All entries for Wednesday 22 December 2004

December 22, 2004

Dan's Twelve Amazing Feats Of Wonder

Welcome to your daily dose of funny. Open wide.

People often ask me exactly why I deserve all the awards I constantly recieve, then they see me and they don't ask any more questions except; "can I have your phone number?" But I thought it was high time to give you further justification, because I know that you, my dear blog fans, deserve a fuller explanation. The following list of my stunning achievements should eliminate any doubt that remains in your mind, please don't make me your king, I ask only for your company and £9.99 a month. Non-refundable. Everything here is completely true and accurate, it happened exactly as written.

Dan's Twelve Amazing Feats Of Wonder

  • Defeating the black hearted, pirate-ninja crew of the Brutal Bounty single handed, while blindfolded and tied to a buxom wench… Would have been child's play compared to the terrors I faced when I endured BBC 1 filler soap 'Doctors' all the way through.

  • Staying at Sam's house and leaving with all my limbs.

  • Walking all the way from The Kremlin to Hollywood, killing Hitler, defeating the communist threat, solving the mystery of Lord Lucan, inventing the cure for cancer, stopping the movements of the celestial bodies with the gravitational pull of my own genius and all, this is the clincher, without having drunk a drop of alcohol.

  • Creating a work of art so disturbing that to see it is to be driven mad. Interestingly it doesn't feature cats.

  • Facing down a horde of charging elephants with nothing more than a cocky glance and a tipping of my outlandish hat. If you can't take the heat get out of Africa, I say. They nominated me as their chieftain soon after; Wouldn't you?

  • Inventing the world's only irresistable chat up line.

  • Defeating a dragon with a stick of celery. Its a long story, I will never touch a Dickens novel ever again. Lets leave it at that.

  • Managing to never, ever see Titanic.

  • Being the first man in space to open a traditional english pub. I called it "The Awesome Space Pub". It serves beer and very occasionally sandwiches.

  • Crossing the boundries between truth and illusion, myth and reality, the infinite unknown and the concrete actuality of the now. Soon afterward I stopped playing tiddlywinks.

  • Building a tower that reached up into the heavens, scaling its very greatest heights and punching Jesus right in his big, everloving face.

  • Travelling into the future and discovering that my cult of followers had taken over the world. They still worshipped my immortal form, which now had several new cybernetic arms and a really awesome hat.

Thanks for stopping by. Please collect your coats from the cloakroom and don't forget the real secret of awesome.

Do come again.


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