All entries for Monday 13 December 2004

December 13, 2004

Oh nuts, I'm home and its not as awesome as I thought

Not really of course.

Anywhere with me in it is uncountably awesome.

As all regular bloggers know there is little more painful than the dreaded time every few weeks when you have to drag yourself to the keyboard, mind empty of funny, interesting or even stupid things, and attempt to construct a blog entry out of the ashes of your once mighty blogging skills. As someone who never, ever suffers from this problem I am uniquely qualified to give you an insight into a creative process so infallible you can't fail to produce top notch blog entries every single time. While I can't reveal all the secrets of my amazing blogging skills I can provide you with a few pointers:

Dan's Guide to Blogging Well

  • None of that angsty crap. Thats right, noone wants to hear about how you hate yourself, the world, lemurs and small bits of paper with "Open slice" written on them. Unless of course its really, very, very funny or you have a talent for writing that can make your suffering seem noble and profound. If you are feeling angsty and find yourself drawn to a blog screen stop, take a few moments to consider how horrible blogs are… there, now you hate blogs as well and can go and think about your self loathing elsewhere. Try therapy.

  • Dnt spk lk ths cos u r tryn t sve lttrs. There isn't some kind of global letter shortage, in fact last time I checked thats one of the few things we have an oversupply of. If you had the intellect of sub par morons than I could understand being unable to form complete words let alone sentences; but you are here, at university. There is just no excuse. Next time you find yourself typing 'u' instead of 'you' in a blog think of a hamster being fired against a wall. That's what I'm going to do if I read your sentence.

  • Get very, very drunk. The best blog ideas are sired by alcohol and its dark mistress 3am.

  • Consider your audience. If you want to make a funny blog entry, look around at the people you see on campus. The ones with the all the creases and bleary eyes. What do they need? What do they want? Careful not to stare too long into their eyes for their eyes may stare back into you. Their eyes may contain lasers.

  • A picture is an acceptable substitute for a thousand words. For instance looking at the average picture of me the word awesome will appear in your mind roughly nine hundred and fifty times. Everyone likes a good funny picture, even better if you draw it yourself.

  • Steal. The best ideas have already been thought of, take them, caress them, make them yours. It feels good.

  • If in doubt: Ninjas, pirates, robots or sex will always get you a few readers. Should be used regularly to spice up boring passages; E.g.
    "Yesterday I went shopping for PIRATE shoes when, as I was walking back, I bumped into my good NINJA friend Malcom with his good old ROBOT dog barney! We had a good old chat and ended up back at his place, he took me up to his room and we settled down on his bed for some nice biscuits"

  • Don't infilitrate my thoughts and steal my goddamn robot idea. I'm looking at you Sam, with your mind reading gloves.

Thats enough for now.

December 2004

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