May 12, 2006

How'd do I look?

On reflection of one of those days, it seems that the majority base their entire judgements on appearance. The simple lads convo of "wow, she's fit…" – yeh but what if she's a head case? The same is true of women. Having just sat thro "Chantelles dream dates", cos it was on and I lost control of the remote … the opinion was that every man could be attractive if he has the right clothes. How does this work? Ive always been told I look like a punk whatever I wear, hence why recently Ive been trying to get away from a stereo–typed image. Maybe I dont wear the right stuff? who knows, but I think there is somethin more sinister at work. Im thinking more the fact personally I hit self pity too easily. Or do the wrong things, but I think personality is fundamentally ingrained from birth and nobody changes that much. I can honestly say that it worries me the fact that people are orientated like this, cos if it was a style competition … Id lose. Then again at some points I think in a personality competition again… Id lose. But at least I can blame my parents for my looks, the problem with a styling issue is that its down to me, and god knows I should sack my stylist. Obviously not everyone conforms to these dimensions of fussiness but is it not a shame that personality seems to be majorly overlooked? I say an honest and sweet personality is much more useful than the whole armani jeans and versace tops. This is not a bitter claim because as Ive stated basing on personality I fail also, but its just a thought which has become extravagantly obvious from some of the convo's I've had today.

May 09, 2006

Count to three …. come out fighting….

In recent years Ive had alcohol problems, drug problems and more importantly aggression problems. Controlling someone who is as passionate as I can be is a difficult step. But the feeling Id tamed the beast is starting to slip away. Ive been dealing with troubles by phasing them out slowly, not being quick to react. But I feel like a coiled spring, like tension is building and sometime soon Im gonna fly off. Pressure is being placed on me from several sides and sources, and yet Ive absorbed it. Witnessing people talking about others behind there backs has been synonymous with the Warwick experience. But ive always had a gift for seeing the same thing directed at me. How far do you take it? OK theres like 2 months left of Uni and antagonising isnt cool so close to exams, but if I blow up who will be there to stop me? Ive met several people at Uni that seem to think Im a push over. But others have realised in the truest sense that when I get pushed onto the ledge I'll stop the decline until I reach the edge. But once that edge comes gapping into view, game over. My main reason for drinking less is well known, but there is the aspect that my self restraint could be in jeopardy if I do get wasted. I reach out for alternatives…. none come forth, Im off drugs… not that they helped, Ive been tempted to go for a high speed drive just to be silly, the urge to motion a pen into my head is so tempting when the tedium of revision is in flight. I cant say Im deeply unhappy cos Im not, I just need that tension to up and leave and without causing difficulties, or tears, again. The irony of the song now playing on the auld ipod, "Hello darkness my old friend…. silence like a cancer grows…."

The end of it all ebbs ever closer, but the goal is not to rise to it, but something needs to give …. any tips on staying cool?

May 06, 2006

Everyone gives in once in a while….

After working at Asda for 2 years, its surprising that I went to sainsburys shopping yesterday. I realise it seems a bit weird judging I get a 10% discount, but its always nice to have a bit of a change. Although spending double what I normally do, I did find a lot of intriguing new stuff which I havent seen in Asda for a while. Normally the stuff lasts longer as well, better suppliers…. but some of the extra cos went on Pearl Jam self titled, which Ive been listening to solidly whilst revising. It occurred to me that in most of the reviews they suggest that its typical PJ, that they havent moved on from the grunge style that came before Nirvana's rise and revolution, but I feel a more calmed sense within the music. Life Wasted is particularly interesting on this theory, has more a feel of BRMC, but still a quality track. It also seems ironic that it was in my change of shopping habits that forced, or allowed, the purchase. Maybe I find change in the most easy circumstance. Though recently I have felt an air of change in most things, I some how sense a culmination which will be big. Not quite sure from whence it will come as of yet, but I welcome it with open arms.

May 02, 2006

Media Shuffle

Go to your music player, set it to shuffle/random, and answer the
following questions with the title of the FIRST song that you skip
to each time. No cheating!

If you reached the top of Mount Everest, you would scream:
Sweet Home Chicago

The next time you stand up in front of a group of people, you'll say:
My Sharona

Your favorite thing to say when drunk is:
Enter Sandman

Your message to the world:
Sex Sux

Your deepest secret:
Sympathy for the Devil

Your innermost desire:
Siente Mi Amor

Your oldest memory makes you think:
Heaven Beside You

Somewhere in your wedding vows, you'll include:
Fall to Pieces

On your deathbed, you'll whisper:
Happy Break Up Song

Your friends say behind your back:
Her Ghost in the Fog

You say behind your friends' back:
Sweet Transvestite

Your opinion of MySpace:
Flower of Carnage

When you wake up in the morning, you mutter:
5000 ways to Die

If you found yourself lost on a desert island, you'd yell:
About a Girl

Right now, your feelings are:
Half the Man I Used to be

What's your excuse for reposting this bulletin?:
Hell Yes

Your life's soundtrack:
I Aint no Nice Guy (after all)

April 29, 2006

Queue for FF tickets

The only major university event that Im going to go to and I think the queue was handled quite well, it put evolve nights to shame, the organisation was decent and it moved quickly. My worst concern is that though getting a substancial amount of core text read whilst in the queue 10–1, it moved so well that I didnt finish it, and now I have no motivation to read more. Atleast I had nothing to do while waiting and I could concentrate, in the main, on what needed to be done. So starting selling them at 12 whilst nice on the whole boredom system did not do wonders for my revision or not as much as it could have had they opened at 2. Ha, thats a students perrogative, complain bout queues being too long/slow and finding fault with the whole short–ish, well organised one too. It was good fun too, being with friends and chatting randomly, seems like ages since that kind of opportunity presented itself. Though still not convinced FF is the event for me, I look forward in anticipation for the different kind of scenery, and better still Ive decided Im staying sober and getting a digital camera, I will be the opportunist who catches the stupid poses of everyone around, and cap university off with lots of lasting and printed memories.

When does today become tomorrow (aka where did it all go wrong)

Just curious on opinions, its now past midnight, so does that count as tomorrow yet? or do u have to sleep first? I promised myself that fri was going to be a good day… in general it was. But also said I wouldnt let things get me down, so Im desperate for it to hit sat in the technical its tomorrow sense so I can ease my put on relief and joy. Ive too much on my mind to actually be happy anymore. The fact nobody around seems to be bothered bout much further than themselves, ok on a few occassions I may have broken this – but I tend to pride myself on being reliable, helpful, generous and respectful to those around me…. archaic values or what? why is it that so many people, especially uni students seem so caught in their own self worth that nobody else matters?

One thing that came randomly into my mind when I was being kept awake last night, was where exactly is it that people want you to go? you try to be open and friendly, and get kicked back…. get a bit sullen and withdrawn it gets worse… you cant win. On the aspect of reviewing decisions, I looked back on different ways I treated people in the past. Certain things changed as I learnt from experience, but it came back to the same motive… wrong people wrong time. I paraphase thusly, Certain people want all the attention, others want none, there seems to be no middling ground, cos whatever you seem to call middle ground is regarded as too much or too little for some people. If i do something too much, Im caned for being OTT but if not Im caned for not being outward/attentive enough. Maybe I just dont recognise anything but the polar. One thing Ive learnt of late is that no matter how hard you try to run away from it, cater for other peoples wants, change fundamentally who you are, you cant escape who you are deep inside, or what your past held. Staying true to yourself is the key, no matter how others try to break you, or how hard they push to get a rise outta you, you win if you stay in tact.

"Give me the strength to wonder, to wonder if Im free, give me the strength to wonder, to wonder what I can be…. give me the strength to hold my head up, n spit back in their face."

April 22, 2006

A house doesnt always make a home….

I believe for a general studies resit I wrote an essay on what would be my ideal home, which went on a tangent to explain that what they expected would be I want a mansion in the California sun strip, but a home is much more than bricks and mortar… in fact that is just the house. And yes there is a difference. I count a home as a place that you are wanted, where you feel accepted and where you dont prefer to hide away in order not to annoy the hell outta someone. So on that score, I think maybe there are few times during uni that Ive felt at home.

Maybe some people would point out the fact that it doesnt help alienating oneself in that position. Or maybe due to visiting parents in the holidays, Im home sick…. I doubt it, Ive not lived at home now for 4 yrs, and although a nice change I dont feel truly in my place, though I do enjoy staying, its more a holiday.

Ive never been one to invade other peoples privacy and if that gets to the levels that I feel that Im really not wanted around certain bodies, I will make myself scarce. Its one of my many talents that I can pick up vibes and respect the fact that my presence isnt on the agenda. So I walk off…. creating depression? No far from it. It makes me even more certain that I have a better view of things than some I dont care to mention, and that me having problems with people are usually completely open, if they originate from something I dont like. I could be confrontational. I could be angry, but to be honest Im just not that way inclined anymore. People can get on with their own things, if they dont get in my way. I say whatever, Im the happiest Ive been in I dont know how many years, Im guessing since the 16th July 1998, random date I know but reasons. And believe me, no1 is gonna change that.

April 20, 2006

The good ol' days of summer

Well summer might not be here, but I had one of those nights that reminded me of first year last night. Maybe cos I was out with a first year friend Ive not seen in ages, or maybe because nothing seemed to have changed at all since first year. Carefree, careless and damn good fun. Ahhhh the blissful innuendos!!! And the undertones of something more going on, that everyone seemed to know about, and yet was still concealed. Its always good to chill out, and with the right people it makes your troubles slip slide away…. ok there were some heated conversations, awkward moments and questions, but who cares…. My theory is that you only live once, take the rough with the smooth and things will just be peachy. And all this after just one pint of guiness I hear you say!!! Yes!!! No longer is alcohol the be all and end all of my night, lessons learnt! I rarely stay sober when I go out like that but, I see the advantages, no mess to clear up after knocking half my room onto the floor, no stupid actions/texts… Im liking the whole drink sensibly thing, its a new concept for me, but one thats seeming awesome….

April 15, 2006

A top philosophy to live by…

There maybe a big philosophical debate about the best ways to live, religious views taken into account the soundest advice I have ever heard, which can be understood by everyman, and not necessarily dependant on the actual success or goodness behind your own personal life,

"A man who wants nothing …. is invincible."

I see this as so true to life it really is scary, Ive found nothing more real, it fits with the principle that "you have nothing to lose" in that if you have nothing or require nothing, what more can you need. Call me a communist, but I truly am starting to believe that the small things in life, like family, are what forms true happiness, and therefore, I can say with all honesty that I am happy, I require nothing, therefore feel invincible.

"What do you want from life?"

disclaimer : ok the film buffs out there will recognise these points, but for me they are inherent perfection to the critical moment of life such as it is at present.

April 12, 2006

What women want?

After using blogs as pretty much as a public diary, thought I'd have a bit of a rant and add some controversy. For the feminists among you, and people who thought this is a film review, turn off now….

As once stated by Billy Joe Armstrong and Mike Dirnt, "Nice guys finish last" and this IS true. Ive seen friends who are the nicest guys on earth being single for years, while all those who maybe I shouldnt call friends that are heavily into the sins of life flit between girls like they are reading a book, page after page turns. I think there is a reason for this, the bad boy image is so much more attractive to women. There are those who Ive seen go against this, but in the main, its fairly set. I mention know names, but there are friends who have the worst possible person hygene, who can actually make you want to throw up just being in their smell zone, who somehow manage to hide the fact from the fairer sex. Or those who are blattent polygamists (probably spelt wrong) but every1 is interested cos they have so much confidence in themselves. I dont claim to be a nice guy, though Im not as vendictive and manipulating as some Ive met. Even some women are manipulating, Ive lost friends by speaking out about this but I dont see that there is much good to be obtained from this. Experience makes you wise, and one thing that is blattant is that if its a straight choice between the nice guy, and the not so nice, its always the latter. Maybe its cos Im a traditionalist, I dont see the merits of the bed-hopping student type. Not that its confined to students, but seems to be prevalent in some circles. Im led to believe that at a certain age, women change their minds on what they want, ok so Ive had this pain bugging me to meet her, but really Im not interested cos she fits the bed-hopping variety. When in scotland there was a great looking girl who was hanging round a bit, but she was heavily into drugs, and thats when I lost interest. Maybe its a gender thing, or a preference thing, but why is it that bad girls or guys do it for some ppl, while everyone else is left hanging. I think its a confidence thing, when I was back in that scene I had no fears, no worries, just a relaxed air, but now its like I have so much more to consider. Maybe its from growing up too. I can honestly say that I know exactly what I want in woman, but I have a feeling that women are never 100% sure, just watch jeremy kyle to see how uncertain women are, or so devoted to the bad boy that they are willing to cry their eyes out after a beating, and even expect it. Its not worth being a bad boy and beating ppl up just to get women, that would be a catastrophe and in some ways, being a nice guy turns to catastrophe… Your damned if you do, damned if you dont. What women want? Damned if I know, maybe some are damned if they know themselves?

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