Jailed for life
Last night, I was horribly arrested by the most oppresively long arm of the law and thrown into a stink ridden pit of jail. I write this from the laptop installed in my cell fitted with wireless broadband and the latest DVD technology. My crimes? A list of evil deeds so long, that to recount them would fill many lines and consume much more of my sorely needed internet time. Here they are:
Coming up with the subtitle for Star Wars: Episode 1, directing the video for Babycakes, the endings of the games; Quake 2, Syndicate and Half-Life 2, harbouring Lord Lucan, communism, stealing Canada, commissioning over 81 property shows for UK television, blogging, the theft of all that Irish money, Peter Andre, hiding all those weapons of mass destruction in my pants, the royal wedding, Hegel's entire philosophical system, blogs, the Zucini solution, four more years, bird flu, Michael Jackson's face, global warming, that funny smell you can't get rid of, leprosy, August the fourteenth, India, rampant nudity in the media, the spread of chav culture, axing your favourite tv show, BBC daytime soap Doctors, Religion, Sod's Guidlines, Occam's scissors, being the reason that you can't use the force despite having really tried hard, golfing attire, over enthusiastic children's tv presenters, losing your keys, masterminding The Great Milk Float Robbery, charity singles, those commercials with waaaay too much naked baby in, Sven Goran Eriksson's workman-like football style, the hype surrounding the computer game Black & White, Four Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps, the collective disappointment experienced by watching the new tv show from Chris Morris, Pokemon, the word 'alleged', the singing career of Celine Dion including the film Titanic, 50 cent and all those people I killed.
I'm not sure why I did these things I did, or how I can beg your forgiveness and understanding. I know I did wrong and now they've found me out and exposed me for the most evilest eviler of evil that ever played the theme tune to the Exorcist on some unfortunates still bloody, rib cage. As I sit down this evening to watch one of the jail's many films, from its extensive and up to date DVD collection, I'll spend a few moments, while the credits roll, thinking about what I've done and all the pain I've caused.
I hope that somehow, that's enough.
Progress on the escape tunnel is going well, their decision to house me in a japanese style cell is proving to be their undoing; I've cut through four paper walls already and the chainsaw is still sharp as ever! At this rate of progress I should be home free in a few hours, but what terrible hours of suffering they shall be, the champagne is running low and the waiter I sent to fetch more cake hasn't been seen in over ten minutes.
If I ever get out of this place I'll prove to the world that I've learned my lesson.
Don't get caught.