February 12, 2005

Why I'm not an alcoholic

Today I was accused of rampant alcoholism by some fine upstanding young ladies of character. I would like to publicly state that is is not the case!

Just because I occasionally like to sample some of scotland’s finest before bedtime and… where the hell did that camel come from? Get it out of here … just because I enjoy a few glasses of the most exquiste whiskey that Tesco can supply for under a tenner… Is that Nick passed out under the coffee table? Why is he wearing my fridge? I don’t think that a half-dozen or so glasses of smooth, delightful amber pleasure are going to do me any lasting damage… Not again! The next person who writes ‘TWAMMER’ on my forehead is going to meet with some serious harm … A large bottle of spirits a night is reccomended by most doctors, I’m sure I read that somewhere… Mat stop eating my carpet cleaner … and if one bottle is good then two bottles must be better. Right? wait a second, didn’t I used to have two kneecaps?

So clearly my moderate alcohol consumption is perfectly in line with what should be expected of any healthy young student at the peak of physical fitness.

Next week: Why I am fitter than most olympic athletes.


- 15 comments by 2 or more people Not publicly viewable

[Skip to the latest comment]
  1. urgh

    12 Feb 2005, 23:36

  2. gruaah?

    12 Feb 2005, 23:45

  3. ugleeuhh.

    13 Feb 2005, 00:08

  4. Mathew Mannion

    Carpet cleaner tastes nice

    13 Feb 2005, 00:12

  5. im sorry i spelt that wrong. i meant to say ugluuehh.

    13 Feb 2005, 00:13

  6. Don't listen to the nay-sayers Daniel. A healthy acquantaince with malted drinks and fermented beverages is an essential part of the university experience as is the ability to mix a gin and tonic and Pimms, gin martinis and a Tom Collins. And the ability to consume large quantities of alcohol is a sign of manhood.

    When you find yourself having tesco value whiskey or vodka and stray from single malt and move towards blended whisky, or feel the urge to join the liberal democrats that bastion of alcoholism then i think sessions with AA is needed.

    Remember you are not drinking to get drunk, you are drinking to enjoy a heightened sense of awareness, to help you sleep and to enjoy the best that Scotland has to offer and boosting Scottish exports. In fact you are doing a public service.

    Personally my mother mixed my baby's milk with spirits from the start and it has turned me into a thoroughly well rounded individual. I carry a hip flask of brandy in the inside pocket of my sports jacket and i find it fortifies me through the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune that life throws at me.

    In fact, you are welcome at my kitchen anytime for a gin and tonic (without the tonic), a neat whisky or a gin martini.

    13 Feb 2005, 00:16

  7. Wroooorgh

    13 Feb 2005, 00:17

  8. u mean ur mother was an alcoholic too?

    and mr boulby, that was a bit too animalistic – perhaps you regressed too far

    13 Feb 2005, 01:08

  9. Bleu?

    13 Feb 2005, 01:09

  10. to that i shall reply "...........

    13 Feb 2005, 01:55

  11. I bet you drank while dusting! :P

    Hope the filing went ok and that you did some crazy dancing while doing it.

    13 Feb 2005, 02:25

  12. Nurggggh.

    13 Feb 2005, 13:03

  13. ONKEN

    13 Feb 2005, 16:38

  14. Thanks for that Dan, I'll bring your fridge back later…

    14 Feb 2005, 13:56

  15. Bev

    I AM TRYING SO HARD TO GIVE THE NEAT VODKA UP , BUT IT CAN BE SO HELPFUL IN TIMES OF NEED X

    26 Jul 2005, 15:46


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