All entries for Saturday 29 April 2006
April 29, 2006
Just curious on opinions, its now past midnight, so does that count as tomorrow yet? or do u have to sleep first? I promised myself that fri was going to be a good day… in general it was. But also said I wouldnt let things get me down, so Im desperate for it to hit sat in the technical its tomorrow sense so I can ease my put on relief and joy. Ive too much on my mind to actually be happy anymore. The fact nobody around seems to be bothered bout much further than themselves, ok on a few occassions I may have broken this – but I tend to pride myself on being reliable, helpful, generous and respectful to those around me…. archaic values or what? why is it that so many people, especially uni students seem so caught in their own self worth that nobody else matters?
One thing that came randomly into my mind when I was being kept awake last night, was where exactly is it that people want you to go? you try to be open and friendly, and get kicked back…. get a bit sullen and withdrawn it gets worse… you cant win. On the aspect of reviewing decisions, I looked back on different ways I treated people in the past. Certain things changed as I learnt from experience, but it came back to the same motive… wrong people wrong time. I paraphase thusly, Certain people want all the attention, others want none, there seems to be no middling ground, cos whatever you seem to call middle ground is regarded as too much or too little for some people. If i do something too much, Im caned for being OTT but if not Im caned for not being outward/attentive enough. Maybe I just dont recognise anything but the polar. One thing Ive learnt of late is that no matter how hard you try to run away from it, cater for other peoples wants, change fundamentally who you are, you cant escape who you are deep inside, or what your past held. Staying true to yourself is the key, no matter how others try to break you, or how hard they push to get a rise outta you, you win if you stay in tact.
"Give me the strength to wonder, to wonder if Im free, give me the strength to wonder, to wonder what I can be…. give me the strength to hold my head up, n spit back in their face."