All entries for Friday 28 October 2005
October 28, 2005
This is my life rated, apparently.
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good work, gordon. Don't forget this latest gem:
"To avoid dust collecting on sandwich containers or other small kitchen items, simply cover them with shower caps."
Fine, if you want your house to look like somewhere Ed Gein would have come for dinner. You could always just try dusting. Or generally just not being such a scabby bastard.
Can anyone come up with any tips stupider than these?
For your delectation we have here a sample of worthy and most useful snippets of advice that are instantly implementable, easy to follow and will change your life for ever, all from the high-class reading matter of Chat Magazine.
"Fed up with birds pecking at your lawn? Simply cover your lawn with bedsheets weighed down with bricks"
Your lawn will simply disappear and become a bedsheet.
"To avoid eating too much, put your knife and fork down between each mouthful"
Or you could simply have 6 burgers instead of the usual 10.
"I love collecting ornaments but didn't have a suitable shelf upon which to display them. Whilst out at the skip one day my husband noticed an old fridge. He brought it home. Removed the door and fixed it to our wall. The shelves are a perfect way to display our ornaments"
You are an idiot.
"My daughter is too small to reach the table in our caravan. So we sat her up on one of the cushions. Loads of friends have commented on our innovative idea!"
You and your friends are idiots.
"Fed up with suffering from grey hairs? Simply use a black marker pen to colour them in!"
Particularly useful if you are a redhead.
"I wanted to cook my husband a romantic dinner but soon realized we were out of gold candle holders. I spray painted two old beer bottles though and got the same effect for half the price!"
"Take the page from the travel agent's brochure before you go. That way, if it's not what you were promised when you get there it's easier to complain"
"My son wanted some exciting new wallpaper for his room but I couldn't afford any. Instead I collected old Tesco and Asda bags and sellotaped them to his walls. Same effect for half the price!"
"I decided to convince my neighbours that my cat was a racing cat by giving her a little pair of goggles and scarf and chasing her round the garden"
"Can't find trousers long enough? Just cut your feet off and get the same effect for half the price!"
"Can't afford your Christmas shopping this year? Just steal it instead!"
"Two of my favourite foods are cheese and bread. One day I decided to put the two together and form an exciting creation, something I like to call a sandwich. Why don't you try it yourself?"
"Fed up of watching old re-runs of Perry Mason all day? Why not get a job?"
"Can't be bothered to get a job or just decided work's not for you? Why not just fall over some loose paving stones and claim instead?"
And my personal favourite is….............
"If you get some biro ink on your hands, try washing it off with a little soap"
Washing hands with soap might be quite revolutionary for some readers after all.