All entries for Monday 23 January 2006

January 23, 2006

Killing time

Writing about an entry you don't have permission to view

I think I might already have done this, back in the blogging day. But I can't remember, and I have some time to kill. My answers won't be as funny as Roisin's though.

TEN Random Things You Might Not Know About Me
1. If I wasn't here, I'd be a showjumper by now. Maybe.
2. I play the clarinet. Or I did.
3. I'm actually from Bangor, not Belfast.
4. I'm a vegetarian who used to be a vegan but missed pizza.
5. I banged my head on the ceiling this morning.
6. I used to breed guinea pigs.
7. My first job was cleaning the floor at a dogs' home.
8. I have serious arachnophobia.
9. I'm dating my ex-blog-stalker.
10. I was Bonny Baby of Bangor, 1983.

NINE places I've visited
1. The equatorial line in Kenya.
2. The Eiffel Tower.
3. The Empire State Building.
4. The bottom of the sea in Turkey, where I came face to face with a rather scary fish.
5. Williams, Arizona.
6. San Francisco.
7. Freddy Mercury's birthplace in Zanzibar.
8. Greenwich Village.
9. The Alps.

EIGHT ways to win my heart
1. Have integrity.
2. Make me laugh.
3. Express yourself articulately and honestly.
4. Make the people around you feel comfortable.
5. Look right into my eyes.
6. Give me a nice big hug. Go on.
7. Have a beautiful voice.
8. Be unashamedly kinky.

SEVEN things I want to do before I die
1. See more of the world.
2. Publish a novel.
3. Have a really good photography exhibition or publication.
4. Sign an autograph as myself (not as Jamie Oliver).
5. Get a standing ovation from a sold-out theatre. YES I AM AN UTTER EXHIBITIONIST.
6. Die at least once, in a movie or a play. Then I'll be better prepared.
7. Be on one of those '100 Greatest' shows saying 'I don't have a fucking clue who any of these idiots are'.

SIX things I'm afraid of
1. SPIDERS
2. Loneliness. Boohoo.
3. CLOWNS.
4. COTTON WOOL.
5. BUSES.
6. SANDPAPER aaaargh

FIVE things I don't like
1. Rude people.
2. Being frustrated by morons.
3. Being let down.
4. People talking in loud voices about things they do not understand in the slightest.
5. Spiders, clowns, cotton wool, buses and sandpaper.

FOUR ways to turn me off
1. Take yourself too seriously.
2. Be forcedly quirky. Or wacky, even worse.
3. Seek too much attention.
4. Shout 'I didn't tell you to come' during sex. Yes, it's happened.

THREE things I do every day
1. Have a chat with mad old Random.
2. Take a picture. Most days.
3. Lift some weights, hooha!

TWO things that make me happy
1. A vast blue sky, most preferably stretching over a vast blue sea.
2. Love, love, love.

ONE thing on my mind right now
1. Popping candy is such a strange invention.


Catch a boat to England, baby

Well now!
Monday morning, I appear to have been the first person into the union today, which is especially not cool as I'm not even a student any more. However, I'm not going to worry, no, I'm just going to hope that Jobseeker's will seek me out a decent job after my appointment with them on the 25th. All is well in Canley apart from the arrival of an apocalyptic crow which has taken to roosting outside our house and screaming 'BWAH!' just as we wake up. The utter hideousness of the heckling neighbours has been nullified, anyway, by the injection of sophistication to the Can which was the awesome cocktail party – much dignity and discussion of French music, good. Good news also is that Random and I are taking a holiday to Stockholm in February, just after my birthday, so I'm feeling pretty happy despite being unemployed. My jobless status makes it perfectly justifiable for me to watch television programmes such as 'The Jeremy Kyle Show', 'Celebrity Big Brother', and, last night, 'Britain's Best Psychic Ever' (or similar). Presented by Trisha (remember her?) this was a gameshow in which contestants competed to be crowned The Most Psychic Idiot in England. My scepticism about this was compounded by the show itself, in which hapless idiots determined to be bowled over by the extrasensory capabilities of more hapless idiots engaged in conversations such as these:

Fake Psychic: 'I'm getting something… it's… some sort of figure is appearing…'
Hapless Idiot: 'Oooh, yes! That must be my grandmother!'
Fake Psychic: 'It seems to be taking on…a female shape…she's telling me that she cares for you very much…was this a maternal figure in your life?'
Hapless Idiot: 'Oooooh!!!'
Fake Psychic: 'I'm getting the letter… A?'
Hapless Idiot: 'Hmmm…'
Fake Psychic: 'The letter B?'
Hapless Idiot: 'Ooooh! My second husband's middle name was Barry!'
Fake Psychic: 'She seems to have…more spirits around her…'
Hapless Idiot: 'Oooooh! Has she got my rabbit? And how's Grandad Smith?'
Fake Psychic: 'She seems to be holding an animal…perhaps a pet? And she's with a male figure…'
Hapless Idiot: 'Oooooh!!!'

My god. Surely, the televisual equivalent of the latest advice given by 'Ruth the Truth' in this week's 'Chat' magazine:

'Joanne from Portsmouth, your dad wants you to know that he's very happy on the other side, and he's got both his legs.'


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