All entries for March 2005

March 19, 2005

Henry at Home

Follow-up to Meet henry. from Dan Lawrence's Blog


March 18, 2005

Notting Wedding Diary, Actually

An extract from the latest collaboration between Richard Curtis and Working Title Films

An office. A very foppish english stereotype fumbles with a photocopier seemingly unable to clear a simple paper jam, at all times he looks very embarrased at his incompetence. (Director’s Note: Not quite sure who should play this role). His struggles with the photocopier get more and more intense until somehow he manages to feed his tie into the machine and is forced down to his knees. At this point he finally breaks and says a very english swear word like..

Hugh Brant: Fucking Crumpets!

…just as a very important looking buisness man sheparding what looks like a hollywood starlet in a suit enters the office. The office floor is sent into stunned silence and Brant pulls his most embarrased face and splutters helplessly on his knees. The hollywood starlet looks amused. (Directors Note: Lets change this so that we cut back and forth between the buisness man and the starlet heading into the office up stairs and through corridors talking about how responsible the Brant character is and this scene)

Important looking buisness man: Brant!

Cut to a private office with the important looking man and the starlet on one side of a big desk and a humiliated looking Brant on the other. (Directors Note: Buisness man to be played by an ageing comedy legend: Stephen Fry?)

Brant: I’m er… really… er… you understand… blasted technology…I’m sorry Mr. Arnold.

Arnold: Yes, well nevermind all that Brant. This is Miss Roberts, she’s been drafted in from our New York office to try and boost the productivity of our London operations. From now on you will be reporting directly to her, she’ll also be taking your office. Any questions?

Brant: er… what… who… the… my…

Arnold: Excellent. I’ll see you next Tuesday Brant. I’m off to play golf in Hong Kong. I’m counting on you two to work closely together.

Mr. Arnold exits swinging his imaginary golf club.

Brant: The..what.. should we…er… the latest..figures..

Miss Roberts: (smiles, nearly splitting her face in two) Get out of my office.

Brant leaves looking confused and embarrased, exiting to the main office floor everyone is staring at him.

Brant: (to himself) Earl wanking grey!

We cut to Brant getting out of a taxi.

Taxi driver: Ere, me old china if I were you I’d get yerself on the dog and bone and sort out a a booking wiv tha fourty thieves. Yer hair looks like shit.

Brant: (to the speeding off taxi) What…er… the… thank..er.. oh .. Camilla Parker Bowles!

Another car drives past soaking Brant with muddy splashed up water, he holds his hands up despairingly before heading into his trendy Notting Hill flat. Inside its dark.

Brant: Baz! Why is it dark? Where are you.
Voice from above: Upstairs! Come and see!

Warily Brant climbs the stairs, as he reaches the top we see his expression turn to confusion and then the camera cuts to what he sees, a skinny man with wild hair, dressed only in an ill-fitting thong crouched over a metalic box with some blinking LEDs on and huge cables running into it from a nearby cupboard. (Directors Note: Baz to be played by one of these new upstart comedians; Bill Bailey?)

Brant: Baz… what are you doing?

Baz: (Passing Brant a spanner) Hold this.

An extract from later in the film.

In a trendy north london café Brant sits around sipping tea with his friends; wild nymphomaniac Katie, incredibly camp black man Neil, ageing hippy Stephen and zany house mate Baz.

Baz: Battered Cod! So that means you only have 25 minutes to stop the wedding! Thank god for the Ken Livingstone or you’d never make it. Here’s a couple of pounds for the bus! Run!

Brant: But I…the… she’d… in love with…the scandal… I couldn’t…

Neil: Oooh get on with it you big man stud darhling, the american girl obviously loves you. Now get a hustle on before I have to spank you!

Stephen: Far out man! Peace.

Katie: Oh Stephen! I’m so excited lets do it!

Baz: Go!

Brant breaks into a run as he exist the coffee house and leaps on to a nice big red london bus that happens to be driving by.

Brant: To the whitechapel church!

Driver: Sorry mate, you want the 52B. This is just the regular 52 we don’t head out that way.

Brant leaps back off the bus and waits patiently at the bus stop for five minutes playing snake on his mobile phone until the 52B pulls up.

Brant: To the whitechapel church! And step on it!

Driver: Right away guv’ner!

Outside it starts snowing in the middle of july, the street cleaners and chimney sweeps begin to dance.


March 17, 2005

A secret screamed so loud

Jackie Chan is completely insane.

I watched Police Story last night and was amazed once again to see the lunacy this guy puts himself through in the name of entertainment. Standing in the path of a speeding bus, driving a car through a house and hanging from a moving vehicle via the means of an umbrella, were just some of the activities he got up to in this particular film, and its common knowledge that he's been hospitalised several times in the course of his stunts, once so seriously it was thought he would die. What drives a man to take such risks for my pleasure? Its a tantalising thought.

I'm enjoying not feeling I have to attend lectures, not that I ever was attending lectures, but now I don't fel so guilty about it. I also seem to get more work doen when I'm not constantly being interrupted to trek into uni for a few hours of being bored senseless. The much delayed computer science project is progressing, so much that I even updated its exciting website the other day. I'm getting into the doing work thing so much, I'm even considering organising a revision timetable and doing my essay early.

Regular blog readers may have noticed the storm clouds of angst hanging around recently and I expect you are rather tired of them. In an effort to appease you I shall attempt to move on from the troubles of the past few weeks and recapture the good times.

After all, I am but human.


March 16, 2005

Endlessly

Shattered

The smash of pottery,
Strength I do not have,
To fight life’s lottery.

The pieces lie around,
I can’t fix myself,
We all hit the ground.

Barbed arrow,
I entered your lives,
Leave you with sorrow.

One day,
I hope to repay,
A rebirth of my soul,
And a refill of the hole.


Some reasons why I'm an awesome geek

I thought it was time to own up to my completely awesome geeky side, to anyone out there who I've managed to convince that I am in fact entirely smooth and super cool. I thought you all might want to benefit from my years of experience and become more like me, so I compiled a few points that came into my head:

Dan's Guide To Geeking It Up Style

This guide shalt take the form of a list of key geek elements that I've found have boosted my XP in the Geek class (multiclassed with awesome at level 12 – using the 3rd Edition ruleset). So without further malarkey here is the good shit:

1) Owning a book like this

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This is a book that has caused much mockery because it features computer generated images of perfectly proportioned naked women. A book like this plays perfectly into the geek stereotype of lonely, desperate youth who has so little luck with the ladies he has to resort to making images of them on his computer and pretend that they are his girlfriend; and that her name is Samantha. That she hangs off my every word, really respects my C++ skills and agrees with me that real men use Lightwave. Yes, a book like this will do your geek rating no end of good. Other worthy books are a whole shelf of Fantasy fiction novels (swords and sorcery), many many books about coding and computer games and a selection of graphic novels detailing the adventures of Spiderman. I'm sure you can think of more.

2) An obsessive dedication to a television series

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This is a picture of Angel; a character in the Buffy spin-off of the same name. This is a show which I watched every episode of as soon as was humanly possible (thank ye american episode uploaders), read fan forums about upcoming plot theories, monitored websites for future episode rumours and generally obsessively followed, talked about and thought about it, for its entire duration. Being an almost equally dedicated follower of its mother series Buffy the Vampire Slayer I was able to follow crossover plots and came to the show with a weighty knowledge of character's back histories. I theorised along with many other's on the multiple meanings of the dream episodes and sang along with glee to the Buffy musical. I just managed to stop myself from tipping over the edge and buying Buffyverse novels and other such merchandise but went far enough in that I knew the names of many of the producers and script writers. Yep, an obsessive dedication to a TV show or even film series (Evil Dead comes to mind) will definitely boost your geek rating.

3) Study Philosophy with Computer Science

Now some folk might like to think that simply studying computer science would be enough, and indeed it will boost your rating, but I'd like to posit that the aforementioned degree is even more geeky. It has been my experience in my many years of internet usage and hanging around geek power centres, that your average geek likes to believe himself smart and thus able to have an opinon on all matters; and there are no matters your average geek likes to have an opinion on more (with the possible exception of 'who would win in a fight between x & y' debates) than life's big questions. Studying this degree also gives me another excellent reason to mark myself out as different, not fitting in and a loner; classic geek.

4) Knowing the geography of a fictional place better than your own country

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That's a map of the Flanaess a place I expect most of you haven't heard of, but a place I've spent a long time travelling in my minds eye through reading hundreds and hundreds of fictional stories. Meanwhile, in England I don't even know the name of the counties neighbouring my own. Significant geek points gained for knowing the geography of fictional places.

5) Be President of the Video Game Design Society

Its kinda like the top job for my kind of geek strata at this stage in my life. Making games for computers is actually getting a lot less geeky these days, cool people and girls are starting to take an interest so this may be less important in future years.

6) Spend more than four hours a day doing blog related activities

It seems to have become the crowning glory in my geek empire tying together all my other geek activities in one place of free expression. Being a 'power blogger' involves a level of self obsession, technical skill and dedication that only a true geek could muster. Consider yourself geek boosted if you blog after 12pm without having just come in from a night out.

7) GI Joe, Sexy Losers, Your mum jokes, All your base, Milkman, Salad fingers, goatse, tub girl, the onion, Penny Arcade, Megatokyo, The Framley Examiner, Something Awful, Weebl and Bob etc

Anything quotable, funny, weird, disturbing or just plain insane to be found in the minds of geeks and thus often all over the internet. If you know what some of these things are then you may be a geek, if you are thinking of the many, many things I didn't include then you are most definitely a geek.

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I hope these tips can lead you towards ever greater geekery, a hallowed place where I shall await you.


March 13, 2005

Stab it with your steely knife

I just tried to play football. It turns out I'm incredibly unfit when it comes to any kind of vigorous physical exercise. I'm going to blame this entirely on a university education which has driven me to the dark side of late nights, alcohol and daytime television.

Its been an interesting week in which I've laughed, cried and lived more than I have in a long time. I hope that in time the people I've hurt can forgive me, and we can go on into the mysteries of the future as star friends. I've learned that I'm not perfect – not even close, despite what my socks might say, and that I can't always avoid hurting people. I can just try and screw up and try again until I get it right.

I'm going to just say thank you to all my friends old and new, even if you're mad at me right now. You've all enriched my life and I don't want to lose you over any of this, we'll get drunk together again soon and our strength will see us through.

Muse rock.


March 12, 2005

Its never enough


March 11, 2005

Best get walking


March 10, 2005

Hurt

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way


March 09, 2005

The dead man's hand again

Enjoyed battle of the bands immensly. X.

FIST!

Am currently enjoying Spaced on DVD and a nice warm fuzzy happiness.

Here is my poker persona; Dan 'Public Enemy' Awesome, for the big Earlsdon show down on saturday:

I recently discovered the excellent news that we can keep our blogs after leaving uni by joining the Warwick Graduate Association. Superb.

Yeah, I missed a few days.


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