April 13, 2005

and now for something completely different

now, new topics are needed. i can't talk about revising for exams as i don't have any, which makes me feel like this…

…i can't talk about contemporary politics because i just don't have enough brains left over from my ridiculously intense dissertation.
so, instead, i think this blog should go back to fulfilling its old remit of light entertainment – and therefore i'd like to propose the new poll:


that's right, comment with your stupid quotes and the most nonsensical one will no doubt win some sort of prize.
come on kids!

- 46 comments by 1 or more people Not publicly viewable

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  1. Gordon R

    The stupidest thing someone has ever said to me is far too crude to be mentioned publicly. I shall have to think of something else. In the mean time – why don't you start us with one?

    13 Apr 2005, 12:27

  2. i know that roisin and david both have amazingly stupid quotes to do with ham and the moon, respectively, which i hope they will post. one of my recent most stupid encounters went something like this…

    The scene: Discount spectacle shop which shall remain nameless. A lady is filling in my responses to her questions on a form.

    Lady: "And what's your date of birth?"
    Me: "The 5th of the 2nd, '83."
    Lady: "'5th of the 2nd…0 what?"
    Me: "What?"
    Lady: "0 what?"
    Me: "No, 83."
    Lady: "Yeah, cos I was gonna say!"

    presumably i could have passed for under 5 or over 105.
    roll of eye
    er…that one might not work too well written down…i guess you had to be there!
    what's yours, gordon?

    13 Apr 2005, 12:35

  3. er…now i look stupid. i mean…not over 105…but er…between 100 and 105…errr….
    alright, damn you! i can't do maths! you had to get it out of me, didn't you?
    ahhh…my one flaw revealed to all!

    13 Apr 2005, 12:36

  4. David Mc Beige

    I was onced asked the question – Irish Dave, are you Scottish?

    13 Apr 2005, 13:04

  5. "Every month that begins on a Sunday has a Friday 13th" as though this were some kind of spooky phenomenum.

    13 Apr 2005, 13:18

  6. christ that's stupid.
    how about this cracker…smack bang in the middle of a soul-eating-ly dull gothic and melodrama seminar, up pipes a particularly moronic girl who never failed to attend or to say anything useful and who looked like something the mafia might leave in one's bed…

    "Oh my god…this book really reminds me of, like, that film?....'Frankenstein'?"

    guess, dearest reader, which novel we were studying that day.

    13 Apr 2005, 13:24

  7. dave – what about the american's comment about the moon?

    13 Apr 2005, 13:24

  8. David Mc Beige

    Ah yes that amasing comment from a fat american in Seattle

    "So, do you have the moon in Irealnd?"

    To which i replied – "No sir, u landed on it first so you guys got to keep it"

    The best bit was that the fucking dumb ass believed me

    13 Apr 2005, 13:31

  9. Gordon R

    I once had an austrian guy ask myself (english) and the girl I was with (irish) were actually friends.

    Other stupid comments – apart from the one I can't mention – include
    "what did you eat as a child?

    13 Apr 2005, 14:50

  10. come on GR…what's the one you can't mention? please tell me, i need cheering up after finding out that my own unique brand of inoffensive humour has apparently offended everyone.

    13 Apr 2005, 14:52

  11. Gordon R

    No, no, no. It's only funny if you know who I am. And if I did tell it then it would certainly be suggestive of who I am.

    But other stupid comments….....
    complete strangers asking me to marry them usually results in an unimpressed eyebrow raise and a look of disdain.

    13 Apr 2005, 14:55

  12. yaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwnnnnnnn

    bye bye, warwick blogs

    13 Apr 2005, 14:56

  13. Gordon R

    are you leaving us??? Off for a cat nap?

    13 Apr 2005, 14:58

  14. something seems to have gone a bit wrong somewhere along the road of my blogging career. perhaps i was meant to be a vet after all.

    13 Apr 2005, 15:00

  15. Gordon R

    Well that was cryptic.

    13 Apr 2005, 15:02

  16. you should know, gordon random!

    13 Apr 2005, 15:19

  17. Gordon R

    Aren't you just the little tease?
    Well I'm going out into the sun now.

    13 Apr 2005, 15:48

  18. Gordon R

    delayed posting miss ballard, I think we got our wires crossed.

    13 Apr 2005, 15:48

  19. what?

    13 Apr 2005, 15:49

  20. Gordon R

    Oh stop with your fed up sighs. It was just an electronic mis-timing of comments so as I sent one, so did you. Therfore mine made no sense.

    Anyway, I'm supposed to be in the sun. (but not actually in the sun as my fair celtic skin would frazzle and I do believe it's impossible for any human to reach the sun, it's so far, far away – just like you)

    13 Apr 2005, 15:55

  21. yeah, except if you went there at night, when the sun's turned off. hmm. i'm not far away at all, i'm sitting in the computer room next to the library and reading about mexican cinema. i have no secrets. you, gordon random, are a riddle wrapped inside an enigma wrapped inside a mystery.

    13 Apr 2005, 15:56

  22. Gordon R

    So you missed me walking past outside, yeah, you're clever.

    And what did Gordon see on Gordon's travels (I know you love my observations)

    well, I saw people outside the library, I saw 5 bikes, one of which was yellow, I spotted 6 jet planes leaving 6 white vapour trails across the bleak terrain(name that song), I saw the back of a tree as I hid behind it thinking I saw YOU wearing a BLUE jumper, but it turned out to be an old woman, and a man driving a noisy tractor type thing.

    13 Apr 2005, 16:15

  23. i think i smoked something very bad last night because i'm starting to feel really, really paranoid. i was just loitering outside the library on the grass so no doubt you noticed me if you were around. i'm wearing a green jumper, but nevertheless, an amalgamation of an old woman and a man on a tractor should not resemble me in any way. where are you? see if you can spot me in the computer room. what japes!

    13 Apr 2005, 16:58

  24. Gordon R

    I think I was already back inside away from the damaging sun and on the phone to Granny when you were loitering around like a ne'er do well.

    I could spot you now I know what you're wearing, you emerald isle jumper wearing person, but it will be far harder for you to spot ME!!!

    13 Apr 2005, 17:03

  25. seriously gordon random. i'm descending into some manic kind of paranoia right now. please don't contribute to it.

    13 Apr 2005, 17:04

  26. Gordon R

    is there a man sitting next to you????

    13 Apr 2005, 17:08

  27. um..no.
    but this is pretty weird.

    13 Apr 2005, 17:09

  28. Gordon R

    Damn, I had a 50% chance of getting that one right.

    13 Apr 2005, 17:13

  29. hmmm.
    this isn't much fun if you don't at least give me a clue.

    13 Apr 2005, 17:14

  30. Gordon R

    but yesterday's clue created so much excitement I can't possibly build on it. If only I didn't have to go and meet someone very soon then I would perhaps give you another clue. But where am I meeting that person?

    13 Apr 2005, 17:17

  31. piss knows.

    13 Apr 2005, 17:18

  32. Gordon R

    Ohhh grumpy mumpy.

    Sayanara, must dash, as dashy as a dash flash da fla fla brkherjkwehriuwe

    13 Apr 2005, 17:27

  33. you're mad

    13 Apr 2005, 17:28

  34. Roisin

    One of ths stupidest things I've ever heard was a girl I used to work with asking me did we have tv in ireland. Admittedly, that's not as stupid as wondering if we have the moon in Ireland, but still. My friend Jonas worked in a shop that only sold computers and computer games, he said that one day an old woman was staring in through the window for ages, after about 20 minutes she came into the shop, walked past all the posters of computer games and computer game related items, up to Jonas and said, in all seriousness – "Have you got any wool?

    13 Apr 2005, 18:27

  35. Gordon R

    Ahhh, Roisin, that one was just great. Bless the poor woman, bless.

    And Miss Ballard, I'm not mad, you're just sad at missing me standing IN FRONT of the computer room.

    13 Apr 2005, 19:43

  36. hnngh…

    14 Apr 2005, 11:42

  37. roisin, how about this one??

    The Scene: the Leamington branch of Marks and Spencers. Annoyingly, I've got some vouchers for this shop which I'd never normally go to, so Roisin and I are attempting to find something which we could possibly purchase. We stare around in dismay and I pick up a hat, senselessly. A policeman sidles over.

    Policeman (to Roisin): 'Hello there…ah…hello.'
    Roisin: 'Hello.'
    Policeman (frantically trying to communicate something through restricted hand gestures): 'Have you got the time?'
    Roisin: 'It's half twelve.'
    Policeman: 'Right.'


    Me: 'Er… so anyway, I think I'll probably just get this hat.'
    Roisin: 'Yeah.'


    Policeman (to Roisin): 'Is this uh…is this gentleman…uh…gentleman…is this bothering you?'
    Roisin: 'No!'
    Policeman: 'Riiiiight….'

    The Policeman sidles away shooting me an 'I'm-watching-you' look. Roisin and I stand in utter perplexity.

    That's about how it went, wasn't it?

    14 Apr 2005, 12:07

  38. Gordon R

    So Miss Ballard, were you on the bus today or did you journey in on your Sexmobilityscooter???

    14 Apr 2005, 12:31

  39. i drove. and yourself?

    14 Apr 2005, 12:36

  40. Gordon R

    I was on the bus. And of course a smelly person had to sit next to me, which appears to be my curse in life. But at least there were no old ladies telling boys off for picking their noses in public. (but behind closed doors is ok??)

    14 Apr 2005, 12:41

  41. Gordon R

    I was thinking about this on the bus earlier and I came to the conclusion that the last time I was sick was in the Octopus Garden at Thorpe Park in summer 2003.

    14 Apr 2005, 12:44

  42. sounds pretty grim!

    14 Apr 2005, 12:44

  43. Gordon R

    Well yes it was. And embarrassing at the same time.

    14 Apr 2005, 12:49

  44. Roisin

    Eimear, I completely forgot about that – that was EXACTLY how it went – I'd forgotten he'd asked me did I have the time! What a freak! How about this for stupidity:
    Big Fat Slag at Work: So Roisin, you're doing the race for life with me then, aren't you?
    Roisin: No, I don't want to….
    BFS: Why? Don't you agree with cancer research? What's wrong with you?
    Roisin: Clearly that is the case, clearly I want people to be dying from cancer and it's not something as simple as the fact that I have bad knees and don't enjoy the pain I feel in them when I run.
    BFS: Well, I was only asking, I didn't mean to offend you


    Also, in blockbuster Loughborough, renting out a french film, the title of which is IN FRENCH
    Blockbuster employee: Now, just to warn you, this film is in french with subtitles, do you still want it or do you want to swap it for something in english?


    15 Apr 2005, 10:22

  45. you know they have to do that mate. when becky was working in leam blockbuster, someone rented 'y tu mama tambien' and brought it back half an hour later demanding a refund cos 'it's in mexican, innit?'

    horrible sloshing sound as brain slowly melts and entire body deflates

    15 Apr 2005, 11:29

  46. Roisin

    Oh, I guess that makes sense, it's possibly one of the 12 points of customer service. Even so, do I look like the sort of half-wit that that comment would apply to? A stupid and offensive thing was said to me in Canley post office – after queuing for 10 minutes I finally got to the top of the queue, took the parcel I needed weighing out of my handbag, sealed and with the address on it, only to be asked if I had stolen it from the post office. I was too confounded byt e stupidity/unfairness of the comment to say anything other than "Em, NO!"

    16 Apr 2005, 18:24

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