Why I am so awesome
Tonight I had a nice chinese meal in a Coventry restaurant known as Wing Wah's. They had this lovely idea of playing happy birthday to everyone who's birthday it was and presenting them with a birthday treat. Very nice. Except, that this being a very large establishment, the birthday tune was being played almost every five minutes while we were in the restaurant, which kind of ruined the specialness of it happening for the birthday people I imagine.
If only they had been as awesome as me.
People are often asking me how it is that I came to be so awesome. It wasn't easy let me tell you, long hours of working up the ranks of the merely special, a few months spent in the annals of the truly great and even a short spell of infamy. Yet I managed it, because inside I was always awesome. While obviously very few of you will be able to achieve as much brilliance as me, I believe that I can point you in the right direction. Who knows armed with this advice you may one day be able to stand just behind me and proudly say, "I could almost see over Dan's shoulder".
So without further introduction I present:
Dan's Guide to being awesome (or at least getting close)
The most important part of being awesome is other people knowing just exactly how awesome you are. The only way they can infer this at a glance is from your consumate sense of carefree style. Now I can't make you all look beautiful or show you how to find your own style but I can show you how I developed mine, so that you can perhaps learn from my outstanding example.
- Never cut your hair. Why does this make you awesome? Take a look at history for example. Jesus. There was a chap who became world famous, so famous that people still talk about him centuries later. We don't know much for certain about Jesus but what everyone agrees on is that he had awesome long, flowing locks. If you still need convincing take a look at the least awesome group of people on the planet: chavs. Ever seen a chav with long hair? Thought not. Having longer hair increases your sexual potency, will result in frequent promotions and make everyone think you play in a rock band. Think how much money you will save by never visiting those charlatan barbers ever again.
- Dress like you mean it. Try getting a t-shirt with "I'm awesome" emblazoned across the front. Wear sunglasses indoors. Avoid anything that a chav might wear, anything your grandad might wear, anything that the tory party wear to look casual. If you have any items that fit all three types of people, burn them immediately and you'll instantly increase your level of excellence. Whatever the weather make sure you look as smart as a mensa president.
- Ironing. Completely worthless. Will only make you look like one of "them".
- Mirrors. Try to keep one on you at all times, nothing will keep you more awesome than being constanly reminded of how awesome you look with your uncut hair and snappy clothes. If you can't keep a mirror on you then try looking in passing shop windows, bodies of water or at other awesome people.
- Smoking. Smoking is right out. Hanging out with people who smoke is where its at. That way you can have all the ambience of smoke filled rooms without the wallet-damaging and health destroying addiction. Try to collect people who smoke cigars or pipes, as these produce the most smoke and are far more unusual, and therfore worth more points.
Being awesome isn't all about appearances its also about having an attitude that says "I'm so awesome I could probably invent special boots that let me walk up the sides of buildings and shout from the top through a megaphone about how awesome I am before parachuting to safety while signing autographs". That's the kind of attitude that distinguishes the whipped cream from the squirty kind. Hence:
- Give less of a shit. Agonizing over every little descision like whether that road is clear or whether hemlock is in fact perfectly safe in small doses only wastes valuable time that could be spent being awesome. Don't fret over the smaller things in life they'll work themselves out, thats what your groupies are for.
- Be enthusiastic. About everything that happens to you. If tragedy strikes then embrace it.For example, in a boring lecture try asking a question every fifteen minutes or offer to get up and teach the class. Try taping the lecturer and playing extracts back to them in seminars with a thoughtful commentry provided by you.
- Walk everywhere. Noone can see you on a bus or in a car, this way you'll always arrive fashionably late.
- Publicise yourself. Set up your own magazine to showcase your own talents, the articles should all be about you. Hand out flyers with your face on and a description of your prodigious talents. Walk around with a megaphone proclaiming your amazingness to anyone within earshot. Make use of any opportunity that presents itself to make yourself better known. This will increase your reflected awesomeness because as more people learn about you, the more powerful you become.
- If in doubt; think like a pirate. As everyone knows pirates are one of the few universally awesome socio-economic groupings. If you are ever in any doubt in a particular situation just think to yourself 'What would a pirate do?' Guaranteed success. For example; you are out with a lady friend and she asks you to hold her handbag for a minute. Thinking like a pirate you pull out your cutlass stab everyone in sight and plunder their dubloons. You quickly sweep the wench over your shoulder and swing on a rope back to your ship where you tie her up and get drunk on rum and grog. Awesome.
I hope this guide has helped you a few steps closer to being awesome.