All entries for Tuesday 27 September 2005

September 27, 2005

do you want them to have to soufflé every meal and croissant?

this made me laugh

At 0945 yesterday morning a major earthquake measuring 4.5 on the Richter scale epicentered on greater Belfast. The earthquake decimated the area, causing an estimated £30 million of damage, with the exception of Sandy Row and Ardoyne where approximately £375,000 of improvements were made. Untold damage and distress was caused with many woken before their Giros arrived. Several priceless collections of mementos from Turkey and the Spanish Costas were damaged and three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed.Victims can be seen wandering aimlessly amidst the wreckage muttering "wha?". Thousands are confused that something other than political madness has shaken Belfast. One survivor Tracey-Anne Johnston, a 17-year-old mother of three told us "I near crapped meself. Our Shania-Fairybell came gurning into my room this morning. My youngest two, Britney and Justin slept through it, so they did. I was still shaking watching Trisha – like. " Apparently in the West of the city joyriding and looting carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Buckfast into the area to help with the stricken masses. Rescue workers still searching through the rubble have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke and Ratners.
HOW YOU CAN HELP:- Clothing is most sought after –
Items required include….... Sovereign rings, Baseball caps, White Socks,
Tesco 2 stripe trainers, Track Suits, Chunky Gold Chains
FOOD PARCELS ARE ALSO URGENTLY REQUIRED - Required foodstuffs include…Buckfast, Frozen Burgers, Buckfast, Lard, Buckfast, Deep fried Mars Bars, Tayto Cheese 'n onion, Buckfast
25p will buy a biro pen to fill in a spurious claim form
£1.95 will buy an All-Day Ulsterbus ticket to enable victims to travel from the Bru to Post Office to McDonalds to the Offys
£10 will take a family to Antrim for the day where the children can sniff glue and skin-up amongst the national collection of stinging nettles
£15 will buy chips and an E for a family of 4.

Please send your credit card number and sample signature now.


September 2005

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