December 09, 2004

How to dump someone

I just realised I hadn't posted any pictures of myself for a few days so had to make this entry.
Got to maintain the award winning reputation after all. Yet, also I have made a serious face in this photo, as you can see, because tonight we are going to tackle a sensitive subject. Over my many, many years of seduction it has regretably become necessary to occasionally let the odd one go, so to speak, disentangle myself from their romantic intentions and show them to the metaphorical door leading to the inevitable corridor of single-dom. Through trial and awesome I've learned many ways to make the process easier for all involved and thought it only right to share them with you now.

Dan's guide to dumping someone

The first thing to make sure of is that you are actually going out with someone. A lot of people make a mistake in this first suprisingly difficult step and end up spending hours trying to have post break up sex with their fridge. If you are unsure about whether you are dating someone, try referring to these handy hints:

  • Do people refer to you as 'we'? Are you wearing a crown? If no to both then you may be ok; if yes to both you may be a minor monarch. If your answers are split no/yes; can I have your crown please? If they are split yes/no this is a a sure sign of a relationship, or stupidity.

  • Do you have any friends? If the answer is no, you are probably in a relationship or a regular blogger.

  • Do you keep seeing the same person every morning when you wake up? Please stop watching breakfast television, you are only making it worse.

  • Are you recieving regular sex from the same person? If yes you are probably in a relationship or some kind of pyramid scheme.

So you think you are in a relationship, but would rather be spending your evenings with someone else, _anyone else,_ whats the next step towards freedom?

  • Invite your previously beloved out to a nice dinner. Fancy restuarant, smart suit and champagne on ice. At an appropriate moment drop down on one knee and pull out the special 'You were dumped on 9th December 2004' ring you've had made. Never fails.

  • Its very important to let your very nearly former lover down carefully. I reccommend giving them a nice big parachute before pushing them out of the plane.

  • Have your soon-to-be former lover arrested for stalking. Show the police the photos of you together as evidence. Scream everytime you see them from now on.

  • Make a long list of your partners faults. Get it published. Read it out on national television. Have it written in sky writing.

  • Pretend that you have a terminal illness. Fake your own death after a few years. Have someone else's body incinerated at the funeral. Make an appearance and tell your partner that you were just trying to get away from their ugly, ugly face.

If you follow these fool-proof tips it should soon be easy to move swiftly from one lover to the next with the minimum of bothersome fuss.

Stay awesome.

- 53 comments by 2 or more people Not publicly viewable

[Skip to the latest comment]
  1. Useful tips.

    09 Dec 2004, 03:25

  2. Haha … "Trial and Awesome" :)

    09 Dec 2004, 08:33

  3. Mathew Mannion

    Very useful

    09 Dec 2004, 10:44

  4. James Hughes

    This deserves more comments, I rate this as your funniest post to date, 9.28 out of 10.

    09 Dec 2004, 10:58

  5. Feel free to tell everyone all of your own dumping stories, this is a community built on sharing.

    09 Dec 2004, 11:33

  6. Laura Kilarski

    thanks for the awesome tips – i just hope i won't have to make use of them tomorrow…

    09 Dec 2004, 12:00

  7. That sounds ominous.

    09 Dec 2004, 12:41

  8. expand my poor english vocab… ominous? pretty please.

    09 Dec 2004, 16:11


    09 Dec 2004, 16:38

  10. I always find that changing your name, moving country and removing all evidence of having ever existed is the best method. That way your formerly beloved will eventually get over the fact that she has lost someone who is so damn awesome, and will come to believe that she had just been dreaming of your perfection…

    09 Dec 2004, 17:26

  11. All the ladies are already dreaming of my perfection.

    09 Dec 2004, 18:03

  12. oh, it's the same as german "ominös" – should've known really. i'm shite at dumping people – always end up feeling bad for them though they're really not missing that much. no awesomeness, dan took it all.

    09 Dec 2004, 20:43

  13. I dreamt I was having a migraine last night. Most disturbing.

    As for the art of dumping. I recommend the good old Pavlovian method of creating an association between youself and somthing your partner hates. Maybe you should insist on watching Adam Sandler films whenever you see him/her, or always eating pungent cheese. This way they will associate you with terrible things and dump you in an attempt to get peace of mind. You win.

    10 Dec 2004, 01:32

  14. Can I just say how important it is to get in quickly and dump them before they dump you, otherwise all the careful preparations are wasted and it can very embarrassing.

    10 Dec 2004, 02:46

  15. Actually, the "Parachute" tip is totally awesome and quite a clever, almost serious metaphor!

    Why is this a popular topic at the moment? (I mean, Dan's always are) but I've read poetry besides my own and it seems split is in the air…

    I shall probably put my own tips on my blog when it's over, cos they'll be too serious to shade this beautiful blog of joy. I'm off to make that parachute…

    10 Dec 2004, 10:27

  16. Lauren

    I'm rubbish at dumping people so your tips may indeed be handy. I usually try and get them to dump me by acting distant and horrible until they ask if something is up and then I can say 'Well actually yes, I am bored with you please exit from my life'.

    I have actually done that one where you pretend you are ill, but I didnt say terminal- I was just very vague and said I didnt feel we had been together long enough (5 months) for him to have to deal with my illness so it was best we break up.

    I think the worst thing someone has said to me when they dumped me was just a plain simple "I don't like you anymore." I was just like "Oh alright, cheers, thanks a lot. Wanker".

    10 Dec 2004, 11:38

  17. Mat's Soul

    Being a Meat Loaf-esque heartbreaker myself, i have ascended into the higher echelons of the language of love, and in my high-octain lifestyle, dumping is a constant necessity, i have thus established the 10 universal scientific laws (truths) for the most efficient dumping methods, to find out these much anticipated laws, my new book ('The Efficient Dump') will hit all good books shops early in 2005 so one can be refined for the busy summer dumping season

    10 Dec 2004, 23:10

  18. I look forward to reading 'The Efficient Dump' on the toilet.

    11 Dec 2004, 16:24

  19. Mat's Soul

    if you ask nicely i shall send u a signed copy, but bear with me, this trunk is proving trickier that previously thought to manouever! i tell you what, im not used to such a large trunk, if i'd have know the difficulties, i would have thought twice before transcending pan-species. a better swap would have been with you, oh great one.

    11 Dec 2004, 17:11

  20. Luckily I have soul transferal reflector pads fitted to my elbows to ensure all such body swap attempts fail miserably.

    11 Dec 2004, 17:14

  21. Mat's Soul

    i dont care for swaps, im thinking an outright steal of the chiselled body that goes under the name of Daniel Lawrence. i know a defenceless insertion point of transition directly into your cranial cortex. your elbow transferal reflector pads will be no defence, i operate in a dimention you cannot conceive of. you may have the body of a demi-god, but your intellect is seriously flawed

    11 Dec 2004, 17:33

  22. My intellect is flawed eh? 'Dimention' boy?

    My body is too awesome for you Mr. Soul, it'd reject you in a second.

    11 Dec 2004, 18:00

  23. Mat's Soul

    Hey, ive been in Thailand a while conversing with elephants, one expects ones spelling to become a little sloppy.

    11 Dec 2004, 20:14

  24. Laura

    er…. can i just ask? are Mat and Daniel live-in-lovers? i see a lot of flirting going on… just curious

    11 Dec 2004, 20:38

  25. Mat's Soul

    With Dan's looks and hard-bod and my pan-dimenSional intellect, the gestalt would be Divine, Ambrosial, Theistic,Immaculate and Sacrosanct

    11 Dec 2004, 20:47

  26. Laura

    Crikey, chill with the thesaurus Mat, it must be love! You must love both Daniel and yourself, shall i call u Mr Supercilious?

    11 Dec 2004, 21:42

  27. Laura

    Toplofty boys

    11 Dec 2004, 21:43

  28. Mat's Soul

    The 'Toplofty Boys'?? i like the ring to that, perhaps if we market ourselves as the new pop/R&B sensation; the Toplofty Boyz, i feel we will produce smashes on a par with, and become as famous as, So-Solid Crew and Blazin' Squad!!!!!

    … And for the 4th week topping the charts, please welcome the Toplofty Boyz performing their number one smash; 'Amalgamate This…'

    11 Dec 2004, 21:50

  29. Laura

    hahahaha, that could work, and so apt for the top two cavalier, and may i be so bold as to say; effervescent bloggers here. although, So Solid Crew??? More like New Kids on the Block. But hey, i wouldnt mind catching a listen to 'Amalgamate This…'

    I just wonder what album will be called? Dat? or the more appropriate… Man?

    11 Dec 2004, 21:59

  30. Mat's Soul

    Man is our gestalt name… but i feel the link might be lost to the billions around the world that will buy the album. you have opened the proverbial copper can of worms there, what would be the perfect name for the debut album from the Toplofty Boyz??

    All suggestions will be carefully considered before the winner is unvailed in March 2005, just after the release of 'The Efficient Dump' that shall be top toilet reading around the world.

    The winner will get to spend the whole day climbing Ben Nevis with Man during the summer solstice and have the opportunity to eat an unlimited amount of 'Man-Beans' while upon the summit of our Nation's highest mountain!

    11 Dec 2004, 22:10

  31. Mark

    'The Hulk With Bulk' seems like a pretty good album name for the Toplofty Boyz

    11 Dec 2004, 22:16

  32. Mark

    or 'The Hulk's in a Sulk'? depends how manly Man is? Can Man be a bit Girly?

    11 Dec 2004, 22:19

  33. Laura

    hahahaha, I remember them photos of Man impersonating the Hulk… pleeeeeeeease let the album be called 'The Hulk With Bulk'

    Toplofty Boyz: 'The Hulk With Bulk'

    11 Dec 2004, 22:22

  34. Jan

    Toplofty Boyz: 'The Hulk With Bulk'??? what are you guys on? your mad, but piss funny, cant wait to hear album kids

    how about a collaboration? Jan & Man?

    11 Dec 2004, 22:28

  35. Mat's Soul

    "Toplofty Boyz presents their debut album….. The Hulk With Bulk"

    i might just work folks, IT MIGHT JUST WORK

    You can forget 'the Hulk's in a Sulk' though, are you forgetting the talent behind all this is MAN????

    11 Dec 2004, 22:35

  36. Mark

    wow, i didnt think my idea would take off, but thinking about it some more, i would love, as the album cover, a morphed image of 'Man's' Hulk poses.
    i wish the Toplofty Boyz every sucess in the future, and may you be even more famous than the Backstreet Boyz

    11 Dec 2004, 22:39

  37. Mat's Soul

    Backstreet Boyz my left glass eye, are u forgetting how mindblowingly cool and glodlike Man is????

    The Toplofty Boyz shall rein for a thousand years

    11 Dec 2004, 22:47

  38. Laura

    Next thing you will be telling us Man (Dat) will be the prophet of the new religion that will unite the globe!! Manism will it be called? and your songs the Gospel?

    will it really unite and bring peace to a fragmented and hostile world?

    11 Dec 2004, 22:51

  39. Mat's Soul

    Who ever said God is dead? dont listen to the Nietzsche fella, his philosophy is moot now that Manism (Datism) (is Manianity taking it too far?) offers hope for a post-postmodern age, an age of united worship of the Gestalt prophit that is Mat and Dan (Man).

    May it usher out the age of animosity and welcome in an age of the universal truths of peace and unity where we can all live as one, as equal, under the same umbrella of humanity, sheltering us from the storm of greed and power, allowing us all to endure the spiritual Gospel of the Toplofty Boyz

    11 Dec 2004, 23:02

  40. What the crap? You aren't even Mat.

    Being as awesome as I am I would only ever have a solo career.

    12 Dec 2004, 00:12

  41. Mathew Mannion

    What the fag!

    Okay I think this has gone a bit too far without me having a clue who my "soul" even is…

    12 Dec 2004, 00:36

  42. Brilliant post.

    "Invite your previously beloved out to a nice dinner. Fancy restuarant, smart suit and champagne on ice. At an appropriate moment drop down on one knee and pull out the special 'You were dumped on 9th December 2004' ring you've had made. Never fails."


    12 Dec 2004, 18:36

  43. Thanks James.

    My awesomeness knows no bounds.

    12 Dec 2004, 18:43

  44. Ben

    I think this is fucking stupid and not funny

    13 Dec 2004, 13:53

  45. I think Ben just got dumped.

    Hard luck Ben, but you know what they say, Plenty more women in the brothel.

    13 Dec 2004, 14:06

  46. James

    The best time to dump someone is in the middle of the night.
    The best place to dump them is in a lake.

    13 Dec 2004, 17:15

  47. A man who clearly speaks from experience. Approach with caution.

    13 Dec 2004, 18:58

  48. grebo

    Or how about a la simpsons….

    Welcome to dumpsville…. population you.

    I have a serious feeling of impending relocation to dumpsville myself. Any advice? Get in there first is probably the best idea….........

    12 Jan 2005, 15:34

  49. Yeah just get it out of the way and move on, not point hanging around in something thats not working out and has no future. Find yourself someone who you can be yourself with.

    12 Jan 2005, 17:43

  50. rachel

    i thought this was meant to be a site where one talks about how to dump someone either nicely or aggresively depending on how one feels. But all i see is a great deal of testosterone between two guys that obviously dont see eye to eye on things. And Mat's soul using someone elses web site to advertise your'e own book, i think is damm right insulting. Afterall you are meant to be commenting on Daniels tips for dumping and maybe even improving on them. Or am i wrong in saying this and this site is just for any random comment and discussions about forth coming wannabe R 'n' B bands??

    25 Mar 2005, 00:39

  51. Alex Gaunt

    lol, you are all crazy, but I do think that this entry is highly amusing, and will most definately be trying out some of these methods in the near future, I'll keep you updated!
    x x x

    08 Apr 2005, 16:07

  52. yo han

    You guys are mean selfish basterds and the best way to dump a girl is to convince her that she should dump you. Give her proof but not the kind of proof that wont get you laid by her hot friends you made friends with while with her….. ;o

    21 Apr 2005, 18:22

  53. chris

    you completely recked my life!
    what were you saying
    i did everything you said except the whole sick thing but it went rong and now im being lead in to denial all the girls hate me at school and some kids wont come around me because theyre afraid of getting rejected by their girlfriends
    well done
    i hope your happy
    anyone who can see this
    dont folow his instructions
    their all wrong

    04 Oct 2006, 17:40

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