March 18, 2005

Notting Wedding Diary, Actually

An extract from the latest collaboration between Richard Curtis and Working Title Films

An office. A very foppish english stereotype fumbles with a photocopier seemingly unable to clear a simple paper jam, at all times he looks very embarrased at his incompetence. (Director’s Note: Not quite sure who should play this role). His struggles with the photocopier get more and more intense until somehow he manages to feed his tie into the machine and is forced down to his knees. At this point he finally breaks and says a very english swear word like..

Hugh Brant: Fucking Crumpets!

…just as a very important looking buisness man sheparding what looks like a hollywood starlet in a suit enters the office. The office floor is sent into stunned silence and Brant pulls his most embarrased face and splutters helplessly on his knees. The hollywood starlet looks amused. (Directors Note: Lets change this so that we cut back and forth between the buisness man and the starlet heading into the office up stairs and through corridors talking about how responsible the Brant character is and this scene)

Important looking buisness man: Brant!

Cut to a private office with the important looking man and the starlet on one side of a big desk and a humiliated looking Brant on the other. (Directors Note: Buisness man to be played by an ageing comedy legend: Stephen Fry?)

Brant: I’m er… really… er… you understand… blasted technology…I’m sorry Mr. Arnold.

Arnold: Yes, well nevermind all that Brant. This is Miss Roberts, she’s been drafted in from our New York office to try and boost the productivity of our London operations. From now on you will be reporting directly to her, she’ll also be taking your office. Any questions?

Brant: er… what… who… the… my…

Arnold: Excellent. I’ll see you next Tuesday Brant. I’m off to play golf in Hong Kong. I’m counting on you two to work closely together.

Mr. Arnold exits swinging his imaginary golf club.

Brant: The..what.. should we…er… the latest..figures..

Miss Roberts: (smiles, nearly splitting her face in two) Get out of my office.

Brant leaves looking confused and embarrased, exiting to the main office floor everyone is staring at him.

Brant: (to himself) Earl wanking grey!

We cut to Brant getting out of a taxi.

Taxi driver: Ere, me old china if I were you I’d get yerself on the dog and bone and sort out a a booking wiv tha fourty thieves. Yer hair looks like shit.

Brant: (to the speeding off taxi) What…er… the… oh .. Camilla Parker Bowles!

Another car drives past soaking Brant with muddy splashed up water, he holds his hands up despairingly before heading into his trendy Notting Hill flat. Inside its dark.

Brant: Baz! Why is it dark? Where are you.
Voice from above: Upstairs! Come and see!

Warily Brant climbs the stairs, as he reaches the top we see his expression turn to confusion and then the camera cuts to what he sees, a skinny man with wild hair, dressed only in an ill-fitting thong crouched over a metalic box with some blinking LEDs on and huge cables running into it from a nearby cupboard. (Directors Note: Baz to be played by one of these new upstart comedians; Bill Bailey?)

Brant: Baz… what are you doing?

Baz: (Passing Brant a spanner) Hold this.

An extract from later in the film.

In a trendy north london café Brant sits around sipping tea with his friends; wild nymphomaniac Katie, incredibly camp black man Neil, ageing hippy Stephen and zany house mate Baz.

Baz: Battered Cod! So that means you only have 25 minutes to stop the wedding! Thank god for the Ken Livingstone or you’d never make it. Here’s a couple of pounds for the bus! Run!

Brant: But I…the… she’d… in love with…the scandal… I couldn’t…

Neil: Oooh get on with it you big man stud darhling, the american girl obviously loves you. Now get a hustle on before I have to spank you!

Stephen: Far out man! Peace.

Katie: Oh Stephen! I’m so excited lets do it!

Baz: Go!

Brant breaks into a run as he exist the coffee house and leaps on to a nice big red london bus that happens to be driving by.

Brant: To the whitechapel church!

Driver: Sorry mate, you want the 52B. This is just the regular 52 we don’t head out that way.

Brant leaps back off the bus and waits patiently at the bus stop for five minutes playing snake on his mobile phone until the 52B pulls up.

Brant: To the whitechapel church! And step on it!

Driver: Right away guv’ner!

Outside it starts snowing in the middle of july, the street cleaners and chimney sweeps begin to dance.

- 6 comments by 2 or more people Not publicly viewable

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  1. Mathew Mannion

    A quick search for "Notting Diary, Actually" on Amazon brings this beauty…

    18 Mar 2005, 13:36

  2. Good work!

    18 Mar 2005, 13:40

  3. Wow, Dan, were you actually at the production meeting for this?! or did you secretly write the above titles and are keeping quiet about you romantic-comedy fortune?!

    18 Mar 2005, 17:14

  4. I am sadly in possession of too much self-respect to ever profit from my unerring grasp of the principles behind the quintessentially English romantic comedy.

    I'm not even sure how I came to have watched as many of them as I have, given the burning hatred for their crude artifice that lies in the black depths of my soul.

    18 Mar 2005, 17:55

  5. It is obvious that your mind is unclean. Efforts must be made to remove the taint of these foul things from your brain.

    I recommend fire.

    18 Mar 2005, 18:10

  6. I particularly like the street cleaners and chimmney sweeps breaking into song. You are doing another installment right? Does he indeed stop the wedding?

    18 Mar 2005, 21:20

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