All entries for Monday 04 April 2005

April 04, 2005

The re–education of womenfolk

It has become necessary to re-educate the young hetrosexual female population of the world so that they; not only choose to date the nicest and most studly guys who treat them good but also appreciate the deployment of a well timed Carter Maneuver.

We all know about the existence of intellectual whores and the all pervasiveness of the ladder theory; but henceforth we menfolk have just sat idly by. No More

Class is in session. Lessons shall begin shortly.

I love you Mat (In a man–manly way) and some other stuff

Writing about web page

So, the other evening I watched one of the most godawful movies that ever managed to wangle its way into production. The premise, was a cross between Commando and the good parts of 2001: A Space Odyssey a not unattractive combination. Yet somehow I knew things wouldn't unfold quite so promisingly, cunningly nestled, as the whole enterprise was, under the banner of; Universal Soldier: The Return. Starring the acting talents of Jean Claude Van Damme and WWF wrestler Bill Goldberg (managed the line; "I hate that guy"), featuring a suicidally insane reporter and delivering the most gratituitous strip club scene ever. The punning was rubbish which was unforgivable, but as with all incredibly bad movies, it was immmensely watchable (and not just because of the strip club part).

Anyway, I seem to be really, very, totally near to finally wrapping up the practical part of my CS project some 3–4 weeks late. I really suck at coding, hopefully I'm proportionally better at writing and can accelerate the production of my, so far barely considered, final report. This has been occupying my time to a hideously large extent and I expect its still rubbish because in the end I'm just not that good at coding. Though by the end of this I'll be better than I was before I started and thats something to take away with me. Nietzschean y'see.

I also watched another of the endless '100/50/10/The greatest/best/essential/worst/rudest songs/films/tv/people/80's ever' shows that seem to populate our screens with considerable regularity. Hoping to match my current favourite in the genre, "100 (or 50?) greatest power ballads" with a new contender the promisingly named "50 greatest comedy sketches". Indeed the show did contain many excellent sketches, but as always the rankings were skewed by current flavour of the month voting. Such that 'Little Britain', despite being only averagely funny, placed very high overall and took the top spot with a hardly uproarious sketch about a swimming pool. The show did, however, inspire to start jotting down any sketch ideas that I had forming in my head into a little book so I can retain my comic genius for future generations.

Also, the new Doctor Who was about 60% awesome 30% cheese and 10% chav/charve (for you righteous newcastle fellas). I loved psychic paper as the ultimate low budget sci-fi prop.

The real reason for this blog however is to express my man manly love for my dear housemate Mat. In our house of trouser, Mat's door is closest to mine and oft times I can hear the dulcet tones of his beautiful singing voice or the comforting tippety tap of his typing toes floating through the thin wall that divides us (and handily stops him from seeing me dancing around naked). Now as I sit at home with only my own (admittedly stunning) voice to listen to, I realise how much I love my good friend Mat in a man manly way. I've tried sticking an exam beard and phallus hair on my brother but its just not the same.

No, dearest Mat, you are truly the only fellow who can melt my heart in a single t'd Mat way. If I ever have some trubling network issues or a desperate need to print out a large size picture of my face, you are there with your amazing technical wizardry. You press buttons and keys like you are caressing a beautiful man (not me of course this is all very man manly) and soothe even the most persistant and troublesome of computer woes. Your are truly my most foremost technical wizard (in a 5 meter radius).

Yet, let us not pretend you are a master only of all things digital, for while the width of your widescreen television is matched only by the girth of your enormous schlong, there are many more dimensions to your friendly household Mat. For a start he continually beats everyone else in the house with his amazing console game skills, even recently topping the F1 league in the competition he designed. Wait, that sounds a bit suspicious, I assure you he is completely above board and just happens to be very good at all things game related and particularly F1. Yes.

Mat also introduced us to our sixth and most attractive housemate; poor Milena, when will she learn to control that hosepipe. I believe this reveals only a chink of his true powers for Mat is in fact the darkly mysterious superhero; Lady Killer Stud Biscuit by night! Yes, many are the evenings when we are all sitting around or getting ready for a night out and Mat has to rush away for some not-quite-convincing reason. Well, my dear blog readers, this is not because he just hates our fat ugly faces, no indeed. Mat is in fact rushing off to stir the beating hearts of lucky ladies from across the world. Its frankly difficult to keep track of all the ladies who are in love with Mat, I know I can't remember all their names and I'm awesome. Sure sometimes they seem to get him down for a while, but one thing you can count on, before the month is out there will be another thirty or so willing womenfolk desperate to get a piece of the stud biscuit to dip in their tea.

He's also a bitching nice, funny guy and a kickass friend. So I wrote him this poem:


I love your name,
So does my cat,
Your photo in a frame,
My dearest Mat.

So much easier to rhyme,
Than friend Natalie,
Plenty of time,
To read Lady Chatterly.

You keep me warm,
Amongst the hay,
Your manly form,
Really, I'm not gay.

Your guitar skills,
Are based in the air,
But they still give me thrills,
So I don't care.

You're a lovely chap,
My dearest Mat,
So don't get in a flap,
Keep wearing that happy hat.

In an entirely separate note, I appear to be the pope for a month. As my first command I would like to appoint Mat as official pope for the week and hand over my other prizes to him because frankly as an evil hell child I'd make a terrible pope.

And to continue the game of Charades, a film, four words:

Keep it awesome.

April 2005

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