Big Blogger: Day 24
8.30 am all is quiet in the Big Blogger bedroom as everyone is still asleep, except Nick who is practicing the crouching badger defensive stance in the garden. Big Blogger elects to play Christina Aguilera’s Dirrty to wake up the bloggers. James doesn’t get out of bed, but can be seen obviously singing. There appears to be a giant 20-man brawl under his quilt.
Dan: Either that or he’s just pleased to see me. Oh wait, I can’t hear that voice.
Simon: Arghhhhhhhhhh! I can’t stand it any longer.
10.00 All the housemates are now awake, even James. Simon is in the Diary Room with a box of tissues.
Simon: (near tears) I really can’t stand it any longer! All the dirt coming from Mat, its disgusting, he’s like a huge pile of germinating germs, festering and swelling and pulsating and… writhing ooh, wait… yeah. Oh yeah…writhing naked. Naked…ahh ohh… Mmmm…Oh. Thanks, Big Blogger.
Big Blogger: Please remove any used items from the diary room Simon.
10.30 The Blogger’s shopping has arrived, Mat and Dan dance excitedly into the storeroom and play with the tomatoes, they are squirting everywhere. Sam and Nat are ’just talking, not fondling’ in the hot topic spa outside. Nick is hiding in the bushes watching James, watching himself sunbathing. James is breathing very heavily.
Dan: I like tomatoes.
Mat: I like you, Dan.
Dan: Steady on…
3.00 Big Blogger has called the Bloggers onto the sofas for the weekly nominations. Chris is smarming all over Natalie, Sam is getting angsty.
Chris: Did I tell you all about the time I met Shaggy?
Sam: Only about thirty times, you shit…
Mat: I’m a turtle.
Big Blogger: Could Andy come to the diary room.
Andy: Awesome, here I go.
Dan: Nggg… catchprase… becoming… overused… powers waning.
Nicky: (Sitting under the table stroking his squashed hair ball in a bowl) He will rise again…
Holly: Woah! So that’s where he is. This reminds me of a time last winter when the leaves blew gently across the moors of Cheshire. I was alone walking when it struck me how the incredible power of…
Mat: Yeah totally… Oops. Too early.
Holly gets her patented Mat Prodder® out and runs after Mat, who is screaming like a hot cheerleader in that one pornographic video I watched. I mean, that er, Mat watched and told me about. Big Blogger reminds the inmates to stay on the sofas
Big Blogger: Could Chris come to the diary room.
8pm with all the housemates having nominated this evening everyone is feeling well relieved; especially James. They’re all running around like little bunnies. Ahhhh.
Kieran: (throwing a pizza) In your face Dan!
Dan:(doing something awesome with flannel berries) Not my face, my beautiful face! Anything but the face…Back off James.
Chris: Hey Sam! Shaggy taught me some moves to use on your woman. (to Nat) I’m Mr. Lover, lover, I’m Mr. Boombastic. Oh Carolina! I got all the tunes baby.
Sam: Hey Chris! I’ll chew your ears off if you touch her.
Chris:(shaggy voice) It wasn’t me!
Mat: I’m a turtle!
James: Simon, you look desperate for sex. Will you be in my fan club?
Simon: I’m desperate, but not that desperate.
James: Bah. Screw you.
Nick: (crawling across the roof) Noone ever expects ‘The Shadow’. Ahaha ahahhaa.
Nick leaps off the roof onto Nicky’s back and in a single motion swipes Underbeard® and makes off into the night. Nat and Holly are sitting on the decking watching the excitement. Nicky collapses to his knees sobbing.
Holly: Why do we talk to these idiots again?
Nat: I forget the reason but I’m certain it was a really big one.
Dan: Did someone say ‘big one’?
Nat: Please let it be a really good reason.
Mat, Sam, Dan, and Nick are seen playing kiss-chase in the garden. Somewhere James is losing.