July 10, 2005

back in the emerald isle

that's right, i'm back home. not so cool to be blogging already, you might say. and you'd be right. but, y'know, bangor is pretty out-of-the-way, and it's very, very, very hot here, so i'm retreating to the computer room. i know, that's so ten years ago.

anyway, all is grand with me, despite a particularly traumatic six-hour journey which i will attempt to render in some sort of comedic style. well, upon waking at 9 this morning, i was greeted with the usual sounds of screaming from next door. not too bad though, with the sun splitting the trees as it was. i happily trotted onto campus pulling my suitcase along on its little wheels behind me. now, here's where my problems started. had i any sense, i would have recalled that the last time i used said suitcase (which, in fact, i believe to have been on the trip to oxford uni four years ago which resulted, mercifully, in rejection after an atrocious interview…i'm sure a few of you warwick kids know what i'm talking about…it was for the best, guys!) it was really too short for me to pull along. however, today, it was full of books about how screwed america is, and was a bit too heavy to carry. hence, a 45-minute trip to the bus stop, as i stopped every three seconds to change hands / pick up suitcase which had toppled over as i attempted to wheel it. the aggravation of this was compounded by fears about birmingham apparently having been evacuated. but no matter, said i! on to coventry from a bus filled entirely by one family – an unlikely feat, but as we say, 'you can in canley!' – and then to the train station, only to discover that all trains today were cancelled. fair enough, i thought, after wiping away the one solitary tear which threatened to streak down my sooty face. anyway, i made it to the airport okay on the bus, although was thankful that i'd followed my old english procedure of always getting the bus / train before the one which i would rationally need. upon making it to the airport and walking through my second eerily deserted train station of the day, i enjoyed a scintillating ride upon the monorail, to reach the departure gate and see…

THE BIGGEST QUEUE I HAVE EVER SEEN EVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE EVER

that's right. it was a crazier queue than at zanzibar airport, and as far as i remember, that doesn't even have a check-in. anyway, that took an hour, and afterwards i headed up to the departures lounge to listen to babies scream and attempt to grab some food in the ten minutes or so i had left before my flight was called. this is the point at which i discovered that it is absolutely impossible to buy vegetarian food at birmingham airport unless you are willing to pay seventeen pounds for a mushroom and brie 'tostato', whatever that is. hence, the following conversation at burger king.

Me: 'Veggie burger, please.'
Mr Burger King: 'No veggie burger.'
Me: 'Oh.'
Mr Burger King: 'Oh well.'
Me: 'Oh well.'
(pause)
Mr Burger King: 'Bean burger?'
Me: 'Is it vegetarian?'
Mr Burger King: 'Cooked in chicken.'
Me: 'Oh.'

anyway, my flight was called soon after, so i ate a bag of chocolate eclairs for my lunch. on passing through airport security i realised that a photo had been taken of me as i first checked in, which was kind of cool, if a bit orwellian. then i got the privilege of sitting in the lounge listening to a bunch of belfast people get confused by the concept that a giant hunk of metal could actually be elevated and cross the irish sea. what if something went wrong, they asked. what if we all fell out of the sky? yes, what if. what if indeed. i then spent about twenty minutes waiting to use a toilet from which eventually exited a sloan in a red trouser suit, having left a perfect, round, sloan-y turd for my delectation. upon boarding the flight surrounded by idiots reading maeve binchy novels and people saying 'whit? reet! dead on!' i was to learn that our plane was, in fact, delayed. yes, even though we were on board. forty-five minutes of thrill-spinning sitting were to follow before i eventually made it home…

BUT

i do love ireland, and it looks beautiful in the sun. i can see scotland across the sea from my window.

Edit: this is probably my worst example yet of 'life-blogging'. sorry for the self-indulgence. that's what happens when you go home.

Edit edit: i will pledge my eternal and unconditional love to anyone who buys me the 'gimme your tots, i'm freakin starvin' teeshirt which i was about to buy before i had to run for a bus. i'm aware that this is highly unlikely to occur.


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  1. Roisin

    Birmingham airport! The last time I flew through there there was a sign up in burger king saying they had no vegetarian burgers, no beefburgers, no chicken burgers and no chips left. Jeebus. It's still better than the burger king at leicester merdian – I ordered a veggie whopper (that's what they're called!) The dude behind the counter told me that they're not called that, they're just called veggie burgers – but the burger he handed to me very clearly said 'whopper' on it. How bizarre.

    I'm losing my mind here at home, seriously. Mate, you'll not recognise me on thursday as I will have completed my transformation to a gibbering yokel, I honestly think I am suffering from brain entropy.

    Won't someone please save me?!

    11 Jul 2005, 14:49

  2. mate! is it really that bad? are you starting to say 'cyar' instead of 'car'?

    11 Jul 2005, 15:03

  3. Roisin

    Heh, I'm from Tyrone mate, I've always pronounced it cyar!! It's not too bad, I just had a fit of bleakness earlier….this was not helped by my trip to the supermarket earlier where there was a huge queue (what else!) of obese women in shorts buying 'salad' (limerick ham and coleslaw) and screaming, sunburned children demanding ice lollies.

    I was one of those kids….so I got a packet of mini twisters, which has improved the situation somewhat :)

    11 Jul 2005, 18:54

  4. Cathy

    my dad told me that he saw a sign at Dublin airport saying

    THOSE UNFAMILIAR WITH THE USE OF ESCALATORS WOULD BE ADVISED TO USE AVAILABLE LIFTS OR STAIRS

    13 Jul 2005, 00:53

  5. Gordon R

    Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?? Is it really possible that a whole lost tribe from the depths of the congo would roll up at Dublin airport, be stumped by the escaltors and actually be able to read and understand a sign in English?

    13 Jul 2005, 12:18

  6. Hee hee

    15 Jul 2005, 15:18


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