All entries for Tuesday 09 May 2006
May 09, 2006
In recent years Ive had alcohol problems, drug problems and more importantly aggression problems. Controlling someone who is as passionate as I can be is a difficult step. But the feeling Id tamed the beast is starting to slip away. Ive been dealing with troubles by phasing them out slowly, not being quick to react. But I feel like a coiled spring, like tension is building and sometime soon Im gonna fly off. Pressure is being placed on me from several sides and sources, and yet Ive absorbed it. Witnessing people talking about others behind there backs has been synonymous with the Warwick experience. But ive always had a gift for seeing the same thing directed at me. How far do you take it? OK theres like 2 months left of Uni and antagonising isnt cool so close to exams, but if I blow up who will be there to stop me? Ive met several people at Uni that seem to think Im a push over. But others have realised in the truest sense that when I get pushed onto the ledge I'll stop the decline until I reach the edge. But once that edge comes gapping into view, game over. My main reason for drinking less is well known, but there is the aspect that my self restraint could be in jeopardy if I do get wasted. I reach out for alternatives…. none come forth, Im off drugs… not that they helped, Ive been tempted to go for a high speed drive just to be silly, the urge to motion a pen into my head is so tempting when the tedium of revision is in flight. I cant say Im deeply unhappy cos Im not, I just need that tension to up and leave and without causing difficulties, or tears, again. The irony of the song now playing on the auld ipod, "Hello darkness my old friend…. silence like a cancer grows…."
The end of it all ebbs ever closer, but the goal is not to rise to it, but something needs to give …. any tips on staying cool?