All 11 entries tagged Dans Guides

Some reasons why I'm an awesome geek

I thought it was time to own up to my completely awesome geeky side, to anyone out there who I've managed to convince that I am in fact entirely smooth and super cool. I thought you all might want to benefit from my years of experience and become more like me, so I compiled a few points that came into my head:

Dan's Guide To Geeking It Up Style

This guide shalt take the form of a list of key geek elements that I've found have boosted my XP in the Geek class (multiclassed with awesome at level 12 – using the 3rd Edition ruleset). So without further malarkey here is the good shit:

1) Owning a book like this –

—-

—-

This is a book that has caused much mockery because it features computer generated images of perfectly proportioned naked women. A book like this plays perfectly into the geek stereotype of lonely, desperate youth who has so little luck with the ladies he has to resort to making images of them on his computer and pretend that they are his girlfriend; and that her name is Samantha. That she hangs off my every word, really respects my C++ skills and agrees with me that real men use Lightwave. Yes, a book like this will do your geek rating no end of good. Other worthy books are a whole shelf of Fantasy fiction novels (swords and sorcery), many many books about coding and computer games and a selection of graphic novels detailing the adventures of Spiderman. I'm sure you can think of more.

2) An obsessive dedication to a television series –

—-

—-

This is a picture of Angel; a character in the Buffy spin-off of the same name. This is a show which I watched every episode of as soon as was humanly possible (thank ye american episode uploaders), read fan forums about upcoming plot theories, monitored websites for future episode rumours and generally obsessively followed, talked about and thought about it, for its entire duration. Being an almost equally dedicated follower of its mother series Buffy the Vampire Slayer I was able to follow crossover plots and came to the show with a weighty knowledge of character's back histories. I theorised along with many other's on the multiple meanings of the dream episodes and sang along with glee to the Buffy musical. I just managed to stop myself from tipping over the edge and buying Buffyverse novels and other such merchandise but went far enough in that I knew the names of many of the producers and script writers. Yep, an obsessive dedication to a TV show or even film series (Evil Dead comes to mind) will definitely boost your geek rating.

3) Study Philosophy with Computer Science –

Now some folk might like to think that simply studying computer science would be enough, and indeed it will boost your rating, but I'd like to posit that the aforementioned degree is even more geeky. It has been my experience in my many years of internet usage and hanging around geek power centres, that your average geek likes to believe himself smart and thus able to have an opinon on all matters; and there are no matters your average geek likes to have an opinion on more (with the possible exception of 'who would win in a fight between x & y' debates) than life's big questions. Studying this degree also gives me another excellent reason to mark myself out as different, not fitting in and a loner; classic geek.

4) Knowing the geography of a fictional place better than your own country –

—-

—-

That's a map of the Flanaess a place I expect most of you haven't heard of, but a place I've spent a long time travelling in my minds eye through reading hundreds and hundreds of fictional stories. Meanwhile, in England I don't even know the name of the counties neighbouring my own. Significant geek points gained for knowing the geography of fictional places.

5) Be President of the Video Game Design Society –

Its kinda like the top job for my kind of geek strata at this stage in my life. Making games for computers is actually getting a lot less geeky these days, cool people and girls are starting to take an interest so this may be less important in future years.

6) Spend more than four hours a day doing blog related activities –

It seems to have become the crowning glory in my geek empire tying together all my other geek activities in one place of free expression. Being a 'power blogger' involves a level of self obsession, technical skill and dedication that only a true geek could muster. Consider yourself geek boosted if you blog after 12pm without having just come in from a night out.

7) GI Joe, Sexy Losers, Your mum jokes, All your base, Milkman, Salad fingers, goatse, tub girl, the onion, Penny Arcade, Megatokyo, The Framley Examiner, Something Awful, Weebl and Bob etc –

Anything quotable, funny, weird, disturbing or just plain insane to be found in the minds of geeks and thus often all over the internet. If you know what some of these things are then you may be a geek, if you are thinking of the many, many things I didn't include then you are most definitely a geek.

—-

I hope these tips can lead you towards ever greater geekery, a hallowed place where I shall await you.

: 16 Mar 2005 01:39 |  Tags: Dans Guides |  Comments (27) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Dan's Guide to Gravel

Last night, as I relaxed in my red, silken pyjamas, a thought caught hold of me. Could it be, that out there, there are a few unlucky souls who do not know the wonderful delights of gravel ? As I tried to get to sleep, not even the lure of the seven seas could shake the thought from my mind. I could not rest until the world is made aware of the true magnificence that lies in one of mankinds most sublime creations.

Gravel.

This guide is my gift to you, may you learn it by heart and recite it at bedtime.

Dan's Guide to Gravel

The first thing that any awesome person should do upon waking up is check their doormat for the comforting presence of the weekly gravel lovers bible:

While this guide will serve as a solid grounding in the field of gravel, its impossible to walk the true path of gravel without a lifetime subscription to this excellent magazine.

Some basic gravel facts:

• Gravel adds an interesting texture to any sandwich.


• The more gravel there is in the world, the less large rocks there will be. This saves lives.


• Gravel saves time and money in the long run. When used in place of sand. On a beach.


• Gravel can be mounded up into primative mountains. These can then be used in place of real mountains, if the real mountains need a rest.


• X/t * Fg(n) || !fun == Gravel.


• Gravel consists of: 95% stones, 3% sand and dust, 1% glass and 1% dog.

The phropecy of gravel

An extract from the dark book of Nostrodanmus.

"... then ye shalt descend from the beyond the beneath under the last mystery of great depth. There ye shalt renounce all the old ties and embrace a new world order of gravel. And the gravel shalt be strong within thee and thou shalt lead the people through the rivers of gravel alternatives and pretenders; to the promised land. There you wilt find the promised gravel drive upon which to park your BMW. And lo, one gravel will rule them all…"

Why gravel will change your life!

• 50% extra free! Buy today! NOW! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR YOU LAZY SLOB. GET OUT OF YOUR CHAIR!!! BUY!!! BUY!!!!! BUY!!!!!!!!!!


• Buy today, pay next year! UNBEATABLE OFFERS!


• YOU WANT GRAVEL? WE GOT GRAVEL! WE GOT ALL KINDS! LOADS OF GRAVEL!! GRAVEL, GRAVEL, GRAVEL!


• Two sacks of Creek Rock for the price of one! I've got mine. Have you?


• If you're thinking gravel then you're thinking "Bob's Gravel Warehouse". The No 1. stop for gravel and gravel derivatives. Like smaller bits of gravel, or refreshing ground gravel juice!

—-

Today's entry was kindly sponsored by "Bob's Gravel Warehouse".

: 22 Jan 2005 16:57 |  Tags: Dans Guides |  Comments (10) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Dan's guide to Being Funny

As I opened another batch of my fan mail this morning, I realised how easy it would be to get one of my fans to answer it (thanks Mat) and instead spend my time educating the world to greatness. I've seen a lot of suffering in the world in the short time I've been on this earth, and now I think its time to give something back. I know that a lot of people have been having trouble with being funny lately, the cries have come from all quarters of society, giving the illusion that it is an insurmountable human problem.

Not so my friends.

There is a foolproof schema to the fine art of being funny, and all the great comedians from Hitler to the Pope have followed it to the letter. For years this guide was kept well hidden from the uninitiated and passed from humorist to humorist, some secrets from the text did slip into common currency but anyone found to have leaked them was put to death. And so it remained until last night when I bought the last copy of this ancient manuscript from a dark coated old fellow at the Cork and Slipper. Apparently after watching one too many French and Saunders Christmas specials the last great comedian killed himself, and this was found among his possesions. After hastily crossing out the title and replacing it with my own I can now bring it to you, the text has been revised steadily throughout the ages and also represents an interesting history of comedy. Digest:

Dan's Guide to Being Funny

To grasp the essential nature of funny one requires special gloves. These gloves are not bought but woven; think about it. Most of all however you need some good jokes. Here is a short list of guaranteed jokes for use in an emergency:

• A: My dog's got no nose. B: How does he smell? A: He doesn't he's got no nose, he can stick out his tongue though and thats almost like smelling. At least for dogs it is. (at this point subtly drop your trousers).


• An englishman, a scostman and an irishman walk into a bar. The english man says 'ouch, old chap', the scotsman says 'och aye ouch, wee laddy' and the irishman says 'Three pints of guiness please'.


• Why did the chicken cross the road? Is a subtle metaphor for the futility of our endless search for truth. Indeed it seems to say; 'How can one know anything?' Are we not just pointless bags of flesh who's existence is ultimately fruitless and tedious? Does not the powerful symbol of the chicken symbolise man's essential cowardice in the face of everything. No doubt he is crossing the road to try and escape, and yet as we know there is no escape. Not even in death. The stupid penis.


• Sam Boulby.

But its not all about the jokes, any fool can deliver some killer material, the secret is to deliver it with style, panache, vim, pomme de terre, va va voom, zig ah zig ah, vorsprung durch technik and most of all; with your mouth. Here are a few tips to aid in your delivery:

• Check you are delivering a joke and not a baby. This has caused much embarrasment and confusion in the past. If in doubt look at the colour of coat you are wearing, if its black you are almost certainly a comedian.


• Never forget your punch line. After the show people will generally line up to meet you; don't disappoint them.


• Keep things fresh and currant. Especially your delicious buns. Have you been working out?


• The deadpan delivery is the best there is. Killing a pan can be difficult but its worth it for the pay off.


• Know your audience. That way if they don't like your jokes, at least you can firebomb their house.


• K.I.S.S. Knives In Several Spleens. Don't forget this one.

…

There's more of course but I think that's enough for you today. Stay funky until the clock strikes awesome and I see you again.

: 28 Dec 2004 19:18 |  Tags: Dans Guides |  Comments (10) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Dan's guide to meeting old friends

'Tis the season to be jolly, so we are told. However as every student knows; 'tis also the season to be reunited with your old school friends from back home. Often this process can be fraught with sadness and disappointments, as we take time to compare our own meagre experiences to the exciting and incredible things our old friends seem to have seen and done.

No more.

I have been in your situation my friends and I bring glad tidings, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that light is me. Presenting:

Dan's guide to meeting old friends

No doubt while you were at uni, despite the blood oaths you swore at the time, you will have completely lost touch with all your school friends and only just barely remember their insulting nicknames. Use this to your advantage, if you don't know anything about what they've been doing then, chances are, they won't know what you've been doing either. Unless they know that you know what they know that you don't know that they know what you know about why they know about when they knew who they knew. I'm sure that won't come up. So lie.

• One of the first questions you'll be asked upon meeting up with your old friends is: "So, what have you been up to?" Its important at this point to exaggerate. If you've not left your room this term reply thusly "I broke my party bones from partying so hard, the doctor of love said to take some time off so I had a beer to celebrate. Wahey! I'm crazy up for it. Aiiiight", multiply any numbers in your answers by at least six: "She had the most amazing dozen of breasts you've ever seen!" and if in doubt superlatives "I had the biggest pint of beer there's ever been!"


• Remember since you've been to university you are now immune to fire. Use this power responsibly.


• It is vital that you appear to be an interesting person. Wear a saucepan on your head, insist it is the latest fashion at university. If you're in a pub ask the barman for a "Catepillar Sunrise", claim it contains live catepillars. Have a hat.


• Don't lose your funny. Keep it in your sock. Stroke it occasionally.


• Since you've been at univesity everyone expects you to be incredibly clever and full of deep thoughts. Do not shatter their illusions. Ask questions like "But what is the hidden transient meaning of kebab?" and "Can we ever understand truly understand the limits of man's ability to dance?"


• Sex.

Enjoy meeting your friends. Don't forget you won't see them again for another ten weeks by which time they'll have forgotten everything you said and did. Probably.

: 23 Dec 2004 18:06 |  Tags: Dans Guides |  Comments (1) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Dan's guide to having dinner with a tiger

As I was enjoying a delicious dinner the other day with my good friend Herman, sipping on a fine Merlot and discussing the issues of the day, it came to me that many people will never get to enjoy such a wonderful evening.

Tigers make excellent dinner companions, always ready with a quick witticism or a nugget of timeless wisdom, their outstanding awareness of all issues political and philosophical means they are never short of an opinion. Yet, like many such special creatures on this wonderful planet; tigers have another side. They are extremely sensitive to social faux pas, make the wrong move in the presence of a tiger and you are dead meat, socially speaking. A tiger will ignore you for weeks after the slightest miss-step, and their respect is not easily won back.

All however is not lost, as an experienced diner with our stripey feline bretheren I can offer you invaluable pearls of awesome sense that will keep you in any tiger's good books. Please sit up and listen carefully, I will say this only once.

Dan's guide to having dinner with a tiger

The first and most important thing to remember is your pre dinner preparations. Tigers will appreciate the finest restaurants (make sure there are plenty of vegetarian options available) and a substandard eatery just will not do. A tiger will not even turn up for the likes of Mc Donalds or Jamie Oliver. This is not the only important consideration however, you must also ensure that your own appearance is in a suitable condition to be seen out with such a magnificent fellow. Tigers like hats, especially top hats.

Assuming you have managed to get the restaurant right and styled yourself appropriately; for awesomes sake remember to turn up on time! There is nothing a tiger hates more than a lack of punctuality.

So you've managed to avoid messing everything up so far, you've sat down at the table with you new tiger friend and the time has come to order. Most tigers will ask you to order for them pretending that they can't pick up the small menu with their oversized paws. This is in fact a clever ruse, the tiger is testing you. Based on the meal you select for yourself and the tiger he will form an almost total picture of your character:

• Red meat for the tiger, salad for you – The tiger will interpret this as a sign that you are unimaginative, puny and worthy of dining only with rats. Usually he will leave immediately through the window in a single bound.


• A fish meal for the tiger, the same for you – This selection will make the tiger respect you on the surface but under his placid exterior he will secretly loathe you for your black hearted soul. You will never become closer than business partners.


• Crab for the tiger, lobster for you – An almost perfect choice, the tiger will relax immediately and begin discussing the merits of the euro. You have shown him your true understanding in the finer points of food ettiquete.

We are nearly there, you are at the table tucking into your delicious lobster and conversation is flowing freely, there only remain a few general tips to ensure that you both have a pleasant, enjoyable evening:

• Don't mention Indian politics. The asian subcontinent is very close to all tiger's hearts and it is easy to offend a tiger with an uninformed contribution to the political process there.


• Keep the cage door firmly locked.


• Don't be tempted to stroke that lovely stripey coat. This is very bad manners, most tigers will initially seem to ignore the grave insult but will refuse to speak to you ever again afterward.


• Do not on any account respond to any requests to inspect the tigers wisdom teeth.


• Stay away from religious discussions if you are easily offended; tigers are renowned for their scathing critiques of the religious establishment. They may also lose crucial respect for you if they discover you have faith based leanings. Tigers are creatures of science.


• If your hallucinogenic drugs start to wear off at any time; make your excuses and leave.

I hope these tips have been useful and allow you to make some good new friends, but remember; a tiger is for life, not just for christmas.

: 16 Dec 2004 10:30 |  Tags: Dans Guides |  Comments (20) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Oh nuts, I'm home and its not as awesome as I thought

Not really of course.

Anywhere with me in it is uncountably awesome.

As all regular bloggers know there is little more painful than the dreaded time every few weeks when you have to drag yourself to the keyboard, mind empty of funny, interesting or even stupid things, and attempt to construct a blog entry out of the ashes of your once mighty blogging skills. As someone who never, ever suffers from this problem I am uniquely qualified to give you an insight into a creative process so infallible you can't fail to produce top notch blog entries every single time. While I can't reveal all the secrets of my amazing blogging skills I can provide you with a few pointers:

Dan's Guide to Blogging Well

• None of that angsty crap. Thats right, noone wants to hear about how you hate yourself, the world, lemurs and small bits of paper with "Open slice" written on them. Unless of course its really, very, very funny or you have a talent for writing that can make your suffering seem noble and profound. If you are feeling angsty and find yourself drawn to a blog screen stop, take a few moments to consider how horrible blogs are… there, now you hate blogs as well and can go and think about your self loathing elsewhere. Try therapy.


• Dnt spk lk ths cos u r tryn t sve lttrs. There isn't some kind of global letter shortage, in fact last time I checked thats one of the few things we have an oversupply of. If you had the intellect of sub par morons than I could understand being unable to form complete words let alone sentences; but you are here, at university. There is just no excuse. Next time you find yourself typing 'u' instead of 'you' in a blog think of a hamster being fired against a wall. That's what I'm going to do if I read your sentence.


• Get very, very drunk. The best blog ideas are sired by alcohol and its dark mistress 3am.


• Consider your audience. If you want to make a funny blog entry, look around at the people you see on campus. The ones with the all the creases and bleary eyes. What do they need? What do they want? Careful not to stare too long into their eyes for their eyes may stare back into you. Their eyes may contain lasers.


• A picture is an acceptable substitute for a thousand words. For instance looking at the average picture of me the word awesome will appear in your mind roughly nine hundred and fifty times. Everyone likes a good funny picture, even better if you draw it yourself.


• Steal. The best ideas have already been thought of, take them, caress them, make them yours. It feels good.


• If in doubt: Ninjas, pirates, robots or sex will always get you a few readers. Should be used regularly to spice up boring passages; E.g.
  "Yesterday I went shopping for PIRATE shoes when, as I was walking back, I bumped into my good NINJA friend Malcom with his good old ROBOT dog barney! We had a good old chat and ended up back at his place, he took me up to his room and we settled down on his bed for some nice biscuits"


• Don't infilitrate my thoughts and steal my goddamn robot idea. I'm looking at you Sam, with your mind reading gloves.

Thats enough for now.

: 13 Dec 2004 14:39 |  Tags: Dans Guides |  Comments (28) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

How to dump someone

I just realised I hadn't posted any pictures of myself for a few days so had to make this entry.
Got to maintain the award winning reputation after all. Yet, also I have made a serious face in this photo, as you can see, because tonight we are going to tackle a sensitive subject. Over my many, many years of seduction it has regretably become necessary to occasionally let the odd one go, so to speak, disentangle myself from their romantic intentions and show them to the metaphorical door leading to the inevitable corridor of single-dom. Through trial and awesome I've learned many ways to make the process easier for all involved and thought it only right to share them with you now.

Dan's guide to dumping someone

The first thing to make sure of is that you are actually going out with someone. A lot of people make a mistake in this first suprisingly difficult step and end up spending hours trying to have post break up sex with their fridge. If you are unsure about whether you are dating someone, try referring to these handy hints:

• Do people refer to you as 'we'? Are you wearing a crown? If no to both then you may be ok; if yes to both you may be a minor monarch. If your answers are split no/yes; can I have your crown please? If they are split yes/no this is a a sure sign of a relationship, or stupidity.


• Do you have any friends? If the answer is no, you are probably in a relationship or a regular blogger.


• Do you keep seeing the same person every morning when you wake up? Please stop watching breakfast television, you are only making it worse.


• Are you recieving regular sex from the same person? If yes you are probably in a relationship or some kind of pyramid scheme.

So you think you are in a relationship, but would rather be spending your evenings with someone else, _anyone else,_ whats the next step towards freedom?

• Invite your previously beloved out to a nice dinner. Fancy restuarant, smart suit and champagne on ice. At an appropriate moment drop down on one knee and pull out the special 'You were dumped on 9th December 2004' ring you've had made. Never fails.


• Its very important to let your very nearly former lover down carefully. I reccommend giving them a nice big parachute before pushing them out of the plane.


• Have your soon-to-be former lover arrested for stalking. Show the police the photos of you together as evidence. Scream everytime you see them from now on.


• Make a long list of your partners faults. Get it published. Read it out on national television. Have it written in sky writing.


• Pretend that you have a terminal illness. Fake your own death after a few years. Have someone else's body incinerated at the funeral. Make an appearance and tell your partner that you were just trying to get away from their ugly, ugly face.

…

If you follow these fool-proof tips it should soon be easy to move swiftly from one lover to the next with the minimum of bothersome fuss.

Stay awesome.

: 09 Dec 2004 02:59 |  Tags: Dans Guides |  Comments (53) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Why I am so awesome

Tonight I had a nice chinese meal in a Coventry restaurant known as Wing Wah's. They had this lovely idea of playing happy birthday to everyone who's birthday it was and presenting them with a birthday treat. Very nice. Except, that this being a very large establishment, the birthday tune was being played almost every five minutes while we were in the restaurant, which kind of ruined the specialness of it happening for the birthday people I imagine.

If only they had been as awesome as me.

People are often asking me how it is that I came to be so awesome. It wasn't easy let me tell you, long hours of working up the ranks of the merely special, a few months spent in the annals of the truly great and even a short spell of infamy. Yet I managed it, because inside I was always awesome. While obviously very few of you will be able to achieve as much brilliance as me, I believe that I can point you in the right direction. Who knows armed with this advice you may one day be able to stand just behind me and proudly say, "I could almost see over Dan's shoulder".

So without further introduction I present:

Dan's Guide to being awesome (or at least getting close)

Looking good

The most important part of being awesome is other people knowing just exactly how awesome you are. The only way they can infer this at a glance is from your consumate sense of carefree style. Now I can't make you all look beautiful or show you how to find your own style but I can show you how I developed mine, so that you can perhaps learn from my outstanding example.

• Never cut your hair. Why does this make you awesome? Take a look at history for example. Jesus. There was a chap who became world famous, so famous that people still talk about him centuries later. We don't know much for certain about Jesus but what everyone agrees on is that he had awesome long, flowing locks. If you still need convincing take a look at the least awesome group of people on the planet: chavs. Ever seen a chav with long hair? Thought not. Having longer hair increases your sexual potency, will result in frequent promotions and make everyone think you play in a rock band. Think how much money you will save by never visiting those charlatan barbers ever again.


• Dress like you mean it. Try getting a t-shirt with "I'm awesome" emblazoned across the front. Wear sunglasses indoors. Avoid anything that a chav might wear, anything your grandad might wear, anything that the tory party wear to look casual. If you have any items that fit all three types of people, burn them immediately and you'll instantly increase your level of excellence. Whatever the weather make sure you look as smart as a mensa president.


• Ironing. Completely worthless. Will only make you look like one of "them".


• Mirrors. Try to keep one on you at all times, nothing will keep you more awesome than being constanly reminded of how awesome you look with your uncut hair and snappy clothes. If you can't keep a mirror on you then try looking in passing shop windows, bodies of water or at other awesome people.


• Smoking. Smoking is right out. Hanging out with people who smoke is where its at. That way you can have all the ambience of smoke filled rooms without the wallet-damaging and health destroying addiction. Try to collect people who smoke cigars or pipes, as these produce the most smoke and are far more unusual, and therfore worth more points.

Feeling awesome

Being awesome isn't all about appearances its also about having an attitude that says "I'm so awesome I could probably invent special boots that let me walk up the sides of buildings and shout from the top through a megaphone about how awesome I am before parachuting to safety while signing autographs". That's the kind of attitude that distinguishes the whipped cream from the squirty kind. Hence:

• Give less of a shit. Agonizing over every little descision like whether that road is clear or whether hemlock is in fact perfectly safe in small doses only wastes valuable time that could be spent being awesome. Don't fret over the smaller things in life they'll work themselves out, thats what your groupies are for.


• Be enthusiastic. About everything that happens to you. If tragedy strikes then embrace it.For example, in a boring lecture try asking a question every fifteen minutes or offer to get up and teach the class. Try taping the lecturer and playing extracts back to them in seminars with a thoughtful commentry provided by you.


• Walk everywhere. Noone can see you on a bus or in a car, this way you'll always arrive fashionably late.


• Publicise yourself. Set up your own magazine to showcase your own talents, the articles should all be about you. Hand out flyers with your face on and a description of your prodigious talents. Walk around with a megaphone proclaiming your amazingness to anyone within earshot. Make use of any opportunity that presents itself to make yourself better known. This will increase your reflected awesomeness because as more people learn about you, the more powerful you become.


• If in doubt; think like a pirate. As everyone knows pirates are one of the few universally awesome socio-economic groupings. If you are ever in any doubt in a particular situation just think to yourself 'What would a pirate do?' Guaranteed success. For example; you are out with a lady friend and she asks you to hold her handbag for a minute. Thinking like a pirate you pull out your cutlass stab everyone in sight and plunder their dubloons. You quickly sweep the wench over your shoulder and swing on a rope back to your ship where you tie her up and get drunk on rum and grog. Awesome.

I hope this guide has helped you a few steps closer to being awesome.

: 03 Dec 2004 01:30 |  Tags: Dans Guides |  Comments (22) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Dan's Guide to Good Essay writing

I've recently realised that I know very little about popular music. A shameful situation for a radio personality like myself. To correct this fault, last night I was up till the wee hours attempting to educate myself. I have now learnt that Justin Timberlake, despite having a crap name that sounds like a sweatshirt, sings some decent pop tunes.

As a result, today I got up very late and found that suddenly everyone wants to talk about essays. Must have been a memo I missed. Seeing as I am a kind and generous soul I decided that it was high time the students of Warwick University learnt my secret essay tips:

Dan's Guide to Good Essay Writing

Essay Do's

• Always include a beginning, middle and an end. Your name would just look silly without them.


• Draw pictures. A picture is worth a thousand words. Exploit this saying. Draw four pictures and hand them in.


• Sentences finishing with exclamation marks count double. Include! Lots!


• Always remember: word counts include all MSN conversations, text messages, e-mails, blog entrys and cereal packets you read and wrote while in "the process" of writing the essay.


• Always read the question. This makes it easier to change it to fit your essay.


• Preparation is vital. If you don't stock up on food, beer and films you might find yourself with nothing to procrastinate with. This may result in your essay being handed in on time, you do not want this. Never heard of the saying fashionably late? You do want to be cool don't you?


• Always make sure you have a good argument. You'll need it when you have to persuade your tutor to raise your mark.

Essay Don't's

• Never plan your essay. The main point of essay writing is to be original and how are you ever going to manage that if you keep preemting yourself. Plunge straight in. This also saves lots of valuable time under exam conditions, allowing you to finish early and try to distract the other candidates, lowering everyone else's marks and making you look better.


• Don't proofread your essay. This is very bad luck and will only remind you of the essays numerous faults and possibly induce a kind of fatal despair.


• Don't forget your references. All Simpson's quotes, League of Gentlemen paraphrases and your best mate Kevin's brilliant ideas should be catalogued and included.


• Don't forget to steal sections of your essay from the internet. Thats what it was invented for. Your tutor will be impressed by the demonstration of your IT skills and give you bonus marks.

I hope that helps clear up any problems you may be having.

: 01 Dec 2004 01:55 |  Tags: Dans Guides |  Comments (22) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Meeting people from the internet

Writing about web page http://www.ukchatterbox.co.uk/article/18

I seem to have developed a tendancy to meet up, recieve phone calls from and generally socialise in a non virtual way with people who I have first got to know via the internet. With Warwick Blogs I have noticed this trend in my life accelerating rapidly until I am now meeting previously virtual people on an almost weekly basis. It would be very unfair if I kept all this wealth of experience to myself and I have thus decided to provide you with a handy guide on how to meet 'real' people:

Dan's Guide to Blogger/real life crossovers

Meeting people from the internet is likely to be a scary and frightening experience for everyone concerned; whatever you do, avoid turning up naked. Save this for later. Safety is another important concern, wear protective clothing at all times and follow these simple tips:

1) Always arrange to meet up in a private place. If they offer to meet you at their place, go along. Bring a pillow. The main advantage of this is that noone will be able to see or hear you; potentially saving you hours of embarrasment when you "accidently" reveal your love of tweed.

2) Never tell anyone where you are going, who you are meeting or when you expect to be back. Not even your partner. This means noone will know where you are. This is what you want, meeting people from the internet is still considered one step above glue sniffing. Also never take a mobile phone with you, you don't want to have to lie to your friends if they ring up asking where you are and noone likes a flash git with a fancy "mobile" "phone".

3) Go alone. If your friends realise what you are up to they may decide to eat all the food in your fridge, especially the yougurts.

4) If at any time you feel uneasy with the other person, then try having another drink. Everyone improves with alcohol. Even Sam.

6) Be sensible! Don't meet in a bar; and fail to get totally pissed. You don't want your new internet friends thinking you are a total loser. Its best to just act on instinct, do what you feel rather than thinking things through too much. This only leads to confusion.

7) Don't hesitate or be cautious! If they other person can sense your fear they may hate you forever after all what are you implying?

8) It's very important to lie. On no account should anyone from the internet uncover your true nature, if they do they will most likely hate you or otherwise why would you have resorted to the internet to meet people in the first place?

If you follow this easy advice I'm sure the warwick blog community will soon be a thriving market place for making friends.

: 30 Nov 2004 01:13 |  Tags: Dans Guides |  Comments (10) |  Close comments |  Report a problem