All entries for Tuesday 28 December 2004

December 28, 2004

At long last the drought is over…

Writing about A Warwick Blogs Lamentation from The random scribblings of a diseased imagination

After reading the gnashing and wailings of a blog system in crisis at first I was afraid, I was petrified. How could I live without blogs by my side? But then I spent so many nights thinking how I did them wrong, and I grew strong. I knew what had to be done.

Thats right bloggers, I know you come here for one thing and one thing only. Frankly, its about time I took a few lessons from our good friends at Ronseal and gave you exactly what you have been craving so long.

Hey ladies, the awesome is back in town and he's looking for some special time, with one, two or three of you. At once, all night. Then maybe if you're lucky all morning too. There's plenty of time and I'll treat you right, all of you.

With hair as awesome as this its no wonder you are powerless to resist. A lot of people ask me what my secret is, well I'll let you in on a little secret: there is no secret. I'm all natural baby and ready to roar like a lion. Untamed and wild.

I think the holiday season has been getting everyone down a little. The air is all cold and chilly, its a bit lonely with none of your good uni friends around, and whats this? Dan hasn't posted his MSN address? I can see why you are distressed. Hapiness is near: Hey MSN not your bag? Why not send me an email: I'll inject a little slice of the supreme into your everyday inbox.

Little brother giving you trouble? Lost your trusty beating stick? There's no better time than now to pick up a sale copy of my bestselling autobiography. Beats the blues, and in hardback, it beats your brother too.

Thats it just take a moment, breathe in the fresh, healing air. People don't take enough time to do things slowly these days, too much time is spent rushing from place to place. I say; 'Hold on, lets take a minute. Hey I'm looking good, taking it slow and keeping it light, tight and pirate like'. There's a bit of a quest for deep meaning and a striving for whats underneath, but the big joke is; there's no salad, it's all dressing.

I have pretty amazing teeth. What I'm trying to say is, sure have your deep chats about indie rock and the meaning of existence, I'm right there with you. But remember life's a game, if you're not having fun you're losing. Habits are fine if you keep them brief. Being awesome is just a state of mind, a blind confidence in your self. Of course it helps looking this good…

But thats not the whole picture. The biggest problem you'll face is wrestling with your own loneliness, being awesome can have its own daemons. Some people can't stand it and they get out of the game too early, taking refuge in small comforts, but these will never fulfill you. Until you find your own style and are comfortable with yourself you'll always be ugly.

So maybe you're thinking 'what the hell?'. Dan's found some new kind of drug and he's not sharing. That's not the deal here. I'm outlining my manifesto. Right there, all around you, is a precious thing. Maybe the most amazing thing you ever had, its a chance. Right now you can change anything in your life, don't let fear hold you back. Except fear of big things that will really kill you dead. Those you should avoid.

'Oh dear' you think; Dan just doesn't understand my situation, he's a sadly deluded idealist. My strategy of just sitting here and taking it is so much better, its bound to pay off sooner or later. Then who will be laughing?
I've got news for you pal. This is the news:


Hope that works out for you, but if you get bored I've got a barrel load of awesome and I'm willing to share, grab a glass and drink yourself special. For now, enough. Until the next time my good friends, I've been your awesome and this has been an overload of visual excitment.

Dan's guide to Being Funny

As I opened another batch of my fan mail this morning, I realised how easy it would be to get one of my fans to answer it (thanks Mat) and instead spend my time educating the world to greatness. I've seen a lot of suffering in the world in the short time I've been on this earth, and now I think its time to give something back. I know that a lot of people have been having trouble with being funny lately, the cries have come from all quarters of society, giving the illusion that it is an insurmountable human problem.

Not so my friends.

There is a foolproof schema to the fine art of being funny, and all the great comedians from Hitler to the Pope have followed it to the letter. For years this guide was kept well hidden from the uninitiated and passed from humorist to humorist, some secrets from the text did slip into common currency but anyone found to have leaked them was put to death. And so it remained until last night when I bought the last copy of this ancient manuscript from a dark coated old fellow at the Cork and Slipper. Apparently after watching one too many French and Saunders Christmas specials the last great comedian killed himself, and this was found among his possesions. After hastily crossing out the title and replacing it with my own I can now bring it to you, the text has been revised steadily throughout the ages and also represents an interesting history of comedy. Digest:

Dan's Guide to Being Funny

To grasp the essential nature of funny one requires special gloves. These gloves are not bought but woven; think about it. Most of all however you need some good jokes. Here is a short list of guaranteed jokes for use in an emergency:

  • A: My dog's got no nose. B: How does he smell? A: He doesn't he's got no nose, he can stick out his tongue though and thats almost like smelling. At least for dogs it is. (at this point subtly drop your trousers).

  • An englishman, a scostman and an irishman walk into a bar. The english man says 'ouch, old chap', the scotsman says 'och aye ouch, wee laddy' and the irishman says 'Three pints of guiness please'.

  • Why did the chicken cross the road? Is a subtle metaphor for the futility of our endless search for truth. Indeed it seems to say; 'How can one know anything?' Are we not just pointless bags of flesh who's existence is ultimately fruitless and tedious? Does not the powerful symbol of the chicken symbolise man's essential cowardice in the face of everything. No doubt he is crossing the road to try and escape, and yet as we know there is no escape. Not even in death. The stupid penis.

  • Sam Boulby.

But its not all about the jokes, any fool can deliver some killer material, the secret is to deliver it with style, panache, vim, pomme de terre, va va voom, zig ah zig ah, vorsprung durch technik and most of all; with your mouth. Here are a few tips to aid in your delivery:

  • Check you are delivering a joke and not a baby. This has caused much embarrasment and confusion in the past. If in doubt look at the colour of coat you are wearing, if its black you are almost certainly a comedian.

  • Never forget your punch line. After the show people will generally line up to meet you; don't disappoint them.

  • Keep things fresh and currant. Especially your delicious buns. Have you been working out?

  • The deadpan delivery is the best there is. Killing a pan can be difficult but its worth it for the pay off.

  • Know your audience. That way if they don't like your jokes, at least you can firebomb their house.

  • K.I.S.S. Knives In Several Spleens. Don't forget this one.

There's more of course but I think that's enough for you today. Stay funky until the clock strikes awesome and I see you again.

December 2004

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