December 28, 2004

Dan's guide to Being Funny

As I opened another batch of my fan mail this morning, I realised how easy it would be to get one of my fans to answer it (thanks Mat) and instead spend my time educating the world to greatness. I've seen a lot of suffering in the world in the short time I've been on this earth, and now I think its time to give something back. I know that a lot of people have been having trouble with being funny lately, the cries have come from all quarters of society, giving the illusion that it is an insurmountable human problem.

Not so my friends.

There is a foolproof schema to the fine art of being funny, and all the great comedians from Hitler to the Pope have followed it to the letter. For years this guide was kept well hidden from the uninitiated and passed from humorist to humorist, some secrets from the text did slip into common currency but anyone found to have leaked them was put to death. And so it remained until last night when I bought the last copy of this ancient manuscript from a dark coated old fellow at the Cork and Slipper. Apparently after watching one too many French and Saunders Christmas specials the last great comedian killed himself, and this was found among his possesions. After hastily crossing out the title and replacing it with my own I can now bring it to you, the text has been revised steadily throughout the ages and also represents an interesting history of comedy. Digest:

Dan's Guide to Being Funny

To grasp the essential nature of funny one requires special gloves. These gloves are not bought but woven; think about it. Most of all however you need some good jokes. Here is a short list of guaranteed jokes for use in an emergency:

  • A: My dog's got no nose. B: How does he smell? A: He doesn't he's got no nose, he can stick out his tongue though and thats almost like smelling. At least for dogs it is. (at this point subtly drop your trousers).

  • An englishman, a scostman and an irishman walk into a bar. The english man says 'ouch, old chap', the scotsman says 'och aye ouch, wee laddy' and the irishman says 'Three pints of guiness please'.

  • Why did the chicken cross the road? Is a subtle metaphor for the futility of our endless search for truth. Indeed it seems to say; 'How can one know anything?' Are we not just pointless bags of flesh who's existence is ultimately fruitless and tedious? Does not the powerful symbol of the chicken symbolise man's essential cowardice in the face of everything. No doubt he is crossing the road to try and escape, and yet as we know there is no escape. Not even in death. The stupid penis.

  • Sam Boulby.

But its not all about the jokes, any fool can deliver some killer material, the secret is to deliver it with style, panache, vim, pomme de terre, va va voom, zig ah zig ah, vorsprung durch technik and most of all; with your mouth. Here are a few tips to aid in your delivery:

  • Check you are delivering a joke and not a baby. This has caused much embarrasment and confusion in the past. If in doubt look at the colour of coat you are wearing, if its black you are almost certainly a comedian.

  • Never forget your punch line. After the show people will generally line up to meet you; don't disappoint them.

  • Keep things fresh and currant. Especially your delicious buns. Have you been working out?

  • The deadpan delivery is the best there is. Killing a pan can be difficult but its worth it for the pay off.

  • Know your audience. That way if they don't like your jokes, at least you can firebomb their house.

  • K.I.S.S. Knives In Several Spleens. Don't forget this one.

There's more of course but I think that's enough for you today. Stay funky until the clock strikes awesome and I see you again.

- 10 comments by 2 or more people Not publicly viewable

[Skip to the latest comment]
  1. Your advice is duely noted and has been taken under my hat.

    28 Dec 2004, 19:29

  2. Sarah

    Northampton isnt good for you.
    People should be warned

    28 Dec 2004, 19:30

  3. People are always warned in advance of my coming so they can prepare the parades.

    28 Dec 2004, 19:43

  4. Mathew Mannion

    It's true, I answer all of Dan's fanmail. A normal reply goes like this:

    Dear Nick,

    Please stop sending Dan bits of your poo.


    Mat c/o Dan The Awesome Man

    In fact, after the first 3, I just sent that to everyone.

    28 Dec 2004, 21:55

  5. Yes, you can stopped sending it to me now. Why you keep including that portrait of you in the turtle costume is beyond me.

    29 Dec 2004, 00:00

  6. I shall print this out and mail it to my standup comedian cousin… who will ignore it as he's been nominated for the Perrier Award. Three times. The git.

    29 Dec 2004, 00:12

  7. Ooh the famous chap. I bet he is fun at christmas.

    29 Dec 2004, 00:37

  8. Mathew Mannion

    Stop sending yourself fanmail then, Dan.

    29 Dec 2004, 12:49

  9. I'll stop sending it when I stop asking for it!

    29 Dec 2004, 17:40

  10. Mathew Mannion

    That's confusing

    30 Dec 2004, 03:53

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