All entries for Friday 27 January 2006

January 27, 2006

Bring Me My Nobel Prize

As everyone knows, biscuits are the best thing about the world. Never mind the usual crap about family, friends, love, human endeavour. Eventually, it all boils down to biscuits.

Unfortunately, the world is not a perfect place. Lots of bad things happen. For example, when you drive too far past the car park ticket machine and you have to open the door to reach the scanner. Terrible.

And so, because of this Bad world/Good biscuits relationship, biscuit based crime is inevitable. It is a fact of life that if you leave biscuits in the open, they will disappear quickly. Those responsible are known, in the eyes of the law, as Biscuitfiends. (fig 1)

Biscuitfiend
Figure 1. This man is stealing your biscuits.

It is common knowledge that Biscuitfiends tend to find biscuits via radar. Searching the murky green screen for a cylindrical blip, or a tin-shaped anomaly.

It was this that led me to create the Stealth Biscuit Cover (SBC) out of an old DeLorean and a pen holder. Its use is shown below.

Unprotected Biscuits
A packet of unprotected biscuits. Just asking for it.

Protected Biscuits
The SBC prevents radar detection. The biscuits show up as a small blip which would normally be something like a mushroom or an especially large pea.

This forces the Biscuitfiend to hunt for your stash in person, where he can be easily subdued with a bat or rifle. If you do have to desert the packet, it's probably best to hide them like this:

Hidden Biscuits
Hidden Biscuits. The sign is for demonstration only. Dont actually point out your biscuits or the whole hiding process will be somewhat devalued.

I expect that my Nobel Prize for "The Development of Biscuit Preservation" will be in the post tomorrow. I'm too busy to collect it in person.


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