i am not capable to look after my son
    after my son orion. yvonne is a big liar and a jealous bitch.please could
    could i come on your show, or help me get my son orion back in
    my care. help me now.

    25 Jul 2007, 15:56

  31. tom

    Jeremy Kyle is such a vile little twat and i would love nothing more than to torture him to death. Or maybe better still, take away all his money, his job and home and move him to a high rise council flat. I have before rang the number just to express my views about him but they never ring me back (the person taking messages probably just agrees with me) lets chose a time and date and protest outside his show (a few handfulls of steroids thrown into the road should take care of security) then bundle him into a van and away we go. What do you say guy`s?

    12 Oct 2007, 15:33

  32. Shaun Thompson

    If JK annoys you so much, maybe you should take a deep structure look at what it is that causes you to to get so miffed. I have myself e-mailed the JK show and asked if they could use a good therapist, as I am qualified in several. But no replies came my way. I did not get all flusterred and write any kind of comments, I accepted that it was JKs loss not mine. So next time you feel that surge inside, take a good look at it, what is it’s color, shape, size, teperature, smell, texture. Then change them all, If it makes a sound, turn it down, speed it up, move it to the other side of your head, move it down to your foot.
    Dont CHOOED to get uptight about what others are doing, or simply turn the TV off.

    All the best.

    05 Nov 2007, 10:44

  33. sarah

    i think u are all stupid for even writin in this thing if u av views the go somewhere else cos no1 cares if u dispise jeremy kyle av u ever thought that he doesn’t like u so just leave him alone and get a life.

    14 Nov 2007, 09:39

  34. karen

    i didnt think there were anymore sane people in the world, and that everyone was sick, watching this arrogant money grabbing man making fools out of these desprate misinformed people. And they may feel theyve got the justice they wanted for a short while and he get the big bucks, but what about the afterwards, because I dont believe for a miniute he helps anybody but himself. Does he think he and his apparently idilic family are safe from his kind of intrusion. What happens when all there dark little sordid secrets come out in to the lime light, it will happen eventually.

    27 Nov 2007, 10:41

  35. Sophie and Josh

    Josh: jereny kyle is a complete TWAT… i would love to make him bite a cerb and stamp on his fucking head… if i ever c him out n about i am going to hauk up a massive fuckin greeny and spit on him…. 1 dai im goin 2 tie him 2 a chair and spoon feed him broken glass… grab his fucking ears and rip them right th FUCK off… cut his head off rip his fucking heart out put it back down his throat and take a shit dwn him….


    27 Nov 2007, 11:53

  36. Maureen

    Lol..i absolutly agree with ‘Sophie and Josh’ Jeremy kyle is a complete BELL END he needs a huge SLAP!! go 4 it if you need a hand ripping his head of just give me a call … 07828779321… i no were he lives im a reletive xx

    27 Nov 2007, 14:54

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