December 13, 2004

Oh nuts, I'm home and its not as awesome as I thought

Not really of course.

Anywhere with me in it is uncountably awesome.

As all regular bloggers know there is little more painful than the dreaded time every few weeks when you have to drag yourself to the keyboard, mind empty of funny, interesting or even stupid things, and attempt to construct a blog entry out of the ashes of your once mighty blogging skills. As someone who never, ever suffers from this problem I am uniquely qualified to give you an insight into a creative process so infallible you can't fail to produce top notch blog entries every single time. While I can't reveal all the secrets of my amazing blogging skills I can provide you with a few pointers:

Dan's Guide to Blogging Well

  • None of that angsty crap. Thats right, noone wants to hear about how you hate yourself, the world, lemurs and small bits of paper with "Open slice" written on them. Unless of course its really, very, very funny or you have a talent for writing that can make your suffering seem noble and profound. If you are feeling angsty and find yourself drawn to a blog screen stop, take a few moments to consider how horrible blogs are… there, now you hate blogs as well and can go and think about your self loathing elsewhere. Try therapy.

  • Dnt spk lk ths cos u r tryn t sve lttrs. There isn't some kind of global letter shortage, in fact last time I checked thats one of the few things we have an oversupply of. If you had the intellect of sub par morons than I could understand being unable to form complete words let alone sentences; but you are here, at university. There is just no excuse. Next time you find yourself typing 'u' instead of 'you' in a blog think of a hamster being fired against a wall. That's what I'm going to do if I read your sentence.

  • Get very, very drunk. The best blog ideas are sired by alcohol and its dark mistress 3am.

  • Consider your audience. If you want to make a funny blog entry, look around at the people you see on campus. The ones with the all the creases and bleary eyes. What do they need? What do they want? Careful not to stare too long into their eyes for their eyes may stare back into you. Their eyes may contain lasers.

  • A picture is an acceptable substitute for a thousand words. For instance looking at the average picture of me the word awesome will appear in your mind roughly nine hundred and fifty times. Everyone likes a good funny picture, even better if you draw it yourself.

  • Steal. The best ideas have already been thought of, take them, caress them, make them yours. It feels good.

  • If in doubt: Ninjas, pirates, robots or sex will always get you a few readers. Should be used regularly to spice up boring passages; E.g.
    "Yesterday I went shopping for PIRATE shoes when, as I was walking back, I bumped into my good NINJA friend Malcom with his good old ROBOT dog barney! We had a good old chat and ended up back at his place, he took me up to his room and we settled down on his bed for some nice biscuits"

  • Don't infilitrate my thoughts and steal my goddamn robot idea. I'm looking at you Sam, with your mind reading gloves.

Thats enough for now.

- 28 comments by 2 or more people Not publicly viewable

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  1. Wow, thank you Dan, for more indispensible advice made understandable to us lower-on-the-ladder bloggers.

    I don't have pirate shoes, but I am getting Elf boots for christmas-made from genuine Elf-will this help in any way?

    13 Dec 2004, 14:47

  2. I think it might just, as long as the elf was slain between 12 and 6am.

    13 Dec 2004, 14:49

  3. Ah, they weren't that specific on the label…I shall email my local bounty hunter (Geffory Lovesgold) and see if he can track-back through the records to find out…

    13 Dec 2004, 14:51

  4. I have a theory that santa was a pirate –
    yo ho ho and a bottle of rum > ho ho ho and sherry and mince pies
    black beard > long white beard
    bag of bootie > bad of presents

    13 Dec 2004, 15:04

  5. Gezza

    u can come to Surry any day

    13 Dec 2004, 16:40

  6. Mathew Mannion

    This is because Sam used your robot idea, isn't it?

    13 Dec 2004, 17:33

  7. Gezza

    We want Dan here in Surry for Sexmas….... and the other regulars are welcome as tagalongs, that means Matt Mannion (the only other male on this blog reply)
    PS: Matt… why is daddy in Chicago?

    13 Dec 2004, 18:29

  8. What is this Surrey buisness? Why are you trying to gather male bloggers there, and what is that in your other hand?

    13 Dec 2004, 18:56

  9. Yes Mat it was. Fixed the entry.

    13 Dec 2004, 19:18

  10. Mathew Mannion

    Daddy's in Chicago because he is, oh stalkerish one…

    13 Dec 2004, 19:24

  11. Gezza

    Just being blogfriendly Matt, taking an interest in the great Dan Lawrence's blogfriends

    13 Dec 2004, 19:55

  12. I prefer to call them minions.

    13 Dec 2004, 20:05

  13. Gezza

    thats coz ur ace

    13 Dec 2004, 20:57

  14. Gezza


    13 Dec 2004, 20:57

  15. Gezza

    Better than BlogMinionMannion

    13 Dec 2004, 20:58

  16. Mathew Mannion

    Well I didn't mean to offend, I just didn't really see the point of the question :) And Dan's not really awesome, really… Honest :(

    13 Dec 2004, 23:21

  17. I hate the arrogance of the bloody Western world: presuming that we can just use up all the letters we want and never have to face a letter-drought due to our excessive use of them. Wake up Western World; there are words at stake here, we need some sort of leader to guide us through this process. Somebody with my DNA, my hair cut, colour and style, somebody with a fake Brazil football shirt from Tenerife… Who could we choose..?

    14 Dec 2004, 10:38

  18. You keep trying to make yourself believe that Mat :)

    James it is a proven fac that even the third world have their own well run letter factories churning out more than enough letters for everyone. Evn if we do hoard letters here in the western world.

    14 Dec 2004, 11:43

  19. I have a letter factory.

    14 Dec 2004, 15:03

  20. Mathew Mannion

    We import our letters from China, they're cheaper

    14 Dec 2004, 18:13

  21. Gezza

    may i take the the liberty of waisting a few precious letters, a workout of some alphabetic aerobics?
    No???? well, tough….

    my abdomen of adamantium atlean aresenal
    and my buttocks of beqeueable bilinguistics
    will crush your craggyily crevice of
    devlish debauchery under damned
    exquisite extasy with extra-
    friggin franktasceous fraggables.

    great gargantauean gragabalities,
    hear my hoarascious hearables
    and infinite incurables
    just as i jerk your
    kaleidescope of killer
    limp limescope lizards.

    my miserable malevicious murdering
    nullifys your non-existant nil
    with opulescent opals of orange
    and peach pureia participles.
    quake before my queue of quietly
    raiding raiders like
    silent snipers and sneaky
    talliwags. that tenasciously take
    your underwear unawares, unilaterally
    violating the voracious violence
    that wakes each warily weary wombat.

    xenophobic xylophones that xerox
    your yucky yashmaks' yarns
    zilitating your zealots under zooming Zoarasters.

    yes i am pure evil. quake before my alphabetic wrath. quake i say!!

    14 Dec 2004, 19:00

  22. Gezza

    Although i feel some alphabeticism of a much more rigorous nature is in order:

    Artificial amateurs aren't they all amazing.
    Analytically I assault animate things.
    Broken barriers bounded by the bomb beat.
    Buildings are broken basically Iím bombarding.
    Casually create catastrophes casualties
    Canceling cats got the canopies collapsing
    Detonated dime a dank, daily doing DOE.
    Demonstrations don, dot it on the down low.
    Eating other editors with each and every energetic
    Epileptic episode, elevated etiquette.
    Furious phat fabulous fantastic,
    Flurries of funk felt feeding the fanatics.
    Gift got great global goods gone glorious.
    Getting godly in this game with the glorious.
    Hit Ďem high hella hype historical
    Hey holocaust hens, Hirem, holla at your homeboy.
    Imitators idolize I intimidate
    In an instant Iíll arise in an irate state.
    Juiced on my jams like jerry curls, jockiní joints
    Justly itís just me writiní my journals.
    Kindly Iím kindling all kinds of King Kong.
    Karate kid type grits in my kingdom.
    Let me live a long life lyrically
    Lessons is learned. Lame lozenges lose to my livery.
    My mind makes marvelous moves masses.
    Marvel and move many mock what Iím passed in
    Niggas nap knowing Iím nice naturally.
    Knack never lack make noise nationally.
    Operational opposition off not optional,
    Out of sight out of mind wide aiming opticals
    Perfected poems, Powerful punch lines,
    Pummeling petty powder puffs in my prime.
    Quiet quaint quos keep quiet this quantum.
    Quarrelling got a quarterly well we got Ďem.
    Really raw raps, Rising up rapidly
    Riding the rushing radioactivity.
    Super scientifically sounds serve saw.
    Senicide super sized sounds in the saw.
    Tales ten-times talented too tough.
    Take that challengers get a tune up.
    Universal unique untouched.
    Unadulterated ,the raw uncut.
    Verb vice forb victorious valid.
    Violate vibes make a vain nigga vanish.
    Wide more well, with a wise wordsmith, just
    Weeding up words weaning off in my worship.
    Xerox my x-radiation hoes extra hoes,
    Extra large letter and xylophone poems.
    Yellow back yak back young ones yon.
    Yesterdays larn yard sell like a yarn.
    Zig-zag zombies zooming to the zenith.
    Zeroing engines on the Zen around zealots (zee-lots).

    14 Dec 2004, 19:06

  23. Gezza

    Now kids, its time to use the wonders of the alphabet some more

    —We're going to learn to read words with vowel "A" sound…. read with care

    I be the analog arsonist, aimin at your arteries
    All-seeing abstract, analyze everything
    Adding on, absolutely abolishing
    Average amateur's arsenal just astonishing

    —Next, we'll learn words that begin with letter "B"

    I be the big, bad body rockin Bombay to boulevard bully BACK
    Better bring a bomb to the battlefield
    Bloody black beats bringing bottoms that boom
    Basically build barriers bewilder buffoons

    —Listen now to words that begin with letter "C"

    Crazy character, constantly creating concontions
    Catalyst, a cannabalistic rhymes conqueror
    Correctly connecting, craniums crumble down
    Consistent capacity

    —Next we'll read words that start with letter "D"

    Done did that done did this diddle don
    Domination don't dignify diction
    Doin' it deep down dialect daring
    Doomsday dut devastate during the duration

    —Listen to our lesson for vowel "E"

    Extraterrestrial electrical, effortless
    Eons of energy, everyone affected
    Efficiently epitomize excellent
    Extravagant elevate where the essence is

    —"F" is the letter with which these words begin

    Bloggers got funk for the future filling up fiends finally
    Fabulous, furious, fatness, follow me
    Bloggers fall frequently, fact
    Verbal felon fired up federally foundation fadin' all of this wack shit

    14 Dec 2004, 19:29

  24. devious.

    14 Dec 2004, 19:44

  25. Mathew Mannion


    14 Dec 2004, 20:16

  26. I hope you die slowly, Gezza. That's a lot of poor African children who are going to go without letters this christmas. And I bet they don't even know its christmas time at all. So tonight, thank God its them instead of you.

    14 Dec 2004, 22:13

  27. James you are so mean to people, try relaxing a bit and spreading the love.

    14 Dec 2004, 22:34

  28. I can't relax, my spine is made of reinforced cardboard

    15 Dec 2004, 10:48

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