February 23, 2005

Get well quick tips

As I've been laid up here in bed (thanks demons of illness, you really know how to pick the best time for me to get ill) I set my mind to thinking of some awesome ways to cure myself and others similarly afflicted:

  • Brain transplant – If the body breaks, its time for a new one.
  • Flux capacitor – Just send the offending body part back to the future.
  • Home-made surgery – That bread knife has just been waiting to fulfill its true purpose.
  • Drink acid – You'll soon forget all about that nasty cold.
  • Obtain super powers – Particularly that mutant healing factor or…
  • Vampirisim – Join the ranks of the living dead.
  • Digitize yourself – Norton Anti-virus will take care of the rest.
  • Cyborgirize your ass – nanobots, nanobots, nanobots.
  • Learn from Nietzsche – He was ill his entire life and still kicked ass.
  • Flambe – The cleansing power of fire is well documented.
  • Eye of Toad – Witchcraft should not be sneered at.
  • Scrubs – Far better than a real hospital; check me in at the Sacred Heart.
  • Fight fire with fire – Contract a worse virus to beat up the original illness for you.
  • Get drunk – Until you can no longer feel your limbs.
  • Gamma radiation – Why the hell not.

What are your healing tips?


- 22 comments by 2 or more people Not publicly viewable

[Skip to the latest comment]
  1. I shall vanquish illness with my trusty sword, Dean – just wait until I get home

    23 Feb 2005, 14:00

  2. drink echinacea, dan. its horrid.

    23 Feb 2005, 14:20

  3. Force Heal

    23 Feb 2005, 14:25

  4. Mathew Mannion

    I have the first 3 series of Scrubs somewhere, dude, I will give them to you when I find them.

    23 Feb 2005, 14:36

  5. Lemsip. It's so unbelievably foul that the mere thought that I might drink it sends my body into uber-defence mode thereby killing many germs. I've spent most of this week threatening myself with it…

    23 Feb 2005, 14:48

  6. Rob Quill

    I cant remeber what i was, but there was something awesome in Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex to do with making parts of brain cybernetic. I guess that kinda combines 1) and 7) and Ghost in the Shell is awesome. So yeh.

    Rob

    23 Feb 2005, 15:53

  7. Surgery with a bread knife? Those things are huge, blunt, serrated things — hardly suitable to the delicate job of cutting through tough organs easily, and without ripping apart your entire body. A bread knife would be even worse for surgery than it would be for homicide.

    23 Feb 2005, 16:04

  8. Have sex with a virgin.

    23 Feb 2005, 16:05

  9. Thats your solution to everything.

    23 Feb 2005, 16:20

  10. Stay in bed, watch films/tv, eat loads of unhealthy food = the perfect cure.

    23 Feb 2005, 16:34

  11. Amputation (with said bread knife)

    23 Feb 2005, 17:14

  12. Monkey Island 1 and if that doesnt cure it, 2, 3 and 4, you'll be so perplexed / or infuriated that text nagivate doesnt work, that you will forget you are ill. Otherwise, have olbas oil and warm lemon and honey on hand and wrap yourself up in a huge quilt and feel sorry for yourself for a few days…works for me!

    23 Feb 2005, 17:31

  13. i'll say it again. echinacea. it works.

    23 Feb 2005, 17:43

  14. Drink the blood of a virgin

    23 Feb 2005, 18:48

  15. Stupid question but where are you going to get a virgin from at this time of night?

    23 Feb 2005, 20:29

  16. www.24hrhotfreshvirgins.com ?

    23 Feb 2005, 21:28

  17. You use that site too? I've found the quality of their goods to be somewhat lacking, I prefer www.maidsinwaiting.org

    23 Feb 2005, 21:57

  18. hmm, monkey island

    24 Feb 2005, 00:37

  19. Put some ginger in you hot lemon and honey, and yes Echinecea does work, and if you buy the tea version (about 80p in Holland and Barratt) it doesn't taste vile.

    I believe merely shopping for chocolate raisens and random tea in health food shops will by association make me a healthier person.

    So will lots of Ale at the festival tomorrow!

    24 Feb 2005, 19:45

  20. Slight problem, in that I seem unable to leave my bed for too long.

    24 Feb 2005, 23:20

  21. yeurch no you dont want the tea. send someone to fetch some echinaid and get it over with quickly.

    25 Feb 2005, 03:15

  22. Hiphee

    Meditate, find calm and visualise your illness. Visualise your self healing. Allow yourself to become absorbed and you will find your cure.

    01 Mar 2005, 04:52


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