All entries for May 2006
May 28, 2006
Why is it that seemingly the blatent theory of uni students is that they all get drunk, get into drugs and have an outstanding relationship with one night stands?
The getting drunk thing is easily answered. From turning 18, in most cases the year before Uni, there is a tendency to feel that one has to prove to peers that you can drink like a fish. Thus ending in lying in bushes outside rootes, or staggering home from the union to far flung westwood in an attempt to see that room that in reality you only left an hour ago… but due to several sambucas and a few pints for good measure is now calling, cutting an evening short. Boy do you feel special then?
The drugs again is fairly obvious, due to the new found wealth which comes to the fore in uni life, people for different walks adds to the general prospects for the ability to experiment. And I guess these two are both linked to my third point of an escape to the one night stand if you can walk as far as his/her room. What happens after? you see them in the union maybe once or twice, and get blanked so wheres the fun gone?
My point is that with the advent of a new year, we see more freshers looking for a party, and while stalwart finalists seem a distant memory the debauchary goes on. I feel sorry for the new freshers every year that Ive not been one. (ok only two years, but still there is a lesson here somewhere) We all feel relieved to leave family in some way, to gain that touch of independance we so desired. But at the end of it all what have we learned? Ive learned that Im turning out more like my dad everyday. Alcohol is a feasible solution to my troubles, smoking helps pass time and I have a contempt for most women that have past through my life. though I clarify the last sentiment with the fact it is out of due neglegence and stupity that this has come to fruition.
Ive had nights at uni when Im so drunk I cant remember, and I dont like drinking as much now, unless I need an escape. Drugs have been a part of my life since GCSEs and now Uni has shown me that I dont really need them. While the one night stand I had, although lovely and being one of those things I wouldnt change, has made me realise any more would be silly and I dont want to be in that sort of thing again, I may not seem it but I am a more romantic and caring person than given credit…. I dont need the easy release, Im in for the long haul, if Im in at all. From Uni the main thing that Ive learnt is that I hate the stereotypes, I hate the person I was when I arrived, but Im a lot more comfortable with who I am now. Maybe that is why the stereotyped student is important, it gives people something to expect and if anything learn from and get away from if, in my view, they are wise.
May 24, 2006
Surprisingly managed to copius amounts of revision this morning. But the only reason I went to campus was to see an old flatmate after her exams. Thats when it suddenly hit me. After spending so much time with her and her mates, who I previously recognised as mine too, I felt somehow uneasy. There was the aspect of the most expensive habit known to man being only a few yards away; the whole era of my life I tried to forget; and the agony of walking away. But it occurred to me the reason I am who I am now, is due to abstinence. Im now a social reject from this group cos Im not involved with the scene anymore, and Im a social reject from the "norm" cos I never was part of it, nor do I have the desire to conform. Warwick has the most polarised society I have ever known. If your in the right places you get to know the underground people and your remain with that, but there is also the other side that your never truly accepted by the many religious types who seem to frequent areas of campus. Im starting to feel that everything good that has happened to me during uni has been messed up by my own inability to mould. Call it a learning curve, one that will make you a better person. Hell the affects of abstinence are there, but all the same… Im just boring and a has–been who never really gains the faith. Ive messed up my whole university career and lets be honest I wish I never came. Ive not lost my trademark passion or heart–on–sleeve mentality, its just I now keep quiet on all issues. At uni I found myself speaking only when spoken to, and at home Ive started to be like that too. My only problem now is I cant deal with myself. I havent felt this way in so long I dont know what to do, Ive broken out the booze and I feel that maybe of aggression therapy being induced may help but nothing to punch anymore, the house is so shoddy Id put a fist through most things. I just wanna get out, University is like a prison and my life sentance which it has become has no bounds, it will continue on the outside.
"Sick of this life,
not that you care,
Im not the only one with who these feelings I share,
Nobody understands what while we're here,
Searching for answers that never appear.
May 23, 2006
May 19, 2006
Ah with every passing day it gets closer to exams, and the question of jobs comes up. I can never see where Im going, til I get there then I dont wanna be there anymore. But been thinking there is always the potential to be a rubbish collector, though I cant see myself being like the amiable hairy guys from Wimbledon Common. I got the big nose if that helps, but no uncle Bulgaria in sight, so even on that score I fail.
Revision is seemingly taking over the time that Im not drinking to excess, or sleeping. Been out 3 times this week with the Asda lads. Cracking Euro Cup final, all the more exciting added to events of later on that night. Those boys can really drink so it was amusing keeping up and still being the more sober. Also, Ste threw up for the first time in his life from alcohol related intake. Then proceeded to punch me…. perhaps the most amusing thing was walking home with Big T (aptly named as he's bout 18 stone), supporting him was a task in itself. But I got my own back when I floored him whilst getting him in a headlock. The fact me and DP were the soberist and last men standing by the time we reached Zachariah's was the funniest thing ever, with both of us put together just about weighing in at the same as T on his own. Laughable, but disturbing that the heavyweight drinkers got knocked out first.
Oh and then there was the Leamington FC vs Barwell Cup Final. Interesting to watch a grass roots game again. Amusing chants going on, mainly aimed directly at the Barwell fans/players …. "Your just a bus stop in Hinkley" and "He's fat, He's Bent, His house is up for rent … Number Nine…" to name just two. Shame bout the score, but the Brakes were robbed … afore mentioned number nine getting awarded a 9.8 for his acrobatic swan dive from the Ref, from Hinkley, if you follow the connection. 3–1 was disappointing but reasonable even if Leam did start to come back into it and couldve done more.
One of these days Ill finish reading Apuleius but til that day I struggle on and live in the vain hope I may grow hair all over and become lovable, so that the option of working for the Wombles comes to fruition.
May 12, 2006
May 09, 2006
In recent years Ive had alcohol problems, drug problems and more importantly aggression problems. Controlling someone who is as passionate as I can be is a difficult step. But the feeling Id tamed the beast is starting to slip away. Ive been dealing with troubles by phasing them out slowly, not being quick to react. But I feel like a coiled spring, like tension is building and sometime soon Im gonna fly off. Pressure is being placed on me from several sides and sources, and yet Ive absorbed it. Witnessing people talking about others behind there backs has been synonymous with the Warwick experience. But ive always had a gift for seeing the same thing directed at me. How far do you take it? OK theres like 2 months left of Uni and antagonising isnt cool so close to exams, but if I blow up who will be there to stop me? Ive met several people at Uni that seem to think Im a push over. But others have realised in the truest sense that when I get pushed onto the ledge I'll stop the decline until I reach the edge. But once that edge comes gapping into view, game over. My main reason for drinking less is well known, but there is the aspect that my self restraint could be in jeopardy if I do get wasted. I reach out for alternatives…. none come forth, Im off drugs… not that they helped, Ive been tempted to go for a high speed drive just to be silly, the urge to motion a pen into my head is so tempting when the tedium of revision is in flight. I cant say Im deeply unhappy cos Im not, I just need that tension to up and leave and without causing difficulties, or tears, again. The irony of the song now playing on the auld ipod, "Hello darkness my old friend…. silence like a cancer grows…."
The end of it all ebbs ever closer, but the goal is not to rise to it, but something needs to give …. any tips on staying cool?
May 06, 2006
May 02, 2006
Go to your music player, set it to shuffle/random, and answer the
following questions with the title of the FIRST song that you skip
to each time. No cheating!
If you reached the top of Mount Everest, you would scream:
Sweet Home Chicago
The next time you stand up in front of a group of people, you'll say:
Your favorite thing to say when drunk is:
Your message to the world:
Your deepest secret:
Sympathy for the Devil
Your innermost desire:
Siente Mi Amor
Your oldest memory makes you think:
Heaven Beside You
Somewhere in your wedding vows, you'll include:
Fall to Pieces
On your deathbed, you'll whisper:
Happy Break Up Song
Your friends say behind your back:
Her Ghost in the Fog
You say behind your friends' back:
Your opinion of MySpace:
Flower of Carnage
When you wake up in the morning, you mutter:
5000 ways to Die
If you found yourself lost on a desert island, you'd yell:
About a Girl
Right now, your feelings are:
Half the Man I Used to be
What's your excuse for reposting this bulletin?:
Your life's soundtrack:
I Aint no Nice Guy (after all)