All entries for Friday 25 February 2005

February 25, 2005


right, no doubt i'm going to get in trouble for this. but it is based in generalisation, and it is the result of many months of meticulous research.

WHICH 'WARWICK' ARE YOU? Take this simple quiz to find out…

1. Let's start with an easy one. What are you wearing…RIGHT NOW?
A. Teflon trousers and hoodie emblazoned with my hilarious sports team nickname.
B. Black, black, black.
C. A kangaroo costume and a fez.
D. Hand-crafted Tibetanese clogs and a poncho woven from the hair of Butanese herdsmen.
E. A full-body piercing.

2. And what did you have for your dinner last night?
A. Lucozade, Hula Hoops and a Ginster's Slice.
B. Burgers and soap.
C. Alphabetti spaghetti and a j-cloth.
D. Foie gras.
E. Carling.

3. Okay, they're getting trickier now. Where do you get off the bus?
A. Gibbet Hill, after irritating all fellow passengers with discussion of pie / sandwiches / PET BEE.
B. I can't fit onto the bus because my hair is too tall.
C. I don't use the bus; I ride to campus on a child's unicycle.
D. Wherever it stops for a sufficient juncture to allow me to untangle myself from the moorings which I have rigged so that I can ride on top of the bus in a gesture of empathy for the Indian farmers I encountered on my gap year.
E. Fuck off, conformist.

4. What's your favourite bedtime ride?
A. 'The Economist', with 'Max Power' to get me through those lonely weekend nights.
B. 'How To Lose Friends and Alienate People.'
C. 'Sooty Goes to the Fair.'
D. The Communist Manifesto.
E. A Sadie Benning biography.

5. Which of these sentences are you must likely to utter?
A. 'To quote Union Policy 42b…'
B. 'Basically, I've got a lot of time for you. But you're a c*nt.'
C. 'Wacky wacky crazy bonkers!'
D. 'It's like one solitary tear…falling down the face of a young boy covered in soot.'
E. 'I SHALL NOT BE SILENCED…................'

6. Okay, here's a tricky one. How many mums have you tried it on with?
A. Hnnnnnh!
B. I've had everyone's mum, in the face. But I painted your arse on their faces first, so it was like I was doing you. Up the arse.
C. Ooh, matron!
D. My soul is too sensitive for the ravages of this cruel world.
E. Well, you've just opened a pandora's box of gender politics and ageism, innit?

7. What's your favourite hobby?
A. Table tennis.
B. Forming bands.
C. Painting faces onto vegetables.
D. Self-flagellation.
E. Picketing.

8. Would you like to get involved in student-written drama?
A. I'm a bit scared…
B. Basically, I'm too much of a mixture of the comic and the brutally real for people to truly understand. Basically.
C. Can I wear a dress?
D. I heard a nightingale last night. Was it you?
E. Can I menstruate?

9. What's in your CD player right now?
A. The latest record by Maroon 5.
B. The latest record by Sainsbury's Bio-Dome Experiment.
C. 'Thomas Goes to Town' as read by Floella Benjamin.
D. 'The Greatest Hits of Byron' sung by a choir of dolphins.
E. 'Sexless Demon and Scars' by Jack off Jill.

10. And finally…how are you feeling right now?
A. I am outraged and will soon be writing two letters of complaint to The Boar.
B. Conflicting.
C. Pitoon!
D. This new rape of my soul comes as no surprise.
E. Fuck you.

Mostly A's – You are WARWICK BEIGE. You meander around costcutter in a cream jumper and you sit in Top Banana every Monday like the sack of beige you are. Get out of town.
Mostly B's – You are WARWICK EMO. Shut up, emo, no one's interested. Get out of town.
Mostly C's – You are WARWICK IRONIC. Your wackiness hurts my eyes. Get out of town.
Mostly D's – You are WARWICK BOURGEOIS. You're not on your gap year any more, Bourg, and you can take off the 'Free Nelson Mandela' badge now. Get out of town.
Mostly E's – You are WARWICK PINK-HAIRED LESBIAN. Get out of town.

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