March 12, 2009


We returned home from the convent to find Goldilocks sleeping in Dan’s bed. Goldilocks on this occasion took the form of an Australian backpacker. He had also, rather unhelpfully, piled all remaining mattresses and “borrowed” Dave’s sheets. Having dislodged the intruder, we tried to get some sleep but were confounded by the hostel “buzz”. Neither of us felt it our place to exercise our international residential authority on this occasion.

At 1am, Dan was woken by a vengeful Goldilocks who drawled “alright, you’ve had your sleep, now get on out of here”.

We departed for the airport at 2am. Dave forgot his shoes.

On reaching Cusco, we were met at the airport – thank God as otherwise, we had no idea where to go – by a man holding a sign for “Daniel Metcalfe and David Border”. You can’t have everything.

He drove us to a very spacious flat and left us with instructions that someone else would telephone. This reassured us until we realised that we did not know where we were, where anything else was, or how to contact anyone. All we knew for sure is that we were at 11,000ft, somewhere in the Peruvian Andes.

To make matters worse; the microwave, cooker, water cooler, and multiple lights did not work. There were no plates or cutlery. And we had no food. The only person to make contact so far has been the telephone company threatening sanctions for non-payment of the telephone bill. Dan placated them in near-flawless Spanish: “I speak no Spanish, only me, my friend and our no Spanish”. Needless to say they have not called back.

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