Television: A review
Being at home, and unable to move very much, has left me in the soft embrace of television. Much has changed since last I visited it shores for a prolonged period.
I thought I'd give you a brief run through of the pleasures I enjoyed:
12.35 - Friends
This show just never dies does it. Channel Four's scheduling methodolgy seems to be, when ever this a gap insert Friends. This particular episode wasn't that hateful as it was really old before everyone knew how great they all were, and everything got so slick and in-jokey and phenomenon-like. It was just a fairly good show and the cast members looked a lot more attractive than they do nowadays.
1.05 Fool Around ... with the Cheeky Girls
Bearing with it the terrifying prospect of being a format show that may return on a regular basis with different 'with the…' celebrities, this show took the horror prize for the day. Everyone in it was loathsome and exploited. For some pathetic amount of money, the male halves of three couples and one single man were competing with each other to persuade the cheeky girls that they were single. All the while the girlfriends were watching in. The results were suitably stupid. The girlfriends threatened to split up when they saw their boyfriends… flirting with the cheeky girls? Sorry ladies, but what exactly did you think the game was going to involve when its a game about flirting. Then for extra hilarity one guy was so persuasive that one of the cheeky girls actually fell in love with him and actually began weeping when she found out he already had a girlfriend. Hello cheekys this was the point of the game! So in the end all the losers looked miffed and pissed off because they just ruined their relationships by flirting with two of the most bizarre women in pop music for nothing. Then we have the crying cheeky girls and finally the winner who made them cry and just proved to his, less than happy looking girlfriend, that he is able to lie believeably about loving someone right to their face. LCD arse bollocks.
2.10ish - (Half of) Alexander the Great - FILM
One of those big old classical epics they were always churning out featuring huge crowds of extras rushing about stabbing each other and as little as possible in the way of story. Lots of bronzed chests and manly fighting. Didn't really convey the story of Alexander in an at all memorable way, the acting was universally shite and nothing about it engaged me. Even the stabbings were U rated.
3.25 - Stagecoach - FILM
Now we're talking some proper entertainment. Its a very old film from the era of classic westerns and as such takes a time to get going and includes a few elements that now look a bit cliche, but are actually probably just copied by later films and originated here. There are several interesting characters all trapped together on the same stagecoach headed into what seems to be indian infested countryside. The tension is slowly built with regular stops by the coach and confict between the characters while the indians are kept mysteriously in the background. Very watchable. I reccomend it heartily and the stagecoach fight scene should be studied and copied/updated more regularly into modern action cinema.
4.55 - What the papers say
In which I learnt that what they said this week wasn't very interesting.
5.05 - Regional and National News
Bomb somewhere. Pope possibly moving his hand. Dog saves mobile from watery death.
5.35 - New You've Been Framed!
Somehow Harry Hill, who I once hailed as a comedy genius, has let himself slip futher and futher everytime I see him. When I heard his voiceover on this show I realised he may have found the bottom. I'm sure this show used to have a kind of audience and presenter led feel at one stage but the mysterious Harry never appears on screen. The clips are as crap as ever they were, with a baby screwing up its face greeted with gales of undeserved canned laughter. The only saving grace is that Mr. Hills comments were actually occasionally amusing and he is far less offensive than any of the previous presenters. Total Arse.
6.00 - Morgan & Platell
I think I actually fell asleep for a while here or went off to beat my head against a wall because I only caught the end of this show. Two more unendearing pundits it would be hard to find than the loathsome Piers Morgan and the hideous Amanda Platell. Their questioning of Robin Cook a potentially very interesting guest if interviewed correctly was boring and tabloid. The whole show seemed stupid, glitzy and ultimately flatulent.
6.30 - TV break
I decided to take a break from watching tv to check email and the blogs but I was back in time for…
7.00 - The New 10 Commandments
Never have I seen a shitty idea stretched so desperately over two hours.
Amazingly enough when people vote in a list of new commandments they are crappy and stupid. There was duplication of function with both 'protect your children' and 'protect your family' and all kinds of other stupid ideas, and geez they stretched it out. We had to endure a stripper going into a hairdressers to prove the point that people say 'oh my god' as if noone in the world had noticed. and other such time filling features. We got to hear about all of the original commandments, all of the original commandments that got completely rejected and all of the new commandments that nearly made it (top twenty). For each one we had an interview and a small film and some fancy graphics, then maybe some more studio time and a bit of 'hillarious japery'. Scotland seemed to have voted the most for every single one of the commandments which seemed to me a bit improbable, I got bored before the end and cut off my own foot.
9.00 - Spy Game - FILM
This is a film I once watched almost to the very end in a cinema in Newcastle before I had to leave in the last 15 minutes and never finding out how it ended until tonight. I found it to be pretty good both times through. Though after waiting this long for the ending it was fairly unsatisfactory, and compared to the pace of some spy thrillers these days it just wasn't quick or twisty enough.
At this point I fell asleep. Thank you television.