All entries for Thursday 09 December 2004

December 09, 2004

How to dump someone

I just realised I hadn't posted any pictures of myself for a few days so had to make this entry.
Got to maintain the award winning reputation after all. Yet, also I have made a serious face in this photo, as you can see, because tonight we are going to tackle a sensitive subject. Over my many, many years of seduction it has regretably become necessary to occasionally let the odd one go, so to speak, disentangle myself from their romantic intentions and show them to the metaphorical door leading to the inevitable corridor of single-dom. Through trial and awesome I've learned many ways to make the process easier for all involved and thought it only right to share them with you now.

Dan's guide to dumping someone

The first thing to make sure of is that you are actually going out with someone. A lot of people make a mistake in this first suprisingly difficult step and end up spending hours trying to have post break up sex with their fridge. If you are unsure about whether you are dating someone, try referring to these handy hints:

  • Do people refer to you as 'we'? Are you wearing a crown? If no to both then you may be ok; if yes to both you may be a minor monarch. If your answers are split no/yes; can I have your crown please? If they are split yes/no this is a a sure sign of a relationship, or stupidity.

  • Do you have any friends? If the answer is no, you are probably in a relationship or a regular blogger.

  • Do you keep seeing the same person every morning when you wake up? Please stop watching breakfast television, you are only making it worse.

  • Are you recieving regular sex from the same person? If yes you are probably in a relationship or some kind of pyramid scheme.

So you think you are in a relationship, but would rather be spending your evenings with someone else, _anyone else,_ whats the next step towards freedom?

  • Invite your previously beloved out to a nice dinner. Fancy restuarant, smart suit and champagne on ice. At an appropriate moment drop down on one knee and pull out the special 'You were dumped on 9th December 2004' ring you've had made. Never fails.

  • Its very important to let your very nearly former lover down carefully. I reccommend giving them a nice big parachute before pushing them out of the plane.

  • Have your soon-to-be former lover arrested for stalking. Show the police the photos of you together as evidence. Scream everytime you see them from now on.

  • Make a long list of your partners faults. Get it published. Read it out on national television. Have it written in sky writing.

  • Pretend that you have a terminal illness. Fake your own death after a few years. Have someone else's body incinerated at the funeral. Make an appearance and tell your partner that you were just trying to get away from their ugly, ugly face.

If you follow these fool-proof tips it should soon be easy to move swiftly from one lover to the next with the minimum of bothersome fuss.

Stay awesome.

December 2004

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