April 30, 2009

Hungry eyes! …that is, wicked conceptions on how can I win a country for me

by Weronika Lipinska

I am personally bored with being subordinated to any type of state which is governed by someone other than me. Each state wants me to pay taxes and obey some rules I disagree with. Personally unacceptable. Hypothetically I could move country, but why? This is my land. And I want my country on it. Let’s do it.

The easiest way would be to gather a group of followers who are willing to blindly conform to my rules and publicly declare that they are socially oppressed by the current regime, regardless of whether it is a monarchy, democracy or republic. The Putsch. The Appraisal. We would be fighting for a better future, a common aim! The current system corrupts our values and beliefs and therefore the society needs ME. MY order will be better. I need only to awake my charisma and Goebbelsian style of convincing, to seduce like Mata Hari those capable of grabbing for pitchforks! Slogans like ‘equality’ are warmly welcome.

But what if I do not get on well with muddy pitchfork-fighters or am afraid/not contented/unprepared to experience quick, outrage-based death which will be crowned with my head being kicked like a football when the crowd which loved me so much will find out that their happiness is not a primary concern of mine when it comes to ruling the country? I may choose to overtake the heart of a fairly emotionally handicapped (how else would he or she not be able to discern my real intentions?!) monarch. From here there is a short way to being a queen or king and don’t tell me that nowadays it has no genuine importance in actual governing of a country. Who is the head of armed forces? Say who! (And what can I do with the armed forces? Hypothetically, of course.)

If I fancy neither Prince Harry, nor William, nor Philip Koburg, nor Wilhelm Alexander or Swedish Victoria (I am very picky), then perhaps I am in a privileged position of deriving from an ethnic minority which wants a partition from an already existing country or my home region demands separation for any more or less rational reason. The answer is yes? Brilliant! Just ignite a spark of preferably international conflict and seize the power at the right time. I, obviously, am the devoted and patriotic citizen who simply cannot accept those bastards tormenting my land and will show them that we are able to govern it on our own without external exploitation. This option is like ‘The Putsch’ but better if I want to have my country on the land which is administratively governed by democracy. Why? Have *you ever heard of an instance of overthrowing democratic rule? Me neither.

But the problem: people don’t like Star Wars in real life. The bloody introduction of a brand new regime will be treated (hard done!) by peace-keepers in sky blue berets like I deal with the tin which refuses to open itself. High time to establish a new religion and institute myself a head/oracle of that business. If I have an extraordinary gift like healing ringworm by clapping hands near the infection, it is the right moment to uncover it. A quick look into the history of Vatican and I see it takes only about four centuries to be given land to build the capital headquarters of my religion. Most probably it wouldn’t cover more than 50km2 and attract the right-minded people. However, what a spiritual atmosphere!

If all of the above fails because of my lack of ability to lead, seduce, spread rebellion, or invent, there is one thing which never fails. Money. No more than 750 million euro will make me the ‘king’ of the Principality of Sealand. Hmm… I will take my chance… not to buy.

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