All entries for April 2006
April 29, 2006
Just curious on opinions, its now past midnight, so does that count as tomorrow yet? or do u have to sleep first? I promised myself that fri was going to be a good day… in general it was. But also said I wouldnt let things get me down, so Im desperate for it to hit sat in the technical its tomorrow sense so I can ease my put on relief and joy. Ive too much on my mind to actually be happy anymore. The fact nobody around seems to be bothered bout much further than themselves, ok on a few occassions I may have broken this – but I tend to pride myself on being reliable, helpful, generous and respectful to those around me…. archaic values or what? why is it that so many people, especially uni students seem so caught in their own self worth that nobody else matters?
One thing that came randomly into my mind when I was being kept awake last night, was where exactly is it that people want you to go? you try to be open and friendly, and get kicked back…. get a bit sullen and withdrawn it gets worse… you cant win. On the aspect of reviewing decisions, I looked back on different ways I treated people in the past. Certain things changed as I learnt from experience, but it came back to the same motive… wrong people wrong time. I paraphase thusly, Certain people want all the attention, others want none, there seems to be no middling ground, cos whatever you seem to call middle ground is regarded as too much or too little for some people. If i do something too much, Im caned for being OTT but if not Im caned for not being outward/attentive enough. Maybe I just dont recognise anything but the polar. One thing Ive learnt of late is that no matter how hard you try to run away from it, cater for other peoples wants, change fundamentally who you are, you cant escape who you are deep inside, or what your past held. Staying true to yourself is the key, no matter how others try to break you, or how hard they push to get a rise outta you, you win if you stay in tact.
"Give me the strength to wonder, to wonder if Im free, give me the strength to wonder, to wonder what I can be…. give me the strength to hold my head up, n spit back in their face."
April 22, 2006
I believe for a general studies resit I wrote an essay on what would be my ideal home, which went on a tangent to explain that what they expected would be I want a mansion in the California sun strip, but a home is much more than bricks and mortar… in fact that is just the house. And yes there is a difference. I count a home as a place that you are wanted, where you feel accepted and where you dont prefer to hide away in order not to annoy the hell outta someone. So on that score, I think maybe there are few times during uni that Ive felt at home.
Maybe some people would point out the fact that it doesnt help alienating oneself in that position. Or maybe due to visiting parents in the holidays, Im home sick…. I doubt it, Ive not lived at home now for 4 yrs, and although a nice change I dont feel truly in my place, though I do enjoy staying, its more a holiday.
Ive never been one to invade other peoples privacy and if that gets to the levels that I feel that Im really not wanted around certain bodies, I will make myself scarce. Its one of my many talents that I can pick up vibes and respect the fact that my presence isnt on the agenda. So I walk off…. creating depression? No far from it. It makes me even more certain that I have a better view of things than some I dont care to mention, and that me having problems with people are usually completely open, if they originate from something I dont like. I could be confrontational. I could be angry, but to be honest Im just not that way inclined anymore. People can get on with their own things, if they dont get in my way. I say whatever, Im the happiest Ive been in I dont know how many years, Im guessing since the 16th July 1998, random date I know but reasons. And believe me, no1 is gonna change that.
April 20, 2006
April 15, 2006
There maybe a big philosophical debate about the best ways to live, religious views taken into account the soundest advice I have ever heard, which can be understood by everyman, and not necessarily dependant on the actual success or goodness behind your own personal life,
"A man who wants nothing …. is invincible."
I see this as so true to life it really is scary, Ive found nothing more real, it fits with the principle that "you have nothing to lose" in that if you have nothing or require nothing, what more can you need. Call me a communist, but I truly am starting to believe that the small things in life, like family, are what forms true happiness, and therefore, I can say with all honesty that I am happy, I require nothing, therefore feel invincible.
"What do you want from life?"
disclaimer : ok the film buffs out there will recognise these points, but for me they are inherent perfection to the critical moment of life such as it is at present.
April 12, 2006
After using blogs as pretty much as a public diary, thought I'd have a bit of a rant and add some controversy. For the feminists among you, and people who thought this is a film review, turn off now….
As once stated by Billy Joe Armstrong and Mike Dirnt, "Nice guys finish last" and this IS true. Ive seen friends who are the nicest guys on earth being single for years, while all those who maybe I shouldnt call friends that are heavily into the sins of life flit between girls like they are reading a book, page after page turns. I think there is a reason for this, the bad boy image is so much more attractive to women. There are those who Ive seen go against this, but in the main, its fairly set. I mention know names, but there are friends who have the worst possible person hygene, who can actually make you want to throw up just being in their smell zone, who somehow manage to hide the fact from the fairer sex. Or those who are blattent polygamists (probably spelt wrong) but every1 is interested cos they have so much confidence in themselves. I dont claim to be a nice guy, though Im not as vendictive and manipulating as some Ive met. Even some women are manipulating, Ive lost friends by speaking out about this but I dont see that there is much good to be obtained from this. Experience makes you wise, and one thing that is blattant is that if its a straight choice between the nice guy, and the not so nice, its always the latter. Maybe its cos Im a traditionalist, I dont see the merits of the bed-hopping student type. Not that its confined to students, but seems to be prevalent in some circles. Im led to believe that at a certain age, women change their minds on what they want, ok so Ive had this pain bugging me to meet her, but really Im not interested cos she fits the bed-hopping variety. When in scotland there was a great looking girl who was hanging round a bit, but she was heavily into drugs, and thats when I lost interest. Maybe its a gender thing, or a preference thing, but why is it that bad girls or guys do it for some ppl, while everyone else is left hanging. I think its a confidence thing, when I was back in that scene I had no fears, no worries, just a relaxed air, but now its like I have so much more to consider. Maybe its from growing up too. I can honestly say that I know exactly what I want in woman, but I have a feeling that women are never 100% sure, just watch jeremy kyle to see how uncertain women are, or so devoted to the bad boy that they are willing to cry their eyes out after a beating, and even expect it. Its not worth being a bad boy and beating ppl up just to get women, that would be a catastrophe and in some ways, being a nice guy turns to catastrophe… Your damned if you do, damned if you dont. What women want? Damned if I know, maybe some are damned if they know themselves?
April 08, 2006
I could make a random statement of what most may consider a nightmare, like i had to be up at 8 am!!!! or I had to drive for 8 hrs solid to get back!!! But no, its more far reaching if the welcome to your nightmare refers to the fact that yes indeedy…. I AM BACK!!!
Be afraid, yes be very very afraid, not only am I back, but Im full of lifes great expectations again, think staying in leam since sept killed me… not been separated from student life and was starting to mope.But Im bouncy, and ready to take the world on again…. so step back and think, if uve been in the presence of one of my ear bashings, do u wanna hear it again? NO? well leave me be then, cos some home truths are aching to be released, and Ill be damned if I actually give a flying (two hoots)....
Anyway, was great seeing my folks again, its been too long, and even better not seeing my drug addicted 17 y/o slapper neighbour… thats y good neighbours become good friends … cos they stay outta ur way!!!
got to see my old boss, and visit probably the best whiskey shop in the whole of scotland, cos i used to work there :p
Happy happy happy, bounce bounce bounce….. cus cus cus …. ahh the joys of being back and able to smoke, and swear, and drink outrageously … not that Ive started yet, but the night is still young!!!