December 16, 2004

Dan's guide to having dinner with a tiger

As I was enjoying a delicious dinner the other day with my good friend Herman, sipping on a fine Merlot and discussing the issues of the day, it came to me that many people will never get to enjoy such a wonderful evening.

Tigers make excellent dinner companions, always ready with a quick witticism or a nugget of timeless wisdom, their outstanding awareness of all issues political and philosophical means they are never short of an opinion. Yet, like many such special creatures on this wonderful planet; tigers have another side. They are extremely sensitive to social faux pas, make the wrong move in the presence of a tiger and you are dead meat, socially speaking. A tiger will ignore you for weeks after the slightest miss-step, and their respect is not easily won back.

All however is not lost, as an experienced diner with our stripey feline bretheren I can offer you invaluable pearls of awesome sense that will keep you in any tiger's good books. Please sit up and listen carefully, I will say this only once.

Dan's guide to having dinner with a tiger

The first and most important thing to remember is your pre dinner preparations. Tigers will appreciate the finest restaurants (make sure there are plenty of vegetarian options available) and a substandard eatery just will not do. A tiger will not even turn up for the likes of Mc Donalds or Jamie Oliver. This is not the only important consideration however, you must also ensure that your own appearance is in a suitable condition to be seen out with such a magnificent fellow. Tigers like hats, especially top hats.

Assuming you have managed to get the restaurant right and styled yourself appropriately; for awesomes sake remember to turn up on time! There is nothing a tiger hates more than a lack of punctuality.

So you've managed to avoid messing everything up so far, you've sat down at the table with you new tiger friend and the time has come to order. Most tigers will ask you to order for them pretending that they can't pick up the small menu with their oversized paws. This is in fact a clever ruse, the tiger is testing you. Based on the meal you select for yourself and the tiger he will form an almost total picture of your character:

  • Red meat for the tiger, salad for you – The tiger will interpret this as a sign that you are unimaginative, puny and worthy of dining only with rats. Usually he will leave immediately through the window in a single bound.

  • A fish meal for the tiger, the same for you – This selection will make the tiger respect you on the surface but under his placid exterior he will secretly loathe you for your black hearted soul. You will never become closer than business partners.

  • Crab for the tiger, lobster for you – An almost perfect choice, the tiger will relax immediately and begin discussing the merits of the euro. You have shown him your true understanding in the finer points of food ettiquete.

We are nearly there, you are at the table tucking into your delicious lobster and conversation is flowing freely, there only remain a few general tips to ensure that you both have a pleasant, enjoyable evening:

  • Don't mention Indian politics. The asian subcontinent is very close to all tiger's hearts and it is easy to offend a tiger with an uninformed contribution to the political process there.

  • Keep the cage door firmly locked.

  • Don't be tempted to stroke that lovely stripey coat. This is very bad manners, most tigers will initially seem to ignore the grave insult but will refuse to speak to you ever again afterward.

  • Do not on any account respond to any requests to inspect the tigers wisdom teeth.

  • Stay away from religious discussions if you are easily offended; tigers are renowned for their scathing critiques of the religious establishment. They may also lose crucial respect for you if they discover you have faith based leanings. Tigers are creatures of science.

  • If your hallucinogenic drugs start to wear off at any time; make your excuses and leave.

I hope these tips have been useful and allow you to make some good new friends, but remember; a tiger is for life, not just for christmas.

- 20 comments by 2 or more people Not publicly viewable

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  1. Remember to make eye contact with your dinner companion, this skillful maueuver will show that you are not afraid of him, however do not let it linger too long or it may be percieved as an amorous advence

    16 Dec 2004, 10:51

  2. Sarah

    So tigers are easily offended? Seems to me many of those tiger etiquette tips could apply to women. We are equally sensitive, though not over indian politics.

    A good lesson methinks.

    Random blog commenting is such a fine way to pass the working day.

    16 Dec 2004, 10:55

  3. Mum

    In my experience tiger's prefer their dinner companions shaved and with nicely combed hair. Also, isn't it about time you went out and found some sex?

    16 Dec 2004, 10:57

  4. An excellent and suprisingly useful guide.


    Awesomely Yours


    16 Dec 2004, 10:59

  5. Mum: I will if you lend me some money. However I will never change my hair.

    Thanks Andy and the others for your excellent comments.

    16 Dec 2004, 11:10

  6. Mathew Mannion

    You rock

    16 Dec 2004, 11:12

  7. Anna

    Your MUM wants you to go out and find some sex?!?! Wow!

    If you like dining with tigers, read "The Life of Pi". It's about a boy and a tiger, stranded in the middle of the Pacific on a lifeboat.

    16 Dec 2004, 12:07

  8. I have read the life of Pi. Tigers do not approve.

    16 Dec 2004, 13:40

  9. Mum

    Get a hair cut boy, this is not the 60's any more son

    16 Dec 2004, 15:58

  10. Mathew Mannion

    Dan = pwned

    16 Dec 2004, 16:07

  11. Poor poor Danny we don't see him anymore
    Cos when his mummy cut his hair
    He accidentally got stabbed in the FACE.

    16 Dec 2004, 16:11

  12. Mum, get off the blogs and go to work.

    16 Dec 2004, 16:16

  13. Anna

    What do Tigers not approve of? Is it the Life of Pi? If so, why?

    16 Dec 2004, 18:38

  14. It is a religious allegory. Tigers are men of science.

    16 Dec 2004, 19:27

  15. The things you say make sense Dan. I understand them.

    16 Dec 2004, 20:20

  16. Mathew Mannion

    Woah, that's deep. Like a giant's footprint. About 3 feet.

    16 Dec 2004, 20:52

  17. Are female tigers 'men of science' too? Or do you only dine with male tigers?

    Awesome illustrative efforts once more.

    17 Dec 2004, 01:06

  18. There are no female tigers; they are tigresses.

    17 Dec 2004, 01:21

  19. How do tigers feel about chicken based dishes?

    17 Dec 2004, 01:37

  20. They secretly admire your panache but are ultimately disgusted by your follicles.

    17 Dec 2004, 13:51

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