I really do feel that I must comment upon…
…the absolute cynicism of TV talk shows. Having recently opened my blurry eyes to see the spectacle of 'The Jeremy Kyle Show' unfolding before me at the pad of one Gordon Random, I was sufficiently appalled to rouse myself from my stupor and come straight upstairs to write this. Now, the premise of today's show was that guests would give out appeals for lost members of their families in the hope that, like every other citizen of Great Britannia, these people would be sufficiently unemployed to be watching this atrocious show. The guests were, of course, egged on during this entire sorry affair by the astonishingly egregious chat show host, quite clearly a graduate from the Warwick Business School (sorry) or similar. Now, I haven't seen as many chat shows in my time as, I'd imagine, have the good citizens of Jeremy Kyleland. Nevertheless, even I am aware that there is simply no such thing as a show with the premise that guests will appear, give appeals, and then disappear. It would make the presenter look stupid, it would not take up a fifteen or thirty minute slot and it would, quite simply, be Bad Television. Why, then, do guest, presenter and audience alike appear astonished when out slouches the familial deserter from backstage, as predictable as a Michael Bay movie? To illustrate with an example…
Jeremy Kyle: 'Let's welcome Shareen* and Danyeen* to the show. They haven't seen their brother Kyneen* for over fifteen years.'
Shareen: 'Well, Kyneen disappeared and you know how it is, we just lost his phone number and then, you know how it is, fifteen years was gone.'
JK: 'And you're here today to make an appeal to try and find Kyneen. Well, why don't you start by looking into that camera over there and saying what you want to say.'
Danyeen: 'Kyneen, if you're out there, I just want-'
JK: 'In fact, don't bother about all that, because we've found him, ladies and gentlemen!'
Shareen: 'Oh my god! I never would have guessed!'
JK: 'Yes, that's right, we found him. It took a huge team of ITV1 researchers but we've done it. Live by satellite linkup from Australia, it's Kyneen!'
Kyneen now appears on a video screen wearing a cork hat and sitting in front of what seems to be a backdrop of Sydney. He talks in a rather unlikely Australian accent
Kyneen: 'Mornin, cobblers!'
Shareen: 'Oh my god!'
JK: 'Just say what you want to say, Shareen.'
Shareen: 'Oh, Kyneen, I-'
JK: 'In fact, don't bother with all that, because he's not in Australia at all! In fact, he's never even been to Australia! He lives ten minutes down the road from you. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Kyneen!'
And so on and so forth, as Shareen and Danyeen look close to a nervous breakdown. I don't know what can be done about all this but some action must be taken to stop our television screens being filled with such absolute tish and fipsy. Therefore, I suggest…
A CAMPAIGN AGAINST TELEVISUAL PAP
more of which later.
*names may well be made up. All else is painfully true.