All entries for Thursday 23 December 2004

December 23, 2004

Dan's guide to meeting old friends

'Tis the season to be jolly, so we are told. However as every student knows; 'tis also the season to be reunited with your old school friends from back home. Often this process can be fraught with sadness and disappointments, as we take time to compare our own meagre experiences to the exciting and incredible things our old friends seem to have seen and done.

No more.

I have been in your situation my friends and I bring glad tidings, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that light is me. Presenting:

Dan's guide to meeting old friends

No doubt while you were at uni, despite the blood oaths you swore at the time, you will have completely lost touch with all your school friends and only just barely remember their insulting nicknames. Use this to your advantage, if you don't know anything about what they've been doing then, chances are, they won't know what you've been doing either. Unless they know that you know what they know that you don't know that they know what you know about why they know about when they knew who they knew. I'm sure that won't come up. So lie.

  • One of the first questions you'll be asked upon meeting up with your old friends is: "So, what have you been up to?" Its important at this point to exaggerate. If you've not left your room this term reply thusly "I broke my party bones from partying so hard, the doctor of love said to take some time off so I had a beer to celebrate. Wahey! I'm crazy up for it. Aiiiight", multiply any numbers in your answers by at least six: "She had the most amazing dozen of breasts you've ever seen!" and if in doubt superlatives "I had the biggest pint of beer there's ever been!"

  • Remember since you've been to university you are now immune to fire. Use this power responsibly.

  • It is vital that you appear to be an interesting person. Wear a saucepan on your head, insist it is the latest fashion at university. If you're in a pub ask the barman for a "Catepillar Sunrise", claim it contains live catepillars. Have a hat.

  • Don't lose your funny. Keep it in your sock. Stroke it occasionally.

  • Since you've been at univesity everyone expects you to be incredibly clever and full of deep thoughts. Do not shatter their illusions. Ask questions like "But what is the hidden transient meaning of kebab?" and "Can we ever understand truly understand the limits of man's ability to dance?"

  • Sex.

Enjoy meeting your friends. Don't forget you won't see them again for another ten weeks by which time they'll have forgotten everything you said and did. Probably.

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