All entries for Monday 13 June 2005

June 13, 2005

you pushed and you pushed and you pushed!

in case anyone actually cares about who writes this bilge…

okay, i'm doing this, but it's okay, because i'm doing it in a postmodern, ironic way. okay?

Ten Random Things About Me
1) if i wasn't a student i'd be a professional showjumper
2) i play the clarinet and saxophone
3) i've never broken a bone (though i have sprained my ankle)
4) my eyes are different shapes and my jaw is an inch out of line
5) i've dyed my hair for five years and i don't know what colour it really is
6) my favourite movie is hitchcock's 'rebecca'
7) i cry at really stupid crap, like 'the animals of farthing wood'
8) i was a vegan for two years, but i missed pizza (i'm now a vegetarian)
9) i love performing, but i get horrible stage fright
10) i can't control my reaction to the cuteness of wee puppies and kittens

Nine Ways to Win My Heart
1) be yourself
2) make me laugh
3) be spontaneous
4) be positive
5) have a genuine smile
6) surprise me, in good ways
7) be able to see the funny side of things
8) laugh at tat
9) rub the back of my neck when you hug me

Eight Things I Want To Do Before I die
1) see more of the world
2) be famous
3) have a job which i love
4) continue having a great family and great friends
5) pass my fucking driving test, for christ's sake
6) conquer my fear of heights by jumping off something tall
7) travel across america with someone i love
8) have a house full of wee puppies

Seven Ways To Annoy Me
1) make dismissive, snap judgements
2) have bad manners and display other signs of ignorance
3) be overly loud without reason
4) be offensive on purpose
5) be self-centred
6) be pretentious or otherwise ingenuine
7) talk in the cinema. christ!

Six Things I Believe In
1) love
2) happiness
3) peace
4) karma
5) er…brazilian music?
6) that things will work themselves out

Five Things I'm Afraid Of
1) spiders!!! JESUS!
2) loneliness
3) heights!
4) powerlessness
5) Q-tips. god, i hate those.

Four Favourite Items In My Room:
1) movies
2) music
3) photos
4) window!

Three Things I Do Everyday
1) have one of those unique chesham showers which feel suspiciously like being pissed upon from a great height by a mexican bandito
2) go for a stroll
3) gape in astonishment at moving images

Two Things I Want To Do Right Now
1) have my dissertation finished!
2) sit out in the sun

One Person I Wish I Could See Right Now
1) ruth

the most disgusting ornaments i have ever seen

having worked as a sleazy salesperson of 'luxury items' under the tutelage of a man named stanley knife (i kid you not) i know my tat very well indeed. that's why i've decided to share this horrible, grotesque collection of craperie with you all. can anyone come up with any ornaments grimmer than these?

this cat appears to be taking its last sips of stagnant water before finally expiring as a result of some pompeii-esque atrocity.

now, this is being marketed as 'santa claw ornament', leading me to deduce only that making a replica of father christmas from a lobster's leg is intended as a pun on the diminuitive 'claus'; however, this is deeply traumatic, for a series of reasons.

ah yes, madam, a wonderful choice. a replica voodoo face which will doubtless bring a pox on both your houses. just imagine your delight upon waking in the morning to find this sitting on your neck!

and my own personal favourite

i can't quite find the words to describe this, but it appears to be a delightful depiction of a vastly oversized spider upon which is delicately balanced a lilliputian house full of ghosts. DIVINE!

i'm sharp enough to know i got a chore to do, it's true

sits back with a look of wry amusement at the chav argument which seems to have developed in my absence

well now, well now, what a collection of days! i haven't been on campus for a little while due to being on 'research leave' (yeah whatever) which has enabled me to do a great amount of lying around and watching 'family guy'. despite this apparent apathy, i'm now feeling tired enough to have problems using my left hand. but no matter – push on, push on! this weekend was grand enough – recently-departed housemate dave felt the magnetism of chesham sufficiently to return for a visit, which was ace. unfortunately, seeing a collection of all of my least favourite people in one room on saturday night was less ace, and inspired feelings of gerbil-murdering rage which were tempered somewhat by the presence of the ever-intriguing miss random and by yet more overheard strains of leamington's apparent anthem, 'the wild rover'. it was proven during last night's game of gin rummy that i am incapable of lying (try me), i still can't open the driver door of my car – but bread stocks remain unusually high, so chesham is a mixed blessing.

random, i told you i'd find you a picture of a hamster in a towel, and i wasn't lying.

June 2005

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