All entries for Wednesday 01 December 2004

December 01, 2004

Dan's Guide to Good Essay writing

I've recently realised that I know very little about popular music. A shameful situation for a radio personality like myself. To correct this fault, last night I was up till the wee hours attempting to educate myself. I have now learnt that Justin Timberlake, despite having a crap name that sounds like a sweatshirt, sings some decent pop tunes.

As a result, today I got up very late and found that suddenly everyone wants to talk about essays. Must have been a memo I missed. Seeing as I am a kind and generous soul I decided that it was high time the students of Warwick University learnt my secret essay tips:

Dan's Guide to Good Essay Writing

Essay Do's

  • Always include a beginning, middle and an end. Your name would just look silly without them.

  • Draw pictures. A picture is worth a thousand words. Exploit this saying. Draw four pictures and hand them in.

  • Sentences finishing with exclamation marks count double. Include! Lots!

  • Always remember: word counts include all MSN conversations, text messages, e-mails, blog entrys and cereal packets you read and wrote while in "the process" of writing the essay.

  • Always read the question. This makes it easier to change it to fit your essay.

  • Preparation is vital. If you don't stock up on food, beer and films you might find yourself with nothing to procrastinate with. This may result in your essay being handed in on time, you do not want this. Never heard of the saying fashionably late? You do want to be cool don't you?

  • Always make sure you have a good argument. You'll need it when you have to persuade your tutor to raise your mark.

Essay Don't's

  • Never plan your essay. The main point of essay writing is to be original and how are you ever going to manage that if you keep preemting yourself. Plunge straight in. This also saves lots of valuable time under exam conditions, allowing you to finish early and try to distract the other candidates, lowering everyone else's marks and making you look better.

  • Don't proofread your essay. This is very bad luck and will only remind you of the essays numerous faults and possibly induce a kind of fatal despair.

  • Don't forget your references. All Simpson's quotes, League of Gentlemen paraphrases and your best mate Kevin's brilliant ideas should be catalogued and included.

  • Don't forget to steal sections of your essay from the internet. Thats what it was invented for. Your tutor will be impressed by the demonstration of your IT skills and give you bonus marks.

I hope that helps clear up any problems you may be having.

December 2004

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