All entries for March 2006

March 27, 2006

Im on my way, Im on my way … home sweet home.

I had three essays to write in the hols, my plan to do 2 or more before goin home. I leave in 2 days, and Ive got …. None done. Maybe cos Ive been ill the whole time. I have all the ideas, and the plans, but not the desire to get down and write the damn things. The weekend was too chaotic, what with me having to babysit a couple of guys on sat night, just because the drink seemed to have affected their decision making powers. Im a scum bag, but really … my engaged mate was all over this 40 yr old in Rios. Ok his missus has been messing him round and not being exactly all loved up but to start dancing that close to someone who could be his mum, and shines with fake tan, it just isnt right. But that wasnt even his worst moment, one of the guys we were out with is gay, and my engaged mate decides to try and hook him up…. with the tan-go woman's mate!!! A woman of equal age. Fair play trying to set him up, but with a woman? I think his intensions were good, but his choice was a bit skewed. It was a good laugh even driving Tom home was quite funny, he couldnt make a sentance that didnt end in the same song…. something bout him being outta his mind? I dunno what it was but every1 else seemed to know it. Ahhh the joys of alcohol, glad Im taking it easy now, drinking a little but often, rather than a lot at the same time.

I cant wait to hit the glens again, scotland maybe dreak this time of year but its lovely to have space and time to yourself, along with the ability to just relax and take stuff in, may even drive to Wick to keep my isolation feelings high. Though feeling alone, I feel happy. I have to visit a few elderly relatives and stuff on the way up, and no doubt Ill visit my sister's grave as normal. A ritual thing which somehow puts it all into prospective. I have a strange spirituality feeling when Im home, like everythin somehow is complete, I never was close to my family, and Ive never really been close to anyone since coming to uni, but now it seems justified, after all we have ten weeks of term left and then every1 goes there separate way. Some will keep in touch, others not so much. But its then when you learn who your friends really were, those who try to make contact, no matter how infrequent, just to see how you are.

"My heart is like an open book, for the whole world to read, sometimes nothing keeps me together at the seems, Im on my way, Im on my way …. home sweet home…" Motley Cru, home sweet home.

March 25, 2006

Snake Eyes – The house wins….

When things go bad, you can always turn round and say your on a poor run of luck, passing off important decisions that didnt pay off for you. I'd say you make your own luck by what you do. I shared a cigarette a few weeks ago with a guy at work whose folks had one 3.3 million on the lotto. His part of it gained him 1.5 million. Needless to say he is no longer in the country, let alone at Asda. But my point is this. When things are going badly, you only need one spark to set you going again. A small win, will give you that confidence, and lead to bigger wins, ok so maybe you hit the wall but there is always an element of justification – the it cant last forever view.

In successive weeks Ive won £15 on ladbrokes, for £2 worth of bets. Ive paid for nights out by taking a trip to the gamblers before I leave. Ive had a girl seemingly head over heels bout me, had a large win on a poker website and Ive got an air of luck spinning round me. All seems to be boding quite well, normally Im expecting a fall, but at this point in time, Im seeing that continued confidence is taking over and Im seeing a lot more in myself to be happy bout. My head is no longer over run by "what ifs" but "what nows" and though I feel that I cant win forever, there is an element of everyone being a winner if they make themselves that way.

"All bets win… Maximum payout"

March 23, 2006

Nothings as simple as it seems

I have a tendency to make things into a bigger deal, to see things as they are and then add some more to them. Which is a killer problem. Im reading a biography of a suicidal loner at a time when really that attitude doesnt help. Maybe because Ive been there, maybe because to an extent I feel that way again. My interest has gone with many things, I feel ultimately stabbed in the back and used. If you feel isolation, it doesnt make you want to get up and take part, Ive never been one to force my way into things and if others dont want my company… their choice. Its been a key factor in my life of late, maybe the fact Ive not seen my folks since sept, or maybe the fact that out of choice I chose not to leave town at christmas, my dad being extremely nervous of me driving anywhere especially in snow or ice, his heart couldnt take the risk of me moving. For his piece of mind I remained, though feeling alone and neglected I pulled through.

Do I ask for an easy life? No, it dont come easy. Ive been wishing I followed my heart and did something about certain events, but I have to consider all involved. Primarily the only reason Im at uni is for my parents, Id have never come given the choice. But my dad once said to me, he's pleased he lived long enough for me to finish my gcse's and he's seen that he hasnt left me in a state. I feel I have to prove things to him and consider him more than anyone. The slightest worry causes anxieties and its not good for him. But it does mean I have to avoid mentioning things that will get him stressed and having a level of respect nobody seems to understand. But anyway, Im going to appear at home without notice in a couple of weeks, just so I can spare him the thoughts of how Im getting on driving there. A nine hour trip, though I may visit my aunts who are not that well either, the portion of family ties that seem to be slowly severing is obscene. Im not happy in myself, but it stems from the fact Ive seen so many good people taken, and yet I am the epitome of all that is wrong with the world and I feel nothing. Those who say that god is a sure thing, I cant believe it, too many people suffer while bastards like myself are not punished. Urgh…. I feel kinda relieved in writing, but there is a sense of worry and guilt that Im ruining everything around me. Im like a cancer that is spreading, and nobody is safe. If I keep far from everyone I may well be able to avoid my toxic nature from overwhelming those who matter. Who knows I may make a difference by being alone?

March 20, 2006

Come on, am I wrong….

Maybe its the fact that Im a former drug taker, and that the whole process off the worst people are those who have done it and quit for critisism. But really, does invading someones house one week and just sitting antisocially smoking pot one week and the next deciding to have a joint under a security camera in the bowling alley sound like normal behaviour? Maybe Im being over sensitive, maybe its cos I left campus due to the same process? But come on, is that really the way normal humans act? Im clean … have been nearly a year. But the fact is the presence of dope now just gets me wound up to high heaven … even when an ex decided to smoke her first spliff whilst ratted and in front of me, there was still an air of caution, I wasnt happy, but knowing she wasnt the type to make a big thing outta that one … I stood back.

The fact they went on last night to ruin our bowling by claiming they had paid the extra for the last game and got us cut off, maybe has somethin to do with my bitterness, or the fact a good friend decided to start having a go when my mind was elsewhere. On the plus side I did average 97, which for me is quite good, I think … due to the fact Ive been twice in like 10 yrs both in the past week.

However, Im moderately happy, going to see Paddy Mcguiness at the spa centre today (of max and paddy fame), maybe getting drunk again, though with my cold still ensuing its a bit of a dubious thing, due to the fact that paracetamol and drink dont mix to well as I was reminded of this morning… even if it has been a few years since I purposefully mixed the two. Anyway heres hoping things are over soon.
Rant over, soapbox disposed of….

March 12, 2006

Im not at the house party

We have a house party at ours, and i'm not really feeling it at all, there is copius amounts of booze, and also ppl i know, but still the whole drinkin to excess and smoking illegal substances is not appealling, way too many children, the idea of smoking weed again just doesnt get me goin, even if i have it wafting thro from the landing…. though why they are all outside my room escapes me, not sure I wanna be part of that at all. Ok Ive drunk a bit to be sociable, but nothin that would class as extreme and to be honest I dont feel I fit in to the whole gettin off my face thing anymore. I hate all this reliance on alcohol to have fun, its not right. And the fact that drugs are now involved is just a sham. Ive been clean for 8 months and thats the way I intend to keep it, I dont want to be part of the student lifestyle anymore, its all a farse, so what if Ive had my only one night stand at uni, or increased my drug abuse, thats not me any more, and thats the way it will stay, Im gonna be painfully honest with ppl from now on… screw the effects and the feelings, to be honest, I just dont care. So many warwick students think theyre gods gift and its time that a simple minded, totally frank northern idiot tells all he thinks, and makes a point, I hate being here now and there is nothin to change it. If Im honest I will tell the world where to go and leave them in their place, Ive had enough. There is no more, and the whole of warwick can get stuffed for all I care, no one is as honest as they seem, and no body has feelings for anyone else, my trouble is I think about what people think too much, well no more, Warwick can go to hell.

March 08, 2006

Wouldnt make a good vulcan….

Your IQ Is 110

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average

Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius

Your Mathematical Intelligence is Above Average

Your General Knowledge is Exceptional

March 07, 2006

No definitely dont believe them….

You're an Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity
You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off
And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave
When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

Am I really? ;p

You Are a Coy Flirt

You may not seem like you're flirting, but you know exactly what you're doing.
You draw people in, very calculatingly, without them even knowing.
Subtle and understated, you know how to best leverage your sex appeal.
A sexy enigma, you easily become an object of obsession.

nevermind the buzzcocks

As the buzzcocks song once went, ever fall in love with someone you shouldnt have, i think all of us can answer that one in the affirmative, but its all to do with how we deal with it. We all put ourselves in stupid situations and its how we get out of them that counts. I feel myself in a very stupid situation, but I fear that there is no way out. Maybe since my dissertating… yes it is a real word, it comes up on my phones predictive text…. has been finished Ive had too much time to think things over, but atleast now I can concentrate on the most important things to me, though I know there will be no reprisal and things are most likely to stay were they are. Ah well, as they say, such is life.

March 06, 2006

Peaceful Easy Feeling

Forget the feeling describe in the Title, this aint it…. Im all over the shop. Maybe its lack of sleep, had an outburst of insomnia last night and started work at 10, though I got up at 8, so now been awake for over 16 hours. after 5 hours sleep that aint too bad. Im in turmoil, finished writing my dissertation after a painstaking four hours of writing eight hundred words, yet I feel like Ive lost a limb. My life has revolved round that so much that nothing else has come into my head, now the floodgates have opened. It says somewhere in Dante that "There is no greater sorrow than to think backwards to a happy time, when one is miserable…" Inferno V : 121–4
I take this, that its dangerous to think of a happy past when your not happy, as it can create a longing for the past. Im in the position of Dante and Francesca, longing for what might have been and I feel such sweet sorrow. Atleast with 10000 words to write I had somethin to take my mind away, other than drink, and now I dont want to drink… what am I left with, but pain and suffering.
Ill sleep on it, hopefully feel better after Ive woken up again. Thats if in fact my weird dreams dont eat my mind alive….

March 2006

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